Okay, so I'm not actually going anywhere. But, my blog is. After almost two years, and 338 posts, my time here at Notations has drawn to a close. I want to start a new chapter in my life, and sometimes, having a blank slate to do so, is the best thing. I want to find my own voice, whatever it may be, so I'm starting a new chapter in my blog.
Come visit me here: http://findingmyownvoice7.blogspot.com/
Peace!
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Thats So What...?
For school, I have to write a paper about the phrase that's so gay. And that got me thinking about the whole thing. So, here's my own opinion of the whole subject.
I think it's stupid that people use the term that's so gay to describe things in a negative manner. Like, if you want to say something is stupid, you say something is stupid. You don't target a racial or group, because that's just offensive.
I have many friends who a gay or bi. They are the nicest people on the planet. When you say 'that's so gay', you may or may not realize what you are doing, or saying. When I hear that saying, I hear nails on the chalkboard. I think of the struggles of the gay community, how hard it is for someone to admit to themselves, and their families, that they are gay, and there may be some people who were once friends, became their enimies. They have to have a sense of honesty with themselves, in addition to the world around them, that they are different, and want different things than perhaps others day. I give them so much credit, and respect, because they have to go through that, and coming out to someone seems like the hardest thing for someone to do, because they worry that maybe people won't look at them the same way.
To all of the people who that's so gay, please stop it. It is rude, and hurtful. It's bullying, to put it simply, it's a word that should not be used, and should be extinct from our vocabulary. So, please think about what you're saying. And then, if you doubt it, shut your mouth.
Thank you.
I think it's stupid that people use the term that's so gay to describe things in a negative manner. Like, if you want to say something is stupid, you say something is stupid. You don't target a racial or group, because that's just offensive.
I have many friends who a gay or bi. They are the nicest people on the planet. When you say 'that's so gay', you may or may not realize what you are doing, or saying. When I hear that saying, I hear nails on the chalkboard. I think of the struggles of the gay community, how hard it is for someone to admit to themselves, and their families, that they are gay, and there may be some people who were once friends, became their enimies. They have to have a sense of honesty with themselves, in addition to the world around them, that they are different, and want different things than perhaps others day. I give them so much credit, and respect, because they have to go through that, and coming out to someone seems like the hardest thing for someone to do, because they worry that maybe people won't look at them the same way.
To all of the people who that's so gay, please stop it. It is rude, and hurtful. It's bullying, to put it simply, it's a word that should not be used, and should be extinct from our vocabulary. So, please think about what you're saying. And then, if you doubt it, shut your mouth.
Thank you.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Sonny Days
Sunshine can overshine the worst of sadness.
Memories of jokes and laughter sometimes can overshadow the pain.
I remember you happily telling me your days in the army.
I remember your eyes in pain.
I remember you singing 'buckbuckbuck, how many fingers up'.
I remember you screaming in pain.
I remember your jokes.
I remember you saying goodbye.
Sonny days overshadow overshadow rain.
When my life has become too much for me to handle.
I pray for your guidance,
And then I remember,
That with every storm,
There will be a sonny day to come.
Rest In Peace Grandpa
And yes, I realized that I said I was going to take a break, but I changed my mind. Nothing wrong with that, eh?
Memories of jokes and laughter sometimes can overshadow the pain.
I remember you happily telling me your days in the army.
I remember your eyes in pain.
I remember you singing 'buckbuckbuck, how many fingers up'.
I remember you screaming in pain.
I remember your jokes.
I remember you saying goodbye.
Sonny days overshadow overshadow rain.
When my life has become too much for me to handle.
I pray for your guidance,
And then I remember,
That with every storm,
There will be a sonny day to come.
Rest In Peace Grandpa
Monday, April 9, 2012
Some times.
Since my last blog entry, a lot has been happening in my life, and I've been feeling pretty low lately. Drama, pressure for college, driving, paying for college, relationships, being lonely, missing my grandfather, being a teenage girl, high school, and the drama that comes along with my father. Basically I'm overstressed, and underpaid (kidding).
I promise I will get better. In time, I will.
I also wanted to take a little time away from my daily blogging, until spring break. I need the time to breathe. I will be back, I promise. Just let this week go by.
I promise I will get better. In time, I will.
I also wanted to take a little time away from my daily blogging, until spring break. I need the time to breathe. I will be back, I promise. Just let this week go by.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
The Real Natalie.
Hi, my name is Natalie Anna-Maria. I am going to be eighteen years old in July, and I believe people have misconceptions about me, which I would like to change.
I am not a fake person, so if you heard that it isn't true. I'm not the type of person that would however be the one to tell you that I have a problem with you, because I'm afraid of starting drama, whether you might be my best friend or my family member. If I have a problem with you, chances are you are the last person I would talk to about, because I'll admit it, I'm scared of fixing problems, because I suck at thinking of the perfect thing to say. I don't know how to say I have a problem with you, let's fix it. I just avoid you for the rest of my life, because I don't want to do something stupid.
This may sound weird, but this is the only way to say this: It's really hard to be me. I grew up with out a Dad, and to this day, I never got to know him. I wonder what my life would be like if my dad was around. I wonder who my dad is, and sometimes, I'm angry with him, and sometimes, I want to get to know him. Both situations hurt me, because due to my worst flaw, I am unable to say what's really on my mind, with him. Maybe that's why I am the way that I am, in the first place. I also was VERY close to my grandfather. Like he basically was my only paternal figure that I had. When he died, I first was hysterical. For days. I still kind of feel horrible about it. I only not lost him, I watched him lose his mind, and on my sixteenth birthday he basically acted like something was taking over him. He was screaming, and swearing. He was at the nursing home, and we went to visit to bring him some cake. He was distraught because my grandmother had left early (after spending six to seven hours at a nursing home). I remember that he would get up, scream "Fuck you people!" and scream like something was killing him. To this day, I try to avoid speaking about it, because it hurts too much. But, now I want to talk about it, and to the science nerd who has somehow read every entry that I've written (so he's said) I would like to someday discuss these emotions with you.
My biggest fear is come June that I will lose two people that mean the world to me. I put you two through hell, don't think I don't know that, and for that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that at times, I tell you to go away, or that I hate you. You two are the people that I'm closest too, my little sissy, and my therapist. You are the only two people who I know I can trust, and cry to. When something bad happens, I can count on you two to make things better. I trust you two, and hope that in college, I can still remain very close with both of you.
I am Natalie Anna-Maria. I basically want people to know that I'm not crazy. I have a lot on my plate, and I want some control in my life.
I want to say "no", and people not make me say why I think the way that I do.
I wish that I had someone to love me, and told me that everyday.
I wish for someone to say that I'm special to them.
I wish someone would text me to just say hello.
I wish for world peace.
I wish that I could see my grandfather one more time.
I wish people didn't have to put me in a catergory.
I wish that I was stronger.
I wish that I could open up to more people.
I wish that I wasn't a bitch.
I wish that I didn't feel like I didn't matter.
I wish that people wouldn't bully others based on race, wieght, and family.
I wish for love. Not just for me. But for everyone.
I am not a fake person, so if you heard that it isn't true. I'm not the type of person that would however be the one to tell you that I have a problem with you, because I'm afraid of starting drama, whether you might be my best friend or my family member. If I have a problem with you, chances are you are the last person I would talk to about, because I'll admit it, I'm scared of fixing problems, because I suck at thinking of the perfect thing to say. I don't know how to say I have a problem with you, let's fix it. I just avoid you for the rest of my life, because I don't want to do something stupid.
This may sound weird, but this is the only way to say this: It's really hard to be me. I grew up with out a Dad, and to this day, I never got to know him. I wonder what my life would be like if my dad was around. I wonder who my dad is, and sometimes, I'm angry with him, and sometimes, I want to get to know him. Both situations hurt me, because due to my worst flaw, I am unable to say what's really on my mind, with him. Maybe that's why I am the way that I am, in the first place. I also was VERY close to my grandfather. Like he basically was my only paternal figure that I had. When he died, I first was hysterical. For days. I still kind of feel horrible about it. I only not lost him, I watched him lose his mind, and on my sixteenth birthday he basically acted like something was taking over him. He was screaming, and swearing. He was at the nursing home, and we went to visit to bring him some cake. He was distraught because my grandmother had left early (after spending six to seven hours at a nursing home). I remember that he would get up, scream "Fuck you people!" and scream like something was killing him. To this day, I try to avoid speaking about it, because it hurts too much. But, now I want to talk about it, and to the science nerd who has somehow read every entry that I've written (so he's said) I would like to someday discuss these emotions with you.
My biggest fear is come June that I will lose two people that mean the world to me. I put you two through hell, don't think I don't know that, and for that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that at times, I tell you to go away, or that I hate you. You two are the people that I'm closest too, my little sissy, and my therapist. You are the only two people who I know I can trust, and cry to. When something bad happens, I can count on you two to make things better. I trust you two, and hope that in college, I can still remain very close with both of you.
I am Natalie Anna-Maria. I basically want people to know that I'm not crazy. I have a lot on my plate, and I want some control in my life.
I want to say "no", and people not make me say why I think the way that I do.
I wish that I had someone to love me, and told me that everyday.
I wish for someone to say that I'm special to them.
I wish someone would text me to just say hello.
I wish for world peace.
I wish that I could see my grandfather one more time.
I wish people didn't have to put me in a catergory.
I wish that I was stronger.
I wish that I could open up to more people.
I wish that I wasn't a bitch.
I wish that I didn't feel like I didn't matter.
I wish that people wouldn't bully others based on race, wieght, and family.
I wish for love. Not just for me. But for everyone.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
We're All Different
Today, I decided to watch the news for the first time in who knows how long. And want to know the first thing that I see? A headline about a celebrity that people are complaining are too heavy or fat. My first thought was ' grandma don't change the channel, I want to watch it,' my second thought was 'what does it matter if someone was too fat or thin', it should matter what they think or what they say, or do. Judging by appearance is something that is really stupid in my opinion. Why would you put someone in a catergory? So you can judge them? So that the people who don't fit into them would feel like they don't matter and don't fit in with the rest of the world? And then you make them feel sad?
Why do we put people through this? When people go to take standardized tests, they have to check one box-either black, white, asian, or others? But we are selling people short, with doing so. To me, it's like saying it's either this or that.
Life is not a black or white catergory. There's a whole gray area in our lives that we chose to ignore, the people who don't fit the mold, the people that make the mold.
Whether you're not solely one culture, or you're the only one that you know whose a size ten instead of zero, that doesn't make you ugly or wierd. It makes you different. Sometimes, being different can be difficult. But, it's a good thing. Society doesn't understand that people are not just the Barbie dolls, blond and thin and busty. There are people who aren't thin.
There are people who aren't blonde.
There are people who don't have boobs.
But, that doesn't matter. They are still beautiful. As Lady GaGa would say you were born this way baby!
Why do we put people through this? When people go to take standardized tests, they have to check one box-either black, white, asian, or others? But we are selling people short, with doing so. To me, it's like saying it's either this or that.
Life is not a black or white catergory. There's a whole gray area in our lives that we chose to ignore, the people who don't fit the mold, the people that make the mold.
Whether you're not solely one culture, or you're the only one that you know whose a size ten instead of zero, that doesn't make you ugly or wierd. It makes you different. Sometimes, being different can be difficult. But, it's a good thing. Society doesn't understand that people are not just the Barbie dolls, blond and thin and busty. There are people who aren't thin.
There are people who aren't blonde.
There are people who don't have boobs.
But, that doesn't matter. They are still beautiful. As Lady GaGa would say you were born this way baby!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Future
Until now, I haven't given that much thought to my future, meaning that I always thought that I would be young forever and not grow old.
However senior year of high school came along and changed everything. I realized that I am almost a legal adult and really need to think about my future and life plans. What would I do? Who would I be? Famous? Smart?
After June, I will be attending college. I will be getting a degree of some sort in English, because I plan to be a writer. I hope that during that time I will write a book, which would be published, and then pay for all of the debt that I will be in college.
Maybe, I'll go to graduate school, I haven't decided that part. I always wanted to go to Yale for that.
After college, I plan to get a job of some sort. Probably teaching even though I am not patient or anything. I don't plan to be working in that profession for that long. I plan on writing while working, however, once I make a comfortable living with writing my books I plan to quit.
Family is also something that is key to my future. I want my children to have both parents in their lives, and a relationship with both of us. I want to get married, sometime in my mid twenties. I want to be in love when I'm young. However there is no set date when I would meet the guy, or anything, it's just my dream. I want to enjoy things when I'm young.
Also, I want to hopefully marry a doctor or a lawyer. Mainly because while my husband is at work, I can take care of my children, while maintaning the career of a writer. I hope between my husband and I, we have the opportunity to give our children security. I would like kids, if I can have them. Maybe adopt one. That would be cool.
If all goes well, basically, I plan to be an author with a family. Kinda like the Weasleys from Harry Potter. I always admired Mrs. Weasley...But plans, do change. However, I just want to be happy. Perhaps, the main goal of all of this is to be happy.
Wow, Grandpa. You were right.
However senior year of high school came along and changed everything. I realized that I am almost a legal adult and really need to think about my future and life plans. What would I do? Who would I be? Famous? Smart?
After June, I will be attending college. I will be getting a degree of some sort in English, because I plan to be a writer. I hope that during that time I will write a book, which would be published, and then pay for all of the debt that I will be in college.
Maybe, I'll go to graduate school, I haven't decided that part. I always wanted to go to Yale for that.
After college, I plan to get a job of some sort. Probably teaching even though I am not patient or anything. I don't plan to be working in that profession for that long. I plan on writing while working, however, once I make a comfortable living with writing my books I plan to quit.
Family is also something that is key to my future. I want my children to have both parents in their lives, and a relationship with both of us. I want to get married, sometime in my mid twenties. I want to be in love when I'm young. However there is no set date when I would meet the guy, or anything, it's just my dream. I want to enjoy things when I'm young.
Also, I want to hopefully marry a doctor or a lawyer. Mainly because while my husband is at work, I can take care of my children, while maintaning the career of a writer. I hope between my husband and I, we have the opportunity to give our children security. I would like kids, if I can have them. Maybe adopt one. That would be cool.
If all goes well, basically, I plan to be an author with a family. Kinda like the Weasleys from Harry Potter. I always admired Mrs. Weasley...But plans, do change. However, I just want to be happy. Perhaps, the main goal of all of this is to be happy.
Wow, Grandpa. You were right.
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