Stomach and Heart Aches.

I should charge my phone.
I should start studying for my AP pyschology test tomarrow. I know nothing about what's on the test, but I just don't want to. I want to cuddle with someone that will tell me that I'm not a complete basket case, and that they find me to be an interesting person.
A girl can dream right?
I wish that I can still converse with someone on a daily basis, see him at night. I wish that he didn't have to go, although I should have prepared myself for the loss. I wish that I had spent more time with him, because now that the time is gone, I wish and would give anything for it to come back.
I miss you Grandpa.

A Bunch of Sad Things in the Rain.

I'm sad.
No one is responding to my texts. Ohhh well.
It's raining out.
I thought I should let you know that. It's making me sad.
I miss the good old days when I didn't have to think about anything other than flowers, dolls, and cookies. Being a little kid was bad ass.
Now I feel like everything has become more complicated and emotional. Someone once told me that it's best to feel things, even though a life with out our emotions seems like the ideal way to go. But on rainy days like this, I wish that my emotions would let go, and sometimes although I know I'll be happy, it just seems too far away.
Maybe I'm just lonely, or unhappy with the way that my life has turned out. I guess no one has or can change this but myself. I try to reach out, but I guess that I annoy people away. Maybe I'm that silly. Maybe I need to stand on my own two damn feet. Maybe I need a therapist. Maybe I should start studying for pyschology. Maybe I should prepare for the college interview. Maybe I should stop waiting for a miracle. Maybe a miracle would be fedexed to my feet.

You Know.

My grandfather always used to tell me that if you want something done right, you best do it yourself. Okay, good point Grandpa. But here's the thing. If you are doing something with four people, and you are the only person that is doing EVERYTHING then you have a probelm right there. If you can gossip, then you could put something in your hand and do a little work just saying.
And you know what? My personal life is my personal life. It's not yours to talk about. It's not yours to pick up and make fun of. I make my own damn decisions, and if you have something to say about my life, then that's fine. It's not your business to go and talk about it, because I don't do the same to yours. So get your shit together, and leave me the hell out of this.
I really want some chocolate. Oh, wait I had some already. It was a chocolate snow man. They are so good, especially with the marshmellows. Yum.
And someone to talk to.
Maybe I should get a therapist.

Sundays.

I honestly had a long list of things that I wanted to write about. But, I couldn't pick just one. I mean, there is so many topics I could write about, so many serious things so many not so serious things. Like cookies. That's something worth writing about. Or. About that amazing cupcake that I had just had finished eating, I swear Julia's bakery has the best baked goods on the planet. Like if you haven't been there, you should go, because your mind would be blown. You would want to marry the cupcakes. I am that dedicated to my cupcakes. Try the birthday cake or the canoli ones. You will never be the same again.
I spose I am stalling. I know what's really on my mind. The subconscious says it all. I am going mad, and I don't like going mad, because, although Chris seems to think that I am crazy, I am actually pretty normal, underneath the whole loving food kind of thing. I wish that I could catch a break, because my life, for the past two months has been nothing but depression. I know that if I tried, I can get the hell out of this whole, and live.
And that's exactly what I'm going to do. I've stumbled, and fallen, but hey bitches I'm going to go even harder than before because I'm one tough bitch. I may have my bad days, but that's just the way life is. I'm one bad bitch, who doesn't take anything from no one. What I've gone through to be the person I am today has only made me stronger, the tears, and the whole I am a depressed person jag. I want to prove that I can do anything, because I can. After all, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

Mothers.

Mothers and daughters have  the wierdest relationships in my book.We fight, and then we become the best of friends. Wierd isn't it?
Mothers are the people who gave birth to us. You get one set of parents, and after that, that's it. Mothers are the ones that know what's best for us, and are not afraid to tell us. Mothers are the people that know when to say stop eating that, it's too unhealthy, or it will make you fat. Some mother and daughters are best friends, like Lorelai and Rory Gilmore. Others are worst enimies, like Emily and Lorelai Gilmore.
My relationship with my mother is one of the wierdest things that I can explain. We don't really talk about things, like relationships. I am close to my mother, but at the same time, I wish I wasn't afraid to be closer. I am afraid of her judging me for the things that I write, the way that I feel, and for even crying. I am afraid of in the future she will judge me based on all of those feelings, so the best thing to do is to not tell her anything and hope that she doesn't notice.
But at the same time, I look up to my mother. She is one strong bitch. She raised a kid and a dog on her own, with little help from her astranged husband. She relied on her parents, and when her Dad was diagnosed with dementia, she braved it week after week until the day he had died. She cries, and has her bad days just like everyone else, showing me that she is indeed human. I hope to one day grow up to be that strong independant woman that my mother has become, and even though there are days when I want to rip her own head off, I wish that in the deepest ways that I grow up to be just like her, and that I can truly do her justice by making her proud of me.

Thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Be sure to eat a lot of turkey, and remember...the Charlie Brown specical is on at eight o'clock tonight. :D
Anyways, now is the time for me to say what I'm thankful for.
I'm thankful for my friends, family, and God. I'm thankful for the people who told me I couldn't do anything, you just made me want do it even more. I'm thankful for the people who take time out of their day to read my silly little blog, to read some words that I type on my own free will. I'm thankful for the music that I listen to, because without you, I wouldn't be able to function properly. I'm thankful for the memories of my grandfather, because they will get me through missing him. I'm thankful for the friend that I walk with every morning, and spam with texts because I need someone to talk to. I'm thankful for Charlotte, and Sookie, because they are always there for me, even when I act like an idiot. When I'm sad, you guys will actually listen to me, and try to make me feel better. Thank you for the girl's days, the memories, and the music recomendations. I'm thankful for Christopher's brutal honesty, because sometimes you need a slap in the face...(heeehee). I'm thankful for my health. I'm thankful for Snoopy, cookies, Gilmore Girls, and cupcakes, because you guys help me feel better when I'm sad.
What are you thankful for?

Feelings..

I often wonder about love. Why does it make us crazy? Why is it such a drug, that when the drug is over, then there would be withdrawel? Why are we so scared to embrace love, one of the most simple things on the planet, with out the fear for being hurt.
I got to thinking.
If we live on the safe side, for love, or for anything else, we truly don't live. We truly don't know what to feel, or what to do. We live our life dry, like toast without butter, just because we are afraid of truly living. The worst that can happen to us is that they say no to us. Then you know, and then you move on? (I've been watching a lot of the Friend Zone, lately.) If you have something to say, get the balls and just say it, don't waddle in the shallow end of the pool for the fear of drowning.
I want to take risks...maybe go for that diving board. I dunno.
I think that if you like someone, even if they are your friend, you should tell them, because if you feel that way, then you should express it. Then you could either have a relationship, or an awkward situation, but if you truly are friends, then the awkwardness should overlook itself.
I guess love is something that is worth the risk.
I really oughta stop watching reality TV