The Real Natalie.

Hi, my name is Natalie Anna-Maria. I am going to be eighteen years old in July, and I believe people have misconceptions about me, which I would like to change.
I am not a fake person, so if you heard that it isn't true. I'm not the type of person that would however be the one to tell you that I have a problem with you, because I'm afraid of starting drama, whether you might be my best friend or my family member. If I have a problem with you, chances are you are the last person I would talk to about, because I'll admit it, I'm scared of fixing problems, because I suck at thinking of the perfect thing to say. I don't know how to say I have a problem with you, let's fix it. I just avoid you for the rest of my life, because I don't want to do something stupid.
This may sound weird, but this is the only way to say this: It's really hard to be me. I grew up with out a Dad, and to this day, I never got to know him. I wonder what my life would be like if my dad was around. I wonder who my dad is, and sometimes, I'm angry with him, and sometimes, I want to get to know him. Both situations hurt me, because due to my worst flaw, I am unable to say what's really on my mind, with him. Maybe that's why I am the way that I am, in the first place. I also was VERY close to my grandfather. Like he basically was my only paternal figure that I had. When he died, I first was hysterical. For days. I still kind of feel horrible about it. I only not lost him, I watched him lose his mind, and on my sixteenth birthday he basically acted like something was taking over him. He was screaming, and swearing. He was at the nursing home, and we went to visit to bring him some cake. He was distraught because my grandmother had left early (after spending six to seven hours at a nursing home). I remember that he would get up, scream "Fuck you people!" and scream like something was killing him. To this day, I try to avoid speaking about it, because it hurts too much. But, now I want to talk about it, and to the science nerd who has somehow read every entry that I've written (so he's said) I would like to someday discuss these emotions with you.
My biggest fear is come June that I will lose two people that mean the world to me. I put you two through hell, don't think I don't know that, and for that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that at times, I tell you to go away, or that I hate you. You two are the people that I'm closest too, my little sissy, and my therapist. You are the only two people who I know I can trust, and cry to. When something bad happens, I can count on you two to make things better. I trust you two, and hope that in college, I can still remain very close with both of you.
I am Natalie Anna-Maria. I basically want people to know that I'm not crazy. I have a lot on my plate, and I want some control in my life.
I want to say "no", and people not make me say why I think the way that I do.
I wish that I had someone to love me, and told me that everyday.
I wish for someone to say that I'm special to them.
I wish someone would text me to just say hello.
I wish for world peace.
I wish that I could see my grandfather one more time.
I wish people didn't have to put me in a catergory.
I wish that I was stronger.
I wish that I could open up to more people.
I wish that I wasn't a bitch.
I wish that I didn't feel like I didn't matter.
I wish that people wouldn't bully others based on race, wieght, and family.
I wish for love. Not just for me. But for everyone.