Saturday, April 30, 2011

A Funny Thing About Fate.

Has anyone ever heard of the saying, "it's in fate's hands"? If something doesn't work out, then we quickly jump to the conclusion is fate? Whatever happened to blaming themselves for whenever something went wrong? No, we have to blame it on fate.
I guess that there is a reason why things turn out the way they do. When a door closes, a window will open. All of that fine stuff that makes a cliche end of something that sounds like you say to someone whenever you don't want to hear someone complain about their lives, or to keep them from crying because you don't know what to do when crying. But maybe, the point of all of that crap is, maybe, just maybe that it perhaps would be true.
Sometimes, we punch ourselves when we make a mistake. But maybe, just maybe it was not a mistake. After all if it's meant to happen, it will happen. 
Fear is something that we also can not help, we are not human without any kind of fear. Sometimes, that kind of fear can paralyze us for happiness. It can keep us from opening up the right way, in fear of what made that fear in the first place. The best thing that you can do about it, is stare fear in the face, and make fun of it. Then you will be able to get over it, despite the fact that it may not be easy or fun to do.
Sometimes, I guess we have to get off our fat and lazy ass, and learn how to do things for ourselves. Maybe, if we spent time trying to forget the ones that hurt us, then we can focus on the ones that deserve us the most. The ones that treat us horribly, are the ones who have scarred us horribly. The heart, after love, is like leather, a thick skin that has suffered the ups and downs, scarred from the signs of a harsh battle fought.
I've had enough of my fears blinding me. The point of all this, if you haven't been bored to tears, is maybe it's time we start creating our own fate? And stop feeling sorry for our lazy asses because the odds are were not in our favor. It's time to do something about it.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Ups and Downs of Love.

Love is a rollercoaster, with it's ups and downs. When you are not getting together, you are breaking up. You feel hurt, then you dust yourself back off, and try to fall in love again. My question is why do we do this? Why do we fall only to crash?
So I turned to Charlotte. She says "I think love is taking a person for all their flaws and all their differences and all the things that could affect a relationship, and that stuff not mattering. and that when you're together, everything else is less stressful and you feel better and happier and just... right. I want love because i want someone who understands me and accepts me. no questions, no conditions, none of that. just a person who wants me the way i am."
Maybe, that's what we all want. Someone to make everything better. The colors brighter. The world happier. Maybe love is the closest thing that we have to magic, something that can never be explained, but no matter how hard we try, we can never be replicated. It's something that has it's own unique taste, like you're own kind of chocolate. The good relationsips are the sweetest things to ever taste. The bad ones are the most bitter things that you will ever put in your mouth.
Today we celebrate the love of William and Kate; may you have all of the happiness in the world, full of the sweetest chocolate that you can ever taste. It got me thinking to write this sappy blog entry, and yeah, there you go.
I hope all of us find the sweetest chocolate. But of course, something that we learn is that to know what is sweet, we have to know what is bitter. Charlotte is there for me. I hope someone for all of you out there, will have someone to be there for you.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Outgrowing Friends.

In life, we all have friends. (I hope, otherwise you would be considered anti-social, or you just can't get along with people) As we progress through life, we tend to meet more people, and make new friends. Sometimes we have friends that we keep for life, the ones are golden, and last forever, others are like a fake Luis Vuitton, they tend to break easily.
The ones that are fake Luis Vuitton are the ones that are cheap and tend to be the ones that are once in the while. They are trendy, and like all trends, they don't last forever. Like legwarmers. The knockoff friends are the ones that typical are self-absorbed and tend to only care about themselves. They also tend to get outgrown, just like that feeling you get when you wear something that everyone else is wearing at the time, and then you look back, and think what the hell where you thinking?
It's kind of the same thing with friends. As human beings, we grow. We grow in size..(well we're not always a pint-sized baby forever) and we grow in maturity. When we are youinger we want different things, a fun time, and tend to act immature. As we get older, we tend to act in a more smarter way than what we did when we were youinger. Like the clothes you wore when you were in fifth grade, you sometimes have to look back, and be like what the hell was I thinking.
Take my friend Jenni. Over the years that I have known her, her style and her ways of thinking have changed. (In a good way, I might add) She is/was very good friends with a girl, we shall call Angelina. (Well, because she acts like her.) As they progressed in life, Jenni has grown to become a more classier guidette, and Angelina, as one of my friends would say has become an unclassy scarecrow who doesn't care that she wears pjs and acts like a clingy dryer shirt.
Then we have the "little black dress" friends. The ones that go everything. They are the ones that you'll always fall back on in your time of need, the ones that will never go out of style. After all, the true friends are the ones that pick you up, grow with you, and when you need someone to talk about how you're life sucks, they will be there for you. They will ALWAYS be there for you, just like you have that T-Shirt in your closet that when in doubt you will always fall back on. Like Charlotte, Samantha, and Jenni.
All in all in life we progress foreward, not back. Unless of course, we discover the time machine. But the true people will stick to you like glue, and the ones that aren't will drop like dead flies.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Kindergarten Crush Syndrome.

Remember kindergarten? The time when girls were fighting over toys instead of boys. The time when the biggest scandal was who put their mouth on the water fountain. When boys were considered to have cooties, and dating was something that no one really cared to know about. When whoever had the coolest toys was the most popular. When boys liked girls they would start being mean to them  by pulling their hair and whatnot.
Ever have that experiance when a guy was being extra jerky to you? He was either throwing stuff down your shirt, or calling you an interesting name of some sort. He could either be a complete jerk, or have a case of Kindergarten Crush Sydrome.
A case of Kindergarten Crush Syndome is when a guy has a crush on someone and he doesn't know how to act, so he acts like a jerk, or completly insults you.
I've read a book about the differences of the male and the female brain, and this was one of the examples that have been mentioned during the book. Guys and girls commincate in different ways. Guys tend not to talk about their feelings, not as much as girls do. (I'm guessing not many males are reading this blog by the way) Guys tend to think about cold hard fact, while girls think between the lines.
I guess there is only one cure for this syndrome. Tell the girl how you feel. Either that, or learning how to have swag would also be helpful. But don't be a jerk. She won't like you if you are being rude to hear. Just saying.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Remembering The Past, So Then It Wouldn't Become the Future.

Today, in my history class we were talking about the holocaust and whether or not students should or should not view that during school, and it got me thinking. If we didn't learn about history, we would only be doomed to repeat it, now would we?
As I watched the video, I thought to myself, what kind of human being would do this? Millions of people dying just because someone thought that they were not good enough to live. Here's a thought, if you are that strongly opinonated about a race, keep it to yourself. Hurting innocent people just because you don't like them is not fair. Look at the Holocaust. Look at the many mormons forced to move away just because they believed in Joseph Smith, and his teaching.
Shouldn't everyone believe whatever floats their boat, without the society butting their heads in whatever they are believing in. And if you don't like it, please don't use guns, or harmful language.
Open minds are hard to find. But having one can help open the doors for tomarrow, making it easy for equal rights. It's not just religon that I think people need to be open minded. Anything that is different than the standard way of thinking or what is considered to be socially acceptable, is jumped upon and critized. Just because someone thinks differently, doesn't mean it's wrong to think like that. It just means that they are different and you've got to accept that.
It's not just religon. It's sexualaty, skin color, amoungst others.
Hey, this is the twenty first century. Let's do something to end this cycle of stupidity.

Monday, April 25, 2011

I Just Get A Kick Out Of You..And You.

In the world of dating, I can not help but wonder if it's all in your mind.  If you break up with someone, is it truely your heart that wants someone still? Or is it your mind, causing yourself to think of one person? Isn't it just as easy to flood your mind with new thoughts, songs, or people? After all, you can't hold onto one person, or dream forever. It isn't healthy.
Two years ago, I have gotton my heart shattered by a guy who I thought I loved. As I began to heal from that, I slowly began to realize that maybe I wasn't in love. Maybe I was infatuated. Maybe I was in love with the idea of being in love. Either way, I guess we will never know. As I began to heal, I also began to realize how stupid I was being, holding to one dream, one person, when there was a million other, better, people and dreams out there. I guess time heals all wounds.
I sit here, and I ask myself now that I've gotton smarter, and wiser, what is in loving a person. Is it the hormones that we have? What is love, and what is lust?
What makes that relationship that we all desire? I have yet to wonder.
Heart and the head I guess make no sense when they are colliding.  Sometimes, it's like a war, and we all are meant to fight it in some way shape or form. I guess Pat Benetar was right in saying love is a battlefield.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

The Art of Flirting: I Guess It's One, or Is It Not?

In the game of dating, we have one way of attracting the opposite sex, and leaving them hooked. And what is that? The art of flirting. It's the art of trying to get someone to fall for you, or to ask you out on a date, and then who knows what happens.
My question is why do we have to resort to flirting, something so similar to a mind game, something that involves playing the ohh so tedious game of love. After all, what happened to being yourself? Whatever happened to just being yourself? Whatever happened to being yourself and having him fall for the real you.
A friend of mine once said to flirt until he's yours. But that also means to act like you don't actually start being yourself until you are his.
Some of the best advice that I have ever gotton was in fact to be yourself. So why do we have to put up an illusion that you are something else.
Maybe flirting is a way to reel him in to you. Like it's the bait, and once he catches it, then you can be whoever you want to be. Like not answering him whenever you are texting, although you are dying to answer the text him, because you don't want to seem too needy or anything.
I've never been a batting your eye lashes kind of person. That girl who knows how to flirt with the all of the boys, and well does it right. I've always relied on pure instinct, and I am learned to follow my gut versuses following what others think I should do. Being a flirt, I guess is something I don't want to call myself. I just call myself a girl who is surfing the fierce waters of the sea of dating, and instead of drowning into the shore, I am floating.
I often wonder if the art of flirting is actually an art. Charlotte says I have lady balls, whatever they mean, or even are. I don't consider myself an artist in the art, I just consider myself to be afloat.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Family.

In life, we need people to survive, to commincate with, and of course, to have their shoulders to cry on whenever we are sad. The people who pick us up, however vary. They can be your best friend, your mother, your sister, or even all of the above. They are the ones you call at three in the morning when you have a bad dream, and they will listen to you freak out while getting ready to take a risk of some sort.
I have been blessed with many people like that. Of course, there is my best friend Charlotte, who I know will stick through everything with me, good and bad. If she needs boy advice, or someone to talk to about anything, she will be there for me. And when I called her crying about Mr. Big, she stopped what she was doing and just listened to me cry my eyes out...until the battery died. Charlotte is one of my best friends, and I love her dearly.
I have also been blessed with another great friend, named Samantha. (yes, i'm giving my friends Sex in the City names, just to protect their privacy and all that jazz) Even though we call each other "wifey", she is my best friend. I haven't known her long, but she is funny, and opinated, and hey, we need someone like that in our lives, you know to keep us straight. She makes me laugh when I'm sad, and when I need someone to talk to, (other than Charlotte) she's my therapist. After all, it's good to have someone to support you throughout everything. I will have her back, and she will have mine. It's as simple as that, you know.
I also have someone who has my back who we shall call Jenni. She is my guidette, and together we go crazy. We gossip everyday about our friends, and all we really want is to have a good time. She is a great friend, and I know she will have my back, through thick and thin, as I will be there for her. She has the best advice, from relationships, to fashion. I love you Jenni!
Of course, these are not all of my friends that I have to thank. Even though they are not mentioned (mostly because I couldn't think of nicknames for them) doesn't mean I love them any less. To all of my other best friends, I love you dearly, and thank you for always being there for me. Your support, whether in writing this blog, or in relationships, means a lot to me, and I love you all. I know you guys will always be there for me. I guess in the end, we all know who we can trust, and who we can't.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Foot In the Mouth Syndrome.

Okay, I'll admit it. I have a big mouth. I tend to not think about what I say, until after it comes out, and I look like a complete idiot. It usually happens with a guy that I truely like, and I'm trying to impress him, and then I look like an idiot because I said the wrong thing, or that I've said something that I've offended them or something like that.
I guess that happens to the best of us.  I call it foot in the mouth syndrome. When one has foot in the mouth syndrome, they are talking to their crush about something that they either know nothing about, or they are talking to someone and they offended them.
To the person that I currently have foot in the mouth syndrome with, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.  I don't know much intentional flirting. All I know is that I really like talking to you. You are a great guy, Chris. I guess that thanks to my big mouth that you will never know that. I want to be you're girlfriend, one day. I hope. But then again, I thought Big would be the guy that I would eventually be with, so then again, who exactly knows what the hell is going to happen?
Life is like a game of cards. You never know what you are dealt with next, because each hand is different. One hand could bring you to one person. Another hand could bring you to someone else. Every hand is played differently, with different cards, and different people. We all go in not knowing exactly what is going to happen to us next. All we know is that we are gambling, whether with our hearts or with our money, and that we never know what's going to happen next to us.
In the end, maybe not knowing what the hell we are doing is best. But, is there ever going to be a cure for foot in the mouth syndrome? Maybe, it's an apology. Maybe, it's showing them that you are not a klutz, stupid or crazy. At the moment, there is no known cure for it. But the doctors are working one, and will get back to us.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Love.

In life, there are some things that we just need in our lives.  One thing is love. There are so many different kinds of it, that no one can ever say that its the same thing.  There is the love that we get our parents and family members.  There is love between siblings. There is the love between a man, and a woman.  And there is the love between friends, not the ones that flake out after only a few weeks.  The friends that you can call at three in the morning, just to tell you about the dream that you had, or when you find out some things that you wish you didn't, they would rush to your side.  They are the ones that would hold my hair, while I'd throw up because I had been drinking too much.
Out of all of the friends that I have had, I've been blessed with someone, who we call Charlotte. She is like my little sister. I can text her for hours on end, and she was there for me, when Mr. Big broke my heart.  She would run to the ends of the earth for me, and I would do the same. I sometimes wonder how someone so nice, can be friends with someone who can be a complete bitch at times.
Charlotte, I love you. No matter what, we will always be friends. Hoes before bros, all of the cliche things that people say...I love you.\
There is also another kind of love, the one that we look for soo much in the wrong places. I don't know why we want it, its something that we will never know why. Or we all want someone to keep us company, like I want you to keep me company. Holding my hand, telling me that you will be there for me. I'm growing to have feelings for you, although I didn't want it to happen. Like I said, certain things I guess we would never know. But when I'm around you, or talking to you, I feel at ease. We shall call this guy Christopher.
Both kinds of  love we can live without. But the love with Charlotte would last forever. Christopher, on the other hand...who knows. With those kinds of things, I guess we will never will.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Can't Stop Smiling.

I guess after going through crap, I guess it makes you realize who you really want to be with. Who you really want to spend some time with. But, you'd never expect the person to be someone that you would never think or picture yourself being in a relationship with.
I guess sometimes, you have a person in your life that makes you smile, and that makes your day with their text messages. I guess there are some people that you never expect to fall for, because you've matched them with your friends, or that you've told yourself that for your standards, they will never pass for you. Your standards I guess never matched for what the person actually is.
I never thought I'd fall for Berger. I've considered him to be the friend that I tell my relationship issues to. I never considered to him to be more than that. He's too short, and still looks kinda boyish, but there is something there I guess that wasn't there for Mr. Big. Maybe I should give Big a new nickname.
I'm texting Berger right now, and to be honest, I can't stop smiling. Today he made my day, and I hope that there could be a tomarrow for him to make my day as well.
I guess there's only one thing to do: wait and see to find out.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

You Know There Is More Than The Top Forty.

How many of you can honestly say that at least one of their favorite artists is on the Billboard Top 40? Ke$ha, Katy Perry, those people. Although, all of those people are great, and have great songs, I often wonder if anyone listens to the unknown bands that you probably would never hear the radio play. Bands like Bright Eyes, or people like Andrew Bird.  They have amazing music, and of course are unheard of, because you rather listen to what other people think is good, or what is catchy.
Music is more than finding something good that you can dance too, you know.
Of course, catchy is good. Catchy is really good if you're in the mood for simple, happy, music. But there is more to life than simple, and happy emotions.  Like Bright Eye's song "When the President Talks to God".  It addresses topics like politcs, and how the president is ignorant to understand them.  "You should find some jobs, the ghetto's broke, another lazy George, I say we don't" sings Oberst, lead singer of the band. Music like that gets us thinking. Music that gets us thinking, is always a good thing, because we have brains. Might as well use them.
In addition to music that gets you thinking, there is always one topic that is always in any type of music: love. Some love songs on the radio, seem to feel autotuned, or made to be too cliche, although I enjoy Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream." Some of the more heartfelt love songs I've heard are "Our Flag is White" by This Providence, "You and I" by George Michael, and "The Gambler" by Fun. All songs that I have just mentioned have great references to the true emotions that a heart feels.
I also enjoy listening to the music that my parents listened to, or even still listen to. Elton John, Michael Jackson, and the Bee Gees are some of my favorites, in addition to the Pretty in Pink and Dirty Dancing soundtracks. Just cause they are no longer the in thing, doesn't mean that you still can't listen to them, you know? You can wear vintage clothes, so why not listen to vintage music?
My point is not to bash those artists out there who have made it, because they have talent. My point is to say that not all the music out there is on the Billboard Top 100.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

How Do We Move Foreward, When All We Do Is Talk About the Past?

Ever have that thing that happened to you, that you wish has never happened? Whether it may be an affair, a divorce, or even an marriage, there are things in our life that no matter what you do, you just can't undo, or erase. They are there in your life, and you just can't get past them, can not go back in the past, and change what you did. You have to live in the age of no regrets, because if you have them, then you will live in a world of ghosts haunting in your closet.
In the end, I guess that once you end something, you can't rewind it. You can not go back, and change something, to get back to where you once were. You hurt the people you love, then you damage a bridge, burning whatever relationship that you have, or had with them.
I often wonder why one would leave a sacred commitment, like marriage, or fatherhood. Was it the hormones? Was it the fact that maybe, just maybe, you were in love? Or was it the fact that you were thinking with your sexual instincts, not your head? Was it true that your marriage was really over? Did you love and respect her enough to at least wait until after the wedding ring came off, before having sexual relations with your mistress.
Divorce is a hard topic for everyone, including myself. Being the product of divorced parents, I can see the distruction of what can happen when a marriage ends. The kids get hurt, the people involved get hurt, pretty much everyone would get hurt or affected in some way or another.
Coming from that sort of background, I have a lot of trust issues of my own. I often look for the love that my father that I have never felt the love of my father, since he really has not been a part of my life. I looked for it, and found it once, and once it left me, I thought that I would never feel happy again. But then, of course, I got over it....nine months later.
I also have to hear the same stories over and over again.  Who said what, who did what, why who did what, etc. I have one question...how can you move on if you dwell on things that have happened decades ago? How can I move on, when all you kids talk about is each other? Aren't you sposed to be the parents while I'm the child. I am going to be seventeen years old, in less than three months, yet you guys dwell on things when I was three? I don't want to hear that anymore. It's too much for me to handle..and it's not just one of your faults. It's both of yours faults. You guys tug me back and forth like a yoyo, begging me to hear that you were the victim of what happened. Yes, you got cheated on, and yes, you got screwed in your divorce, but you know what? I was the damn victim too!
You two will never understand what it's like to not know your father. Or to hear your mother talk on and on about how she was sticked by her husband for a younger, blonder, thinner woman.
To both my parents, I ask you one thing. Stop talking, and let me live. Let me breathe, because otherwise I will run away. I can not take being pushed and pulled in all sorts of directions forced to believe one story over the other persons. Can't I love you both, no questions asked? Or must I pick one of your sides. There's always going to be three sides: his, hers, and of course the truth. I guess after fifeteen years of hearing various verisons of the same stories, that you don't want to hear them anymore. I'm tired of hearing it, and I want to be able to say I love both of my parents. But stop with the pulling and pushing..I'm done with hearing all of this stuff.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Remembering.

Today is the Day of Slience, (DOS). It's a national youth movement thingie that brings attention to the slience of those that are gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender. From 7:30, to 2:00, I'm not speaking, and making a commitment for those that have been slienced for being made fun of just for being who they are.
I am no stranger to this subject. In elementary school, I had a friend, that you can say was in the closet. He got made fun of a lot for playing with dolls rather than wanting to play football.  He was into things like music, instead of wanting to play a sport.  He was one of my best friends, and today, still remains to be one of my best friends.
I remember having the world's biggest crush on him, although I can not remeber whether or not we actually dated. 
I also can remember the day I found out that he was bi. Or gay.  I remember him saying how he had a crush on some dude. I was a freshman in high school, and he was making out with a guy in frount of me.  I kind of wasn't surprised that he was like that, but at the same time, I didn't think that he would come out in a same way.
He still dated girls after that, but then in my sophomore year, was just gay. He dated some guy, a senior then, a person in my musical theater class.
To the friend I'm talking about, I am doing this with you in mind.  I remember watching you get made fun of for acting one way, because I know that's who you are. You have been my best friend for over five years, and I love you, and will support you no matter what.  You were my first crush, and now you are like a brother to me. Altough we may fight, I'm doing this for you, broski.
Remember those who are different, and don't hate on those that are.  Just don't, broski.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Cat and Mouse.

Playing games is one of the stupidest things in my opinion.  Why play a game, when you can be real with someone about how you feel?  I don't get the point of it, because I think being honest with yourself and your feelings shows that you are ready for a mature relationship.
Mr. Big, I guess plays a wierd game.  He has a poker face, I guess as Lady GaGa would say.  And, I can't read it for the life of me.  I hate being in the not knowing.
I hate it when I thought I was done with all of his games, I start to miss Mr. Big.  I thought I was moving on to someone else that would care about me enough not to play any sort of game.  After all, its not fair for me to play a game. It's not fair that I have to be so unlucky in the game of love.  But why do I always find myself yoyoing back to you?
It's a confusing game, this cat and mouse thing. I don't get it.  I don't see why I have to act one way, when really I'm down for being someone else.  The game of love in itself is one that is the most confusing on the planet, the one that everyone tries to understand, but no one truely knows which card to play, or what move to make next.
Mr. Big, you've done a lot of wierd things.  You've acted one way, and then said another.  But after a couple of days of not talking to you, Big, I suddenly am growing to miss you.  It's strange, but I will have to get used to it, I guess.
Maybe we all don't know how to win in love.  So, maybe we should stop listening to those who think that they know how to win, and maybe figure it out for ourselves.
Maybe, just maybe.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Mr. Big, why?

Mr. Big, I ask you one thing.  Why?  You've put me through hell, stringing me along, acting like you like me, but really you said you didn't.  If I pull away, you act like a sick puppy.  It took me a while, eighth period to be exact, that I have real feelings for Mr. Big.  I actually am growing to miss his way of talking, his smile, his eyes, and of course, how he always made me feel like I meant something to at least one person in this planet.  Of course, Mr. Big likes some girl in his bio class.
Mr. Big, I think am growing to miss you.  Please answer your phone.  I kinda want to hear from you.  I don't know why I do, nor do I know why birds fly, and rivers flow, but I know I want to.  It's one of those things that just is, with no logical sense.  I want to hear you use your big words, watch you use your math formulas, or even sit with you while you read.
Mr. Big, I think that I am growing to love you.  Or fall in love with you.  Or just fall for you in general. I don't know anything about these things.
My Big versuses Carrie's Big?  Hers knew romance.  Mine wouldn't unless it was spelled out right in frount of him, written in some alien formula.
I miss you Mr. Big.  Do you miss me too?

Monday, April 11, 2011

I've Got A Feeling.

Have you ever felt that you were tired of playing to the rules of someone else's game?  Like, one day you wake up, and then you realize, I have better things to do with my time then to wait for someone that may or may not have feelings for me.  I am tired of waiting around, relying soley on the signals that he had given me, what was between the lines, not what was presented to the table.
After realizing this, I guess fate kinda played in.  Texting someone new, I have decided to make a change.  I have a feeling that I am doing the right thing.  I know that love is a game that no one gets the intructions to play.  No one knows the outcome of it either.  I guess we are tumbleweeds, floating in the wind, with no destination set in stone.
I guess that I have had my share of failed relationships.  We all have.  I've dated the creepers, and the one that broke my heart, that I am still hung up on...I think.  But there is someone that I have feelings for that I never thought I would have those type of feelings for.  I never thought I would like them.  We shall call him Berger...
Berger, was someone that I always considered to be a friend. But somehow things are beginning to change. I'm developing a crush on this kid...
And I have a feeling that maybe, just maybe, something good will come of it.
But time will only tell.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Mixed Up, Screwed Up Emotions. It leads to the Wierdest Things.

Ever feel that it's slipping away, with the person that you thought that you really loved? Someone that at one point, you thought that you really liked, but then one day, you wake up, and you don't think about them so much? You thought you felt something for the first time, but then one day, you wake up, and then all of a sudden you don't want to think about them, because they either are not returning what you want to hear, or just stringing you along for way too long.
I guess that if you love something, you truely oughta let it go. I guess that somethings are truely meant to be, and some aren't.
It's a sad truth, but it's better than living the happy lie.  It's time I wake up from dream land, into reality.  Maybe I'll find someone that will learn to love me.
I guess that sometimes things are like what Oberst said..."everythign is a cycle, you gotta let it come to you. and when it does,  you will know what to do..."
The question is...how do you know what is meant to be, and what is your hormones?

Friday, April 8, 2011

dear mr. big.

As I mentioned previously, I like this guy.  For privacy reasons, and the fact that I am obsessed with Sex and the City, I shall call him Mr. Big. 
Mr. Big is either the first, or one of the first people I actually feel/felt something for.  I enjoy having him around, and I enjoy having him around to tell him both and good things.  He is a science man, and knows everything. (even though he says that he doesn't, but I choose not to believe him)  He always has his eyes on me, like I'm the only girl in the room. He came to my game, even though he had science club that day.  He enjoys doing the lighting for stage crew.  He's too years younger than me, even though he sometimes acts like he could be my father.  He over worries about every test that comes up, and doesn't care about what others think.  When somebody is mean to a girl that no one likes, he sticks up for her.
And I think I'm in love with Mr. Big. I'm in love with the way he sticks up for the girl no one likes.  I love the way that he cares about science.  I love the way that his eyes dilate whenever he talks to me, and when he sits, his legs cross over to mine.  (I notice these things)  Your gray eyes, Big, are one of the few things I seek refuge in. 
I want to tell you this, Big.  I want to tell you I love you, and that you are basically the only one that I have eyes for.  I wish that you were mine.
He says he likes some girl in his bio class, but he acts like he likes me.  Big, why are you going to give me mixed signals?

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Love Games, Say What?

Love games.  Something where you have to change the way you act, so you can mess with the other person's head to make them realize that they like you, and then they would be your boyfiend.  Needless to say, I tend to avoid them, because it messes with your mind, and it's very stupid. I don't want to mess with people's minds, because then they wouldn't like you, the way that you want them to like you. They would only be a pawn in the game that you have made for yourself.
Why do we play games with someone in the first place?  If you like someone, then you should just tell them that you do, rather than playing some far fetched game that you think you need to play.  Tell them, and they'll know. That, and they would like you too. (well maybe, in some cases)
Whatever happened to having to just being yourself? Whatever happened to being honest with each other? After all, honesty is the best policy. Honesty with yourself, and with others is also helpful, because then you would avoid playing the game.
Games are just something that we all make up.  Mind games, love games, yadda yadda.  It's not fair to ourselves, and the ones invovled that your too scared to act on your feelings, so therefore you play a game.
So, let's stop playing games, and being honest with ourselves...sound good?

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

you sir, are a sketchball who only wants to get it in

Okay, so we dated at the end of freshman year?
But you tell your friends that we've only dated because you've felt so sorry for me, that you just had to lower your standards to me. And when we were dating you said not to tell people that we were, because you didn't want people to know so your friends won't make fun of me. Well, if my friends knew that I dated you, they would have a field day with it.
Newsflash, honey. I lowered my standards. So get your facts straight honey before you run your mouth.
Yes, I used you, because I was a confused, and b I wanted to get the guy that I actually liked jealous.
So therefore, you're the sketchball because all you did was text me and wanted a picture of my breasts. Newsflash, we were only dating an hour. Then within a day, you start talking about talking to me makes you have a boner. Sorry, I didn't want to hear it then, because deep down inside I knew you digusted me, and I really needed to get out of that relationship, because I never had that spark for you. We lasted maybe 48 hours. I felt like having a boyfriend should have been a happy occaision, but instead, I felt like I was wearing a dog collar, forced to feel a certain way, rather than coming to said feelings on my own. I realize that I never should have said that I would agree to go out with you, but hey, I still got the boy.
Flash foreward a few months later, when I was going through one of the most overdramactic breakups ever with yes the guy that I used you with. You come in, trying to be a boss, because you think I should have stayed with you. You were a pig, copying poems on the internet, and sending me Jesse Mccartney. Dude, if you want to serenade a girl, you don't send "beautiful soul". Look for something more original, herb. You would never leave me alone, and I felt bad not answering them, so I guess I might have lead you on.
It died down about a year ago, and you have a girlfriend now. I don't know whether or not you've changed. I hear you have insane parties, and are not doing well in school. Real classy. I hope that you realize that being creepy and mentioning that your penis gets excited whenever you talk to girls, is not the way to get it in, if thats what you want, or a relationship.
Stay classy, sir.
The moral of this story is if someone does give you a bad vibe, and doesn't want to tell the world that you are dating, chances are, they are a sketchball. Plus, I felt that needed to be out there in the internet world, because you know what, things like that can't be bottled in forever.
Oh, and if you're the sketchball that I was talking about? I hope you have a nice job, and I hope you don't get a disease.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Mixed up signals.

Okay, so you say you don't like me? But then you go, and look up my father on facebook. And then look up my father on facebook...And yeah. What does that mean?
I think that I've gotton myself a case of mixed up signals. I usually find people easy to read, kind of like picture books but I find you to be like that two thousand page novel about something baffling- always leaving me confused and in the dust. I enjoy the challenge of reading your book, but sometimes I can't figure out the mystery of it.
You came to my game.
When I said I need a hug, without me mentioning that I wanted it from you, you gave it to me.
A bunch of various other things.
Now this.
I don't get it.
Why are you acting like you like me, but say that you don't? If I only had the strength to tell you how I felt about you, as well. But then, I fear, you won't stay.
So I stay in this endless cycle of confusion, afraid to break it soley because I am afraid to lose you. I know it's kind of sad, but it's the way that my life is going.
Will I ever break the cycle?

Monday, April 4, 2011

if I..

If I walked, what you come after me?
If I decided to never see you again, would you want to change that?
If I decided to kiss you, would you kiss me back?
If I wanted to be your girlfriend, would you let me?
Most importantly, if I said I love you, would you love me too?
Theese are some thoughts that are going through my mind about some guy that I have emotions, aka feelings for. I often wonder if I'm wasting my time wondering whether or not I should wait or not, because all I would ever be is a friend to him.
Sigh, I just wish for answer.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Head over Heart? Heart Over Head? Whattt.

Sometimes we think with our heart. Sometimes we think with our head. And other times, we think with our hormones. (but thats a different story altogether) Sometimes, when we think with our head, our heart suffers, because the heart wants one thing, and your head wants another. Like in our heads, we know this is wrong for us, but our heart desires one thing or person. And sometimes, I wonder which one makes more sense, the one thing that our head wants, or the one that the heart wants.
The conflict of heart over head is something that always comes up in life, in some form or another. Our head wants the thing that makes more sense, telling you to move on, but your heart is too lazy, or is telling you not to move on from whatever that is the probelm.
Who do we listen to? The one that makes the most sense, or the one that my heart wants, which is one of the most craziest things on the planet. I don't get why I always have to chose between the common sense aspect of my brain, or the one that makes no sense whatsoever.
My heart tells me to wait for him.
My head tells me to not to waste my time, since I've already wasted so much already. For all I know, I can be dead tomarrow, and I would never have the chance to give the person my heart, something that I've been dying to do since day one. Something that I've been too scared to do since day one.
Maybe if I somehow shed that fear, than I will be able to be more like what my head wants.
Is there ever going to be some kind of middle of this agruement, some kind of common ground? Let's take a look at some of Hollywood's thinking with their hearts. Sex and the City's Big and Carrie. Titanic's Rose and Jack. They both ignored their heads telling them not to, and listened to thier hearts telling them to go to that one other person.
Now, my next question is, how does one listen to their heart?