Saturday, December 31, 2011

Love.

2011 was the year I began to love. Or begin to wonder about it anyways. There's one thing about love that I have always began to wonder about. Sex. I mean, I don't plan on having it or anything, I just wonder about it. Like I want to have it...but not now. Maybe when I'm married.
Sex. Why has this act, which is supposed to be saved for the one you love, or when you get married, has become so obsolete? Why does people have to sleep with people in high school, putting themselves, and others at risk to get pregnant or STDS? Like seriously, sex is supposed to be for the people that you love, not the people that you meet off of the street because you have a boner. Like seriously, sex should be saved for someone that means a lot to you. You don't have to be married to someone, maybe engaged, but that's not the point. The point is that society has made it obsolete. I wish times were more simple, like in the forties, when sex was something that was only for marriage. I mean getting it in shouldn't be done just because the person wants to. DO IT BECAUSE YOU FREAKING LOVE THE PERSON! I think that it should be...well that's my opinion on the whole matter anyways....
 Anyways, happy 2012. Be happy, and try to make that resolution come true, but remember, the only way that they can is if you actually get off your fat ass and do something for yourself, like go to the gym, or ask your girl of interest out. Like seriously. You can't expect things to magically happen.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Karma's a Bitch.

Yo people on the internets with no lives, hello. Yo people who enjoy reading my blog. Hello. Hi.
Karma is a bitch. If you do something to someone then you deserve that same thing to be done to you, because karma is a bitch, and you'll get what you give out.
But when the good people have bad things coming to them, it makes me wonder about this damn system. Like the good people living with dementia, they were good people. But the jerks, they live until they are 90. It's not fair how someone who screws lives up goes unpunished yet the ones who don't do anything get hit the hardest. Maybe this will even out in the next lifetime.
My father is someone who lied to make other's lives miserable, and makes me feel like crap about myself, yet he gets away with it. My grandfather, who did no wrong, died a slow and miserable death. I don't understand this at all, and sometimes I wonder if my dad would do anything right, and he would make things right. But then maybe, just maybe, I don't want him to do things right, because I'm not a permant thing in my dad's life. Nor does he care to make me. I'm just the girl that he can care less about.
Maybe I'm better off staying away.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

2011: Some Trends that I Would Carry into 2012

Okay, so I have many many topics to write about. Today, since there is the whole New Year thing, I figured that I would start here, and write the others on other days. So, people, prepare for a jam packed couple of days with a lot of amazing topics!
As very few of you know, I'm into the whole designing thing, and clothes thing, because yeah I'm kinda a girly girl. (one of the many things that me and Carrie Bradshaw have in common.) So here's a list of things that I started to wear this year, that I will contuie to wear into the oncoming year.
  • Purple nails. Purple is my favorite color, and I have so many bottles of purple nail polish. You bet that I will wear them into the oncoming year. 
  • Skinny jeans. I love them!
  • Yoga pants. So cute. So comfortable. Aww yeah. 
  • Converse. Classic stuff since forever. 
  • Leggings. Once I find another pair. Seriously, they are so comfortable, yet they look so classy!
See you guys tomarrow for some more serious topics!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

2011. In My Point of View.

2011 came in went. We had a hurricane in CT, snow in October, and snow that was taller than my five foot four. Or three. I thought I was five four, but I can't remember. What do you remember most about this year? For Charlotte, it would be seeing the last Harry Potter movie. For others, its relationships, graduating. For me, it's getting accepted into my top school, and not having to worry about applying anywhere else. Here's some things about 2011 that I will always rememeber:
I will remember all of the good times with ALL of my friends!
I will remember blasting Lady Gaga's Marry the Night 24/7. Actually, I will remember when I bought her CD and couldn't stop listening to it all day.
I will remember getting hooked on Sex and the City.
I will remember the bread bowls at Panera. Those things are really good, a little fattening, but good.
I will remember Kim Kardashian being married for 72 days.
I will remember my grandfather's last words.
But most of all, I will remember starting to become a writer.

Have a great 2012 everyone.
xoxo,
Natalie

Monday, December 26, 2011

The Things We Are Left to Think About.

Some things happen in our lives that we can either change, or not change. Some things are permant, like death or birth. Everything else is subject to change.
A relationship between a father and a daughter is something that always changes, because alongs as the father is still living it can be fixed, although not to complete perfection. Once broken, nothing can run like new again. There are going to be cracks in the relfection of the mirror. Although sometimes we hurt ourselves when we try to fix things, fingers bleeding, and all that, maybe if you don't get hurt over something, than maybe you can't heal from the pain of it. So then you get even stronger, like that Emmett person from Twilight, because he was very strong, and yeah...
The end.
And then there's our relationship with the ones that have deceased. That can never be changed, but they are with us forever. They are the ones are watching over us, in the good times, and in the bad, and never truly leave us.
Then the most relationships, the ones that get changed the most are the relationships of the living. We can change that relationship at any given time, no matter how high the stakes might cost us.
And that is what we are left to think about.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Happy Holidays.

Merry Christmas, people that actually spend the time to read my blog. Thank you for spending time out of your day to read my thoughts, even though you may think that I'm wierd, or a little crazy, but then the ones that are crazy, are the ones that make the most sense. Hope you all had a great holiday with your family, in addition to other loved ones, because well you all damn deserve.
I'd also like to take the time to say Merry Christmas Sonny. This is the first holiday in 17 years, I would not spend with you, but sadly not the last. I miss you Grandpa, more and more each and every day, in addition to Millie and your children, and my cousins. I hope you are having a great Christmas up there in heaven, pain free, and happy.
Merry Christmas to those who have decease before us. May they not suffer and may they truly rest in peace. 
Merry Christmas to everyone, and to all a good night.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas Eve

Hey so it's Christmas Eve. So Merry friggin' Christmas! (had to say it the Jersey way. Duh.)
Sometimes I wonder why the holidays are so stressful, and why people dread them so much, because after all things like the holidays should be happy. So be freaking happy, because life is too damn short to worry about the stupid things that we worry about. So stupid.
So eat a freaking Christmas cookie, (if you don't have any bake them, it's not that hard to do, because if I can do it without blowing up the stove or anything, then that's saying something.), throw some wrapping paper at your family members, while enjoying the Charlie Brown specials that should be on TV (you got to admit that Snoopy and Charlie Brown are bad ass).
So Merry Christmas everyone!

Andandand for all of you little monsters out there, Lady Gaga is releasing a new track at midnight!

Friday, December 23, 2011

I prefer

I prefer the sun to the rain.
I prefer Sex and the City to Seinfield.
I prefer laughing to crying.
I prefer love to hate.
I prefer learning about literature, and trying to write something that means sonmething versus trying to find the single answer in the math probelm.
I prefer loving you versus having to hate you.
I prefer falling in love versus falling into sorrow.
I prefer answers instead of questions.
I prefer romance versus meaningless sex.
I prefer being told I love you, versus being left guessing.
I prefer you being with me instead of her.
I prefer living for today and tomarrow instead of yesterday.
I prefer black to white.
I prefer the sun versus the moon because it gives you hope.
I prefer friends instead of lonliness.
And I prefer falling hard, versus falling hard on your ass.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

The Breaking Point.

Sometimes, things pile up on us, and we break. We love people who we find out don't love us back, and then we cry over them. We wait forever, for nothing. We wait to feel happy and when we do, it comes with a price. It comes with the price of wanting to gamble everything, and when you do, you lose, and you feel like a fool. I never thought that I can feel so unhappy again, but then again, here we are, crying over the person who broke your heart into a million pieces.
Life's not fair-you wait forever, for someone, and then when you think it's going to happen or something, then
it doesn't. You give your whole entire heart, for what? Just to be laughed at? Just to be made the fool.
Maybe I'll get over this. Maybe I'll become the old lady with a thousand freaking cats, and be all sad and lonely and live in a shoe.
I never thought I can cry over someone. But here I am, crying over someone.
I hate this.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Sister Code.

I have two best friends, both of them like sisters. One acts more like my mother, the other one is the little sister that I never had. Both of them are amazing friends, who are always there for me, so therefore I figured I would dedicate a blog to them.
The sister code is as follows:
  • Sisters always support each other, whether it's when you think that those new jeans make you look fat, or that boy that treats you really nice. They support your decisions, whether they are the hardest ones, or the ones that are easy, like whether or not that you want to have to make them. Whether or not, they agree with them, they are there. 
  • Sisters give the best fashion advice on the planet. And save you with leggings when you fall into a puddle of water. 
  • Sisters have the best music taste. 
  • Sisters let you vent about the things that make you angry, like incompetent guidance counselors, and people that are doing mean things to you.
  • Sisters help you do things that are hard for you, whether or not it's sending a rose to a person that you currently dig, or tell your father that he sucks. 
  • Sisters help you celebrate the good things, like getting into college, and perhaps getting asked out by a boy that you have liked forever. 
  • Sisters are your best friend. Sisters are always there for you, no matter what the hell you do.
Sisters are your best friends in the world. They are there for you whenever you need them. Best friends, always and forever.

Love you Charlotte, and Sookie!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Sad.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm not good enough. Sometimes, I feel like I need to lose a few pounds, or that I'm ugly and stupid. I hate that feeling, and it makes me upset. It makes me sad.
I wish that I didn't feel that way about myself. I wish that I can be happy, but emotions never lie, although sometimes I wish that they did. That way, maybe I wouldn't have to be sad or mad, I can be mad chill, and no one would ever notice. Maybe I won't either. I hate it that I feel like crap sometimes, and I don't know why. Maybe it's the petty probelms of life that make us really think about what is important. Like world hunger and things like that. Maybe it will put things into perceptive.
Sometimes, I just want someone to talk to. I want someone to stop trying to make things better for me, I just want a hug, a cookie, and love. All of those things that I will never get, nor do I feel like I deserve to get. I sometimes have a bad temper, and sometimes feel overwelmed, but really I just want someone to talk to, and make me feel better, because right now, I feel like complete crap.
I sad.

Monday, December 19, 2011

I Know Where I've Been...and Where I want to Go.

Today I went to a meeting of the writing club at my school. I realized that my writing sucks. But other than that, I got inspired by this activity that we were doing. So I decided to apply it here.
I know where I've been. I've been to Sonny and Millie's, with the sound of Millie busy in the kitchen, cooking chicken cutlets, singing loudly and badly to her Italian Music Station. She was wearing a purple floral apron, hands covered in flour, frying pan crinkling. Sonny is in the kitchen, doing his favorite thing-sampling. I've been to the beach, the small cottage, my solid uncle throwing me into the the salt water, wearing one pieces with my favorite cousins, who were more like siblings. I remember Grandpa, and his fake birds, tweeting, and my grandma yelling at him to stop going into the refrigerator to sample Sunday Dinner, because she was afraid that he would get fat.
Sonny and Millie never went anywhere apart. Wherever Grandpa was, there was Grandma, and vice versa. Now, as I get older, I realize how much they really loved each other. I remember traveling around with them, before school was in the picture, and summer vacation.
I remember the hospitals, the doctors, the nurses, and the nursing home, where Sonny had passed away. I remember the words "be happy" vividly, the sad eyes, and the forced smile. You would know that he was in pain, but you would never know it. He would never complain, nor say anything about the pain, he would just smile and talk about the dog.
I remember the days when I waited for a father to come around, and the day would never come. After almost fifteen years of waiting, I have accepted that he would never come, nor that I wanted him to. He has kept me waiting too long, and now I run.
Everyday I see my friends, the good ones who bring me cookies, listen to me while I cry, and hug me whenever I want a hug. The friends who pick you up when you are down, broken, and just want a friend. I see my best friend, with her curly hair that I am jealous of. We bonded over flowers. I see my other best girlfriend, with her witty phrases, and never failing ability to make me laugh, even when I hate the world. I see my best friend of the male species, who always listens to me when I am down, who sometimes I wonder if he is more mature than I am. He taught me many things, although I hate to admit it.
I see my grandmother fall deeper into the hole of depression. Losing your husband makes you go crazy. I see my once strong mother cry over the loss of her father, the pressures of work, and the other people that make her nuts.
In the future I see myself at college, making a living off of this thing called writing. I see myself a wife, with a faithful husband, and a bunch of little children, one name Sonny (Cosmo). I see myself being happy.

Oh, and to anyone whose Jewish out there, Happy Hannaka!!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Tis the Holiday Season.

Okay, so it's the week before Christmas. I managed to finish shopping for everyone, but I kind of forgot to buy wrapping paper. And I should learn how to wrap. Oh that would be helpful. If you happen to know how to wrap, could you tell me how? Thanks.
So.
Hi everyone.
I'm wondering why holidays always bring out stress. Like seriously. Just relax. I understand that people are under stress, but it's a holiday. Go. Do. Be happy. Stop yelling at people. Stop making drama. Stop annoying people.
I don't know why I have to go places where I would be miserable. I don't want to have to see people I don't like. So I'm putting my foot down and saying no to that, because the holidays aren't a time when you have to dread doing things. You're supposed to be happy right? Well damn it, let me be happy, and let me build a freaking snow man.
The holidays are for family, cookies, and memories. Not people jumping down your throat because of what happened four months ago.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

The Choices.

We make choices. Some are good, and some are bad. Some can never change, like getting pregnant. Some can, like the choice when you want to be in a relationship with someone. I guess that at the end of the day, we make decesions to stick to our choices, the way that some stick to their guns. I made the decesion to never speak to people that hurt me again.
I am realizing that I should probably take care of myself, because lately because my health has been sucky. Between acid reflex, and hitting myself in the head I think my body is trying to tell me something. What? Well I don't know...
How do I take care of myself? Maybe by hot baths, and candles or something.
I don't know, I'm a writer not a doctor.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Go Green! And yea.

I guess that I have no idea what the hell to write about, which is odd, because usually I have a lot to freaking say. Like the whole global warming thing? Its ridiculous. We should all try to figure out a way to use less things, like seriously bro. We need to think of a solution. Maybe we need to use reusable things, like those cloth shopping bags, or something. Maybe we should ban paper plates, and plastic water bottles. (Of course, if we recycle them, then we wouldn't have this probelm.)
Let's save the world guys! We only get one planet, so let's treat it right! Lets treat the animals right too, because without them, the world would be a sad place. Or less exciting. One or the other. Animals have feelings too, you know, not just people who are really cute.
I think I'm going to eat a cookie.
And sometimes, I wonder about things. I wonder what goes through my mind when I say some things, because sometimes, I really don't think. I don't mean to, I just sometimes don't think. I should do that more. I think about spending the holidays alone without my father and my grandfather. One makes me sad, and the other makes me relieved. And if you happen to be one of my best friends you will probably know what exactly is what. I wonder how long a heart takes to heal, and why sometimes, I'm upset over the little things, like getting a paper cut. Maybe I will heal.
Maybe.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

High School Drama-Save It For Your Llama.

High school. The movies it's proclaimed to have the aspect of Mean Girls, when the girls were as fake as a plastic Louis Vuitton that they sell on the street corners of New York City. I never thought that they could be applied in real life.
Then I met someone. She is as fake as those girls on Television. I never thought that they could exist, but then you never say never. But you use people. You decide that if someone is happy then you have to go destroy it because it's all about you. You pretend to be everyone's best friend, but really you talk shit about them and try to make the world all about you. You are two faced, and you think that the whole damn world is about you. But it's not. The world doesn't revolve around anyone. You are nothing but a whore, and use people.
So do me a favor.
Stay classy.
Stop trying to be my best friend.
Stop trying to make the whole world about you.
And then maybe just maybe that you'll have friends.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Dreams.

Dreams are something that we all have. I don't have them on a daily basis, but they are there. Sometimes, dreams can turn into nightmares. Dreams can make us look at the world in different ways, make us scared or more open to certain aspects of life.
The dream that I had last night was about a red headed monster, who came and ate everyone. My friends, the news ones, and the older ones. Just as he was coming for me, I woke up. For the first half of the day, I hated the color red. (sorry to my friend with the red shirt, I didn't mean to make it offended. It's a nice shirt, by the way, I have one just like it.) The red headed monster is someone that I have once loved, and there is someone that had once given me hell.
Hell however, is something that we create. We create our own personal monsters, it's what we are scared of, and what we believe to be something that is worth screaming about.
A dream, a happy one, involves something that I truly desire more than anything. It's not an object, but something that my heart will always want selfishly. A dream can come true, but sometimes we wonder if that's what we truly want.
I dream of one thing, but whenever it's about to come true, I wanted to run. I wanted to run away from the fear of getting what I wanted. Like Runaway Bride. Getting what I wanted is something I want, but something that I have been afraid to admit. Maybe fear is something that we have to chase away like birds, because once you run with it, it will be gone. I need no fear, and there's nothing to be afraid of. I don't want to be afraid of anything, because it's not that scary.  Maybe it's the monster in my dream whose haunting my dreams that's the reason why I'm scared.
Silly monster. Tricks are for kids.

Monday, December 12, 2011

I'm Dreaming Of A White...Christmas

It's the holiday season guys, in case you didn't know! So Merry Christmas, Happy Hannaka, and Happy Season of Celebrating. What does the holidays all mean anyways? According to my old friend, it's all about giving him presents. Sorry bro, that's not the case. I don't know what y'all think of as the holiday season, but it involves more than just getting. It's about giving. It's about family. Sometimes, we need this time to think about what we are most grateful for, to kiss someone under the mistletoe (boys, this means you, get your act together, and get the girl...), remember those who have gone before us in holidays past, and the time to eat amazing cookies by Grandma. (hey, you gotta admit those things are freaking good). No matter what you celebrate, it all means the same. Christian, Jews, and others.
Sometimes, we need to give back. Sometimes, we need to say that we are thankful for the memories, the little sisters, the owner of stuffed horses, the people that are brutally honest, parents, cookies, the people who have left this earth before us, the people who we enjoy to bother, and actually are really good listeners, the music that inspires me, and of course the things that makes us stronger in the end. Sometimes, holidays are the things that we will remember when we are old and gray, and the elders who are already gone. The memories with Sonny on the holidays may hurt me now to think about, but someone told me one day it won't hurt. I'm holding them to that promise.
So. Go. Do. Celebrate.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

What Did I Do?

Okay, so my relationship with my father isn't exactly the best thing on the planet. He's wrong and maybe you either are too ignorant to see it, or you're just such a bitch that you don't really give a shit about anything other than yourself. I'm sorry that you have to be so damn selfish.
Okay, so I'm a little mad.
But in my defense, all I did was get hurt. Why should I have to subject myself to being tortured just because you're upset, and shit like that. Oh, wait just because YOU think that YOU are more important than what is really going on, doesn't mean that what's going on between your son, and your granddaughter isn't as important as yourself. So get a grip and move on with your life, and stop treating people like they owe you something, because nobody owes you shit, lady.
Oh, and there's 13 more shopping days until Christmas.
And 14 to Chirstmas.
Let the countdown begin.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Foo Fighters, and Little Sisters.

Lately, I've been listening to the amazing, and talented band called the Foo Fighters. I love their sound, and the fact that they don't get autotuned. Like seriously. That, and whoever the drummer is, he's really good. Go on Pandora radio right now and embrace their awesomeness, because they are a truly gifted band. The songs "Pretender", "Bridge Burning" and "All My Life" are my favorites. Now, go. Do. Listen. You won't be sorry. Trust me bro. And, yes, I'm listening to them right now. Why aren't you.
Best friends come in all shapes and forms. But then there are the ones who give you encoragement when you be sad, in pain, or in aviodance of someone. They hold your hand, and help you see, that things are truly going to be okay.
Love you little sissy!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Decesions.

We often make choices in our lives. Some are good, and some are bad. Some are small and meaningless, while some can affect life as we know it. Some choices are easy to make, whereas others, ehhh, not so easy.
I often wonder about things. Why do we get served with crappy things when we should deserve the best? It only makes sense right? I wonder when things would fall into place. When things would be better, when I would feel no pain of the decesions that I have made. Every decesion is something that has it's own consquence, whether it makes me happy or sad. Some decesions, like deciding to never speak to someone that has given you life, someone that although their DNA is a part of you, you know nothing about
He leaves you and expects you to be okay with the things and then you feel like you are the one that has caused damage, when really it isn't. Because of him, I feel alone. I feel like people don't care about me, and that someone would leave me. I feel like people would leave and abandon me, and sometimes, because of this, I feel unloved. I don't know why I feel that way, I just do. I wish I never touched sadness, because it's a hard thing to touch. I don't like the harsh feel of it, I want the pillow like thing of happiness. I feel it sometimes, and I enjoy it. With distractions, my little sister, and my other best friends, they make me happy. They make me feel like I mean something. I feel happy.
I wish I could never feel pain so I wouldn't have to make the decesion, the hardest one, of not feeling it. I wish unhappiness, mixed with grief, never existed. But it does, in the some senses. Sometimes, we wish that it would never exist, because then we wouldn't have to feel sadness. But then, it's the pain that makes you strong. Grief, and crying, and all of the sadness that I feel, I'll get over it. I just want someone to catch me when I stumble, and want to cry.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Love.

Love is something that I often am curious about. But it's something that I want desperatly. Someone to embrace me, someone to love me for being myself. I don't know, I guess I've been watching too much Twilight, and it's starting to get in my head. I guess I want someone to love me, or to excite me, because let's just face it, sometimes day to day life can be boring. But that's when we need to take a break from all of that, and share the things that matter. Of course, some of the things in day to day life truly matter, but sometimes, we need a break from the day to day life, and we have someone that will always be there to celebrate with us, and someone who will always be there for you no matter what. You want that, and sometimes, you often doubt your own self, and that person would be there for you.
Love is the relationship between you and your best friend. Then there's that love that Bella and Edward have, that love that Carrie and Big have, and the love that Rose and Jack have. That love is something that lasts forever from the first moment you meet someone. Our loves up until that point, they don't matter. Sometimes, you just meet someone and you click, because they are right for you, or some kind of lame thing like that. I often wonder about that.
Love. The craziest four letter word in the English dictionary.
I want to experience it.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Rainy Days.

Rainy days make me sad.
I don't know why, they just do. Something about the coldness and the wetness. It makes me feel lonely.
That and the fact, that NOT having a person to cuddle with isn't exactly a fun time. I want to be loved too you know? I wish more people told me that they loved/liked me. Sometimes I feel like I'm annoying everyone, even though I probably am. If I am, I'm sorry if I am annoying you, I just like talking to people. Or I have something I need to tell you. One or the other. Or like today I'm sad because I feel like my own father doesn't give a shit about me. We haven't talked since August, and it makes me really sad.
Wahhh I want someone to talk to.
Wahhh, I want something to do.
Sarah Brightman, you are not helping.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Faith.

Sometimes, we need faith. In ourselves, in others, and even in the big man upstairs. That way, we have something to put our hearts to. We have someone to catch us when we fall.
Today I got accepted into my number one college. Thank you to my italian teacher, my cousin, a family friend, and of course GRANDPA who is watching and hopefully smiling in heaven. And thanks to all of the people that I've driven nuts over the past three days. I'm grateful for you and for your support!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

To Be In Love.

What does is mean to be in love? Does it mean to know nothing, and to fall in blindly? Do we understand what it's like to be in love? Do we even notice it, or does the rest of the world find out before we do?
To me, falling in love is more scarier then...well then falling off a cliff. Cliffs are a lot less scarier because if you're lucky, there will be water, and you can swim in water. If you fall in love, then there's a risk of no one catching you, and then you become sad and broken.
I'm afriad of love, for the reason of being broken. I don't want to be broken.
To be in love, I guess is to put all of your silly little cares aside and to want to open yourself up to someone. And I guess at the end of the day, being in love is caring about someone. Sometimes you care about them more than they will ever care about you. Sometimes, you become upset that they have left you. Hence the Twilight Saga, Bella Swan, please. Jacob was so much better for you. Love is something that changes, but never ceases. You can love multiple people, but still never fallen in love.
But what does it mean to fall in love? Do we have to only fall in love once in our lives, then we will be good? Can we fall in love again? What is all this mumbo jumbo? I don't get it.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Lady GaGa

So yesterday I saw Lady Gaga's new music video. And I must say, it was amazing. Marry the night is one of the best music videos that I have ever seen. My mind has been blown by watching and experiencing this video, which is one of the best I've ever seen. In addition to that, Marry the Night has become one of my favorite songs, from the moment I heard it in May. It has a great message, which I love.
Lady GaGa is one of the most inspiring women in all of show business, and with this music video, my mind has been blown. She thinks outside what the record company wants her to be, and is one hundred percent herself. She doesn't care what others percieve her. She writes her own music, and isn't autotuned. She's one artist that will truly last. I'm proud to be a Lady GaGa fan, and not afraid to admit it.
Lady GaGa, keep up with the music, and impressing us with the amazing music!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Boredom.

I really miss having cable. Stupid comcast. All I could watch is the news. I don't like the news. They depress me.
Anyways, hi. This is a blog. In case you haven't noticed, and were looking for cookies or something. So, hi. Normally, I have lots of opinions, and stuff to share with you all. But today, I don't. So, I'm going to sing a song. lalalalaala
Okay, serious time.
I've been thinking about two regrets that I have. Ditching a good friend, whose ALWAYS been there for me, and of course, not taking the time to see my grandfather more. Both suck. Both are full of regret. Both I can't undo.
I'm sorry grandpa. I still love you. I just wish that I could talk to you.

Andandand: If you have my number, PLEASE text me. I'm bored. Save me from being bored. For the next three days.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Stomach and Heart Aches.

I should charge my phone.
I should start studying for my AP pyschology test tomarrow. I know nothing about what's on the test, but I just don't want to. I want to cuddle with someone that will tell me that I'm not a complete basket case, and that they find me to be an interesting person.
A girl can dream right?
I wish that I can still converse with someone on a daily basis, see him at night. I wish that he didn't have to go, although I should have prepared myself for the loss. I wish that I had spent more time with him, because now that the time is gone, I wish and would give anything for it to come back.
I miss you Grandpa.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

A Bunch of Sad Things in the Rain.

I'm sad.
No one is responding to my texts. Ohhh well.
It's raining out.
I thought I should let you know that. It's making me sad.
I miss the good old days when I didn't have to think about anything other than flowers, dolls, and cookies. Being a little kid was bad ass.
Now I feel like everything has become more complicated and emotional. Someone once told me that it's best to feel things, even though a life with out our emotions seems like the ideal way to go. But on rainy days like this, I wish that my emotions would let go, and sometimes although I know I'll be happy, it just seems too far away.
Maybe I'm just lonely, or unhappy with the way that my life has turned out. I guess no one has or can change this but myself. I try to reach out, but I guess that I annoy people away. Maybe I'm that silly. Maybe I need to stand on my own two damn feet. Maybe I need a therapist. Maybe I should start studying for pyschology. Maybe I should prepare for the college interview. Maybe I should stop waiting for a miracle. Maybe a miracle would be fedexed to my feet.

Monday, November 28, 2011

You Know.

My grandfather always used to tell me that if you want something done right, you best do it yourself. Okay, good point Grandpa. But here's the thing. If you are doing something with four people, and you are the only person that is doing EVERYTHING then you have a probelm right there. If you can gossip, then you could put something in your hand and do a little work just saying.
And you know what? My personal life is my personal life. It's not yours to talk about. It's not yours to pick up and make fun of. I make my own damn decisions, and if you have something to say about my life, then that's fine. It's not your business to go and talk about it, because I don't do the same to yours. So get your shit together, and leave me the hell out of this.
I really want some chocolate. Oh, wait I had some already. It was a chocolate snow man. They are so good, especially with the marshmellows. Yum.
And someone to talk to.
Maybe I should get a therapist.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Sundays.

I honestly had a long list of things that I wanted to write about. But, I couldn't pick just one. I mean, there is so many topics I could write about, so many serious things so many not so serious things. Like cookies. That's something worth writing about. Or. About that amazing cupcake that I had just had finished eating, I swear Julia's bakery has the best baked goods on the planet. Like if you haven't been there, you should go, because your mind would be blown. You would want to marry the cupcakes. I am that dedicated to my cupcakes. Try the birthday cake or the canoli ones. You will never be the same again.
I spose I am stalling. I know what's really on my mind. The subconscious says it all. I am going mad, and I don't like going mad, because, although Chris seems to think that I am crazy, I am actually pretty normal, underneath the whole loving food kind of thing. I wish that I could catch a break, because my life, for the past two months has been nothing but depression. I know that if I tried, I can get the hell out of this whole, and live.
And that's exactly what I'm going to do. I've stumbled, and fallen, but hey bitches I'm going to go even harder than before because I'm one tough bitch. I may have my bad days, but that's just the way life is. I'm one bad bitch, who doesn't take anything from no one. What I've gone through to be the person I am today has only made me stronger, the tears, and the whole I am a depressed person jag. I want to prove that I can do anything, because I can. After all, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Mothers.

Mothers and daughters have  the wierdest relationships in my book.We fight, and then we become the best of friends. Wierd isn't it?
Mothers are the people who gave birth to us. You get one set of parents, and after that, that's it. Mothers are the ones that know what's best for us, and are not afraid to tell us. Mothers are the people that know when to say stop eating that, it's too unhealthy, or it will make you fat. Some mother and daughters are best friends, like Lorelai and Rory Gilmore. Others are worst enimies, like Emily and Lorelai Gilmore.
My relationship with my mother is one of the wierdest things that I can explain. We don't really talk about things, like relationships. I am close to my mother, but at the same time, I wish I wasn't afraid to be closer. I am afraid of her judging me for the things that I write, the way that I feel, and for even crying. I am afraid of in the future she will judge me based on all of those feelings, so the best thing to do is to not tell her anything and hope that she doesn't notice.
But at the same time, I look up to my mother. She is one strong bitch. She raised a kid and a dog on her own, with little help from her astranged husband. She relied on her parents, and when her Dad was diagnosed with dementia, she braved it week after week until the day he had died. She cries, and has her bad days just like everyone else, showing me that she is indeed human. I hope to one day grow up to be that strong independant woman that my mother has become, and even though there are days when I want to rip her own head off, I wish that in the deepest ways that I grow up to be just like her, and that I can truly do her justice by making her proud of me.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Be sure to eat a lot of turkey, and remember...the Charlie Brown specical is on at eight o'clock tonight. :D
Anyways, now is the time for me to say what I'm thankful for.
I'm thankful for my friends, family, and God. I'm thankful for the people who told me I couldn't do anything, you just made me want do it even more. I'm thankful for the people who take time out of their day to read my silly little blog, to read some words that I type on my own free will. I'm thankful for the music that I listen to, because without you, I wouldn't be able to function properly. I'm thankful for the memories of my grandfather, because they will get me through missing him. I'm thankful for the friend that I walk with every morning, and spam with texts because I need someone to talk to. I'm thankful for Charlotte, and Sookie, because they are always there for me, even when I act like an idiot. When I'm sad, you guys will actually listen to me, and try to make me feel better. Thank you for the girl's days, the memories, and the music recomendations. I'm thankful for Christopher's brutal honesty, because sometimes you need a slap in the face...(heeehee). I'm thankful for my health. I'm thankful for Snoopy, cookies, Gilmore Girls, and cupcakes, because you guys help me feel better when I'm sad.
What are you thankful for?

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Feelings..

I often wonder about love. Why does it make us crazy? Why is it such a drug, that when the drug is over, then there would be withdrawel? Why are we so scared to embrace love, one of the most simple things on the planet, with out the fear for being hurt.
I got to thinking.
If we live on the safe side, for love, or for anything else, we truly don't live. We truly don't know what to feel, or what to do. We live our life dry, like toast without butter, just because we are afraid of truly living. The worst that can happen to us is that they say no to us. Then you know, and then you move on? (I've been watching a lot of the Friend Zone, lately.) If you have something to say, get the balls and just say it, don't waddle in the shallow end of the pool for the fear of drowning.
I want to take risks...maybe go for that diving board. I dunno.
I think that if you like someone, even if they are your friend, you should tell them, because if you feel that way, then you should express it. Then you could either have a relationship, or an awkward situation, but if you truly are friends, then the awkwardness should overlook itself.
I guess love is something that is worth the risk.
I really oughta stop watching reality TV

Monday, November 21, 2011

To Not Feel.

I was once told that you can overcome things to become stronger. Someone told me that while I was freaking out. I was told that when there was a will, there was a way. I wish that there was no emotion other than happiness, because sadness can always overcome it, and get rid of it. I wish that I had more people to actually listen to what I have to say. I wish for sunny days, versus this stupid clouds of gray.
I can't take being unhappy anymore. I want to feel like I mean something, that I can get out of this stupid hole of migranes, heartburn, and crying over things. I feel like crap simply, and no one gives a shit.
I want to be happy. Where is this happy? Hi happy, where are you? Have you missed me? Because I miss you. I want someone to tell me I mean something to them, to make me feel a tad bit better, to support me, to make everything okay, to assure me that everything will be okay. I don't want to worry about things like AP pyschology, or getting into the college of my dreams. I don't want to have to worry about the food that goes into my mouth, whether or not it's going to make me sick. I just want to sit on my couch, watch Gilmore Girls, eat white chocolate, and have a giant stuffed Snoopy to snuggle with. Pathetic, yes? But hey, a girl has to relax somehow.
I really need a hug.
And a miracle.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Heart Speaks, Heart Wins.

Okay so happy Friday everyone!
I don't know what to write about. All I know is that I felt like writing, and I have heartburn, which I've been getting a lot of lately. It's not a fun time.
Is it bad to think a guy with a girlfriend is cute? Hmmm...
Okay, I'm done. I'm not Hester Prynne either. Ohh well, I still don't think he's that cute. I like someone else much better.
ANYWAYS ENOUGH ABOUT THAT!
Oh wait, I'm writing based on my thoughts. Stupid thoughts.
Anyways, I really feel like talking. To someone that I trust. So, there are people that have my number out there, you should use it. (that was a horrible sentence, but who cares.) I like to be heard, not ignored.
There's one thing that I wish more than anything. I wish that I didn't waste the time that I had. I don't know what was in my mind, all I know that I was stupid. He had never treated me kindly, and someone else did, and that wasn't fair to that person who I ditched. I don't feel bad because of the way I got treated, I feel bad because I was wrong. I wish that I could take it back, and not be taken like a fool. I hope that even when I'm gone, and at whatever college I plan to be at, that we will still be what we are today, because I will miss talking to you on a day to day basis, and hopefully we can do our best to maintain it.
I don't know what I was talking about...I think the person who will read this will know I'm talking about them. So hi person. Thank you for everything!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

To Support

I often wonder about my feelings. Are they something that is legit?
Are they real? Are they just illusions of my mind? In addition to that,
I wonder if my needs are weird. I need someone to talk to, when I'm lonely
at night. I wonder if that's a bad thing.
I wonder most of all about the meaning of love. Or the emotion. I
wonder if the love that a mother and daughter share is something that
means the most, or something that doesn't mean anything at all.
Sometimes, we say something that we don't actually mean, and then we
cause mayhem. We don't fully appericate people, I guess that's only
human. But at the end of the day, we do love each other, sometimes we
just need to learn how to say it exactly. Sometimes, we're afraid that
the ones who love us the most are the ones that will judge us the most
harshly, and therefore leave them out of the loop.
I often wonder about the relationships between friends. You have good
friends, and then you have the ones that you have the strangest ones
with. Good friends, like Charlotte, are always there for you, through
the storms, the sunny weather, and even when you want to scream into a
pillow. I often wonder if I'm even a decent friend, because I seem to
be the lonilest person at night, and I don't mean not to annoy
someone, I just want to have someone to talk to. Then, there are the
friends who call you a dumbass, and a whore. They are not the friends
that you should have, because friends are people that support you the
most, in addition to parents, and if someone who you think is your
friend insults you, and or is rude to you, then you don't need them in
your life. Especially the ones who call you a dumbass, those aren't
needed, nope.
Maybe at the end of the day, we could use the support and the support
from love. Maybe if you love someone, then you can tell them, instead
of keeping them guessing. Or keep them hanging on, *cues Kim
Wilde*..hey a friend introduce me to her. Hi friend that introduced me
to her. I think that he's reading so I figured that I would say hello.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Life's Too Short.

Yesterday I realized something.
I watched a person go into the ground, because they had died, and decided to be buried. Anyways, it got me thinking.
It got me thinking about how we worry about so much, about how many hours there are in a day, how much we can get done, and how much stress we put ourselves under each and everyday. And then, we just end up ih the ground.
Life is too short. Let's screw rules. Let's screw everything that involves us to worry about things that we normally would worry about. Let's take risks, and not give a shit about whether or not they hurt. We could die at any moment, and yet, we sit here worrying about things like money.
I think that at the end of the day we should concentrate on one thing. To be happy. Being happy is something that we will get the most out of in life, either the big things or the little things. I think that's what my grandfather meant. After all, we only have one shot to live, and if we screw it up, we screw it up. I want to get out there, learn to take risks, and if I mess things up, then they are messed up. I don't understand why I used to live my life worrying about what I did-it's done. I can only control myself, right now. I can't control others, nor can I control what I did in the past. Lessons can be learned from the mistakes you did, because we are human, we make mistakes, and then you live and learn from them. Y
I want to get out and live. What's the point of staying at home, dreaming, and talking to your cat? (Or pet, whatever you people may have.) Being upset about something, whether a death, I know is something that is difficult to get over, but you can never worry about not being able to live. To move on, but never forget, is to live. The people who stand by you, between good and bad, they help you do that, whenever you want to talk about things that bother you, or things that you're upset about. (I think whoever's reading this knows who they are, and who I'm referring to.)
I want to live.
I want to dance.
I want to write.
I want to live.
I want to get married, in the same church where my grandparents did.
I want to be able to forgive.
I want to run.
I want to go to college.
I want freedom.
I want independance.
I want someone to love, and someone to love me.
I want to have children.
I want to go to Italy.
I want to have a bestseller.
I want to be able to forgive, and forget.
And, most of all, I want world peace.


And 15,000 words bitches!

Friday, November 11, 2011

If I

I'm sad.
Today, I went to the cementary. I realized already that it's been a month since his death. And he was a veteran. So it's like a double wammy. And I can't believe that he's actually dead. I always knew that this day was coming, I should have been grateful for all of the extra time, because he was suffereing. I remember how he looked, and those sad eyes, and I wish that he was still here.
It's a thing that I cry about at night.
I often wish he would be able to walk me down the aisle, or at least see me walk down the aisle.
I wish that I would be able to be happy like he said.
I wish that I had someone to help me be able to do so...

Oh, and happy 11/11/11. Boys ask a girl out. Because being asked out today would be the most romantical thing on the planet. And I'm almost at 15,000 words :)

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Veterans.

Oh say, can you see?
By the dawn's early light....
I'm not very good at remembering things such as lryics. Ohh, well. That's not the point of me writing this stupid blog.
I mean. Hi, hello, hi.
How's life everyone whose reading this? I hope it's good.
Anyways, what was I going to say again? Oh yeah I remember now!
Anyways, veterans are the important people that save us from the bad guys of our country. They put their life on the line, day in and day out, just to make sure our freedoms are safe. They make sure that we have the freedoms, and that no one can take them away from you.
I thank my freedom to the thousands of people that spent their time trying to ensure that I'm safe, in addition to one veteran who will always stand in my heart.
RIP Grandpa. I know your own war was dementia, instead of a given enemy, but you deserve a shout out. Thank you for driving around our soldiers. Thank you for everything. And thank you for teaching me how to fight.
Love you. Miss you.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

To Fear the Fear.

There is nothing to fear, but fear itself.
Bullshit.
I'm scared. I'm scared of falling. I wonder if I did if someone would be there to catch me when I fell. I wonder if they would let me fall, even though in my heart of hearts, I knew that I would be fine. I knew that I would be fine, if I could open myself up to someone. But the whole thing, that whole aspect of falling in love makes me scared. I don't know if it's because of relationships that I've had in the past, or if it was something that I could never truly open my self up to doing, I have to do it.
I want to be able to live my dream. I don't want to be too scared to do something, just because I'm afraid to do something, nor get hurt. To be scared of something is insane. Being scared is something silly. But yet, here I am, scared.
I want to stop fearing, and start living.

PS; 11050 words! :D

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Dear Dad.

Writing things always help me feel better. So, here's somethings written...
Dear Dad,
They say the first man you ever admire is your father. They say that the relationship between father and daughter is something that is oh so important. The father is the one that gives you away when you get married, right Dad?
Funny how you're not in my memories.
Funny how my grandpa is in my first memories.
And where were you Dad?
I gave you chance after chance, to make things better, to make us a normal family. But, at the end of the day, I'm the dumbass that got hurt. Look where that got me. You don't care about me. Alongs as I'm a part of your perfect damn image, you don't care. You couldn't even show up to my grandfather's funeral. But it's a good thing you didn't. You might burst into flames when you walk into church.
I hope you know that I want nothing to do with you, not now, not ever again. You will never see me ever again, I don't want you to be at my high school graduation, to watch me go to prom, and of course, walk me down the aisle.
You screwed up, Dad.
Don't blame anyone else for it.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Have you ever Heard the Wolf Cry?

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the full blown moon?
Or ask the grinning bob cat, why he grins?
(inserts more words I forgot.)
I often spend a lot of my time in the past, drowning in things that already happened, when people that you love were alive.
I know that I'm acting like a complete child, but today, for some odd reason I began to cry while listening to that song, Colors of the Wind by Vanessa Williams. It's not really an emotional song, but I went to one of those free concerts that they have in New Haven with my grandpa once.
So then I started to think about him.
And it made me cry, because I realized I would never see him again in this lifetime. He would never see me graduate high school, or walk me down the aisle when I get married. It something that I guess that it's a hard thing to come to terms with.
I hate crying. Okay, it's good for you, and all, but I just hate it. Especially when there's no one there to tell you that you're going to be okay. And all that you're doing is just sitting there crying by yourself, and it sucks.
Meh.

Friday, November 4, 2011

A Sappy Little Post of the Good and the Bad and the Ugly.

I guess love is something that I often question. I often question the meaning, where would one find it, where could I stumble upon it, so my little world can be turned upside down. I often wonder about fate, about how it all works, about whose really the one that I will marry, and actually stay married to for longer than 72 days (sorry Kim.) I wonder if the chills that I get have anything to do with you, and then I don't wish that they would stop because then I could feel something.
I guess that a father's love is something that I've always wanted, craved and desired. I want my dad to be in my life, but I realize that it's no longer possible. I don't want to hurt myself, because I don't want to put myself through a bunch of lies, a bunch of jabs, and having to go through a battle everytime I see him. I guess that at the end of the day, I made the decesion to no longer have any ties with him with myself in mind. Selfish? Yes. But at the end of the day, being selfish is something that you have to do to protect yourself.
I often think about the last time I ever saw my grandfather. The way his eyes looked, sad and gray. I remember him saying "be happy." I remember walking out of that room, realized that I would never be able to see him alive again. I remember tripping over the machine...and almost knocking him out...sorry Grandpa. It breaks my heart to think about things like that, but sometimes, I want to talk about it.
Love, death, and anger.
What a wierd amount of emotions....

Oh, and 5780 words!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Really?

Yesterday, something happened at our school. A student had taken a steal pole, and tried to break a window..wait I think he actually had broken a window. But not the point.
I really wish people would stop talking about it. You all didn't know him personally, so stop talking about it. I can only imagine what he, his family and his friends are going through, and you all spreading rumors seriously isn't a good thing. So, find something new to obsess about, like the Kardashians, because they like being the center of attention, and leave the kid alone. Apparently, Kim's getting a divorce, and I'm sure that's something much more interesting for you to obess about.
Alright?
Thank you.

Oh, and 4556 words baby!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

To Be Happy.

Be Happy.
Those were a few of the last words, other than good bye my grandpa said to me, and my cousin. What did he mean by those words? Now that he's gone, I will never truly know why those words were the one of the last to come out of his mouth.
Be happy.
The words be happy are the ones that should be the most simple two little words on the planet, but in fact they are the words that society has made the most complicated. To be happy has little to do with material pocessions, although when I buy shoes and stuff, I am the most happiest person on the planet, for that moment, until later when you regret your purchase.
To be happy, you enjoy the simple things. Like watching a peanuts special on tv. Those always make someone smile. Or at least I do. Anyways, happiness is chocolate chip cookies. Happiness is cupcakes. Happiness is finding someone to love. Someone who won't sell you out. Happiness is the friends around you, the memories that you will always share with your loved ones, so when you are forced to have a sad moment in your life, then you have someone who can cheer you up, as I have a little friend named Charlotte, who also got me to read Harry Potter.
Anyways.
Be Happy.

PS: 518 Words bro!

Monday, October 31, 2011

Halloween!

Hey Guys :D
Happy halloween! Or Hallow's eve if you will. Time to dress up and scare little children. Fun stuff right there, folks. Oh, and free candy.
So guess what tomarrow is.
November 1st.
I guess that doesn't really mean a lot for a lot of people, but for me, it's the start of the month of insane writing, also known as Nano Wri Mo, where you write 50,000 words, or basically it's a whole novel. So yeah. I think I could do this.
So I guess that means I wouldn't be blogging for a while...so I guess this is goodbye for a while blogger, but I'll try my best to write on here as much as I can during the month.
Here's my nano wri mo profile:
http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/participants/nattbarletta
Come see my progress and stuff! 
Yeah...
Or not.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Happiness is.

Lately, I've been thinking about how one can be happy, and I've come up with one conclusion. Happiness is stuffed snoopies.
I can explain that.
In life, things are way too complicated. Like we need all of the designer things and the big things to make us happy, alongs with big things that makes us sad. So, I guess maybe little things such as snoopy stuffed animals ( I mean really, how can you not like a dancing beagle? Like seriously, he's sooooo freaking cute. I mean he can cook, dance, fly an airplane, write a novel, and fly an airplane) Snoopy is like a boss. It's just so damn cute to see. That, and the one that I just bought is sitting right next to me. He's a World War One Flying Ace. I swear thats the best part of the show.
I guess maybe cartoon beagles are just that awesome.
Maybe we need to watch more dancing beagles to be happy.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

To Reach Out.

Ever feel so sad that you feel like no one is there to hear you cry, no one is there for you to hear you scream, or to help you up once you have fallen?
Yeah that has happened to me. Like for the past week.
Ever feel like everyone is barking at you to do something, like demanding something of you that you can't give, something that helps you become weaker and weaker, until the point you want to snap.
Yeah that sounds about right.
I feel like no one's listening to me.
Or caring.
I understand that people have lives, and want to live them. I just wish that they would, if they can be able to make me feel better. I try to pick myself up, but when I feel lonely, it would be nice if you could answer your phone. I never felt this weak, I never felt like I couldn't move on from day to day.
I hate it when people say that they want to be your friend, but then talk crap about you and tell you what to do. You aren't the fucking boss, you stupid bitch.
I wish someone could help me out of this hole.
Because I need help.
Like a lot of it.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

A bunch of things Composed...

HEY THERE BLOGGERS...
I be back.
Well sorta.
I got some free time.
So. Hi.
How ya doing? Enjoying the weather? That's good.
SO I have had some interesting things to write about. So I've composed a list of what I like, and what I don't like.
Yay lists.
Lessgo.
Things I like:
My good friends
Memories
COOKIES.
Silver rings.
Things I Hate:
People ignoring me.
People thinking that they are all that.
DRAMAAAAAA.

And that's allll folkss. (yes I realize that this was crappy, but I really don't care. I wanted to post something, because...well yeah.)

Friday, October 21, 2011

Devotion.

Devotion. Three syllables.  Eight letters. But what does it mean? It’s no black and white answer, it’s purely gray, meaning that there is no exact definition, but we could find a definition through example, not through words. There are people, more mature than I am, who show this word, rather than define it. The definition of devotion, in my book, is being there for someone, through thick, and thin, through the good, the bad, and the ugly. When I see devotion, I think of my grandma taking care of my grandma. When I see this, I see someone who truly cares about that other person. Devotion is something that means love.
When I hear the word devotion, my mind takes a little trip in time to when my grandma took care of my grandpa, who was a victim of Alzheimer's disease. When he couldn’t walk, she used to lift him into a wheelchair. She changed his diapers, and did whatever she could to take care of him, including sacrificing her own sanity, by not getting out much, unless it was a hundred percent necessary. When he didn’t want to take his pills, she would nag him, until he said somethings that I will not repeat (he wasn’t a violent man, it was the dementia), until he would break down, and take them just to shut her up. When he was confined to live in a nursing home, she would race up there as soon as she can, and leave when the nurses would tell her that visiting hours were over. This is devotion, because she was focused on him, through the good times in their marriage, and through the last five years, which involved her personal sacrifices, just to keep him happy, and healthy.
When I see the word devotion, I think of someone who actually cares about the other person. Marriage, is an example of this. Nowadays, I feel like that people don’t take marriage seriously. Devotion, is part of the marriage. The older couples, would do anything to take care of the other, which is devotion, whereas some of the younger couples would leave their spouses when they have other things to do, or they find someone else to do the things that their previous spouse was unable to do. Caring about someone, and being devote to them, is part of a loving marriage, and one that lasts.
Devotion is part of my definition of love. If you are in love with someone, you are devote to them. You will do anything for them, you will go to any lengths humanly possible to make them happy, even if it involves not being able to do something that is more fun than what you have to do. When you love someone, you have to be there for someone. There has to be more than just the physical, and the “hey you’re kinda cute” thing. Love is truly making an effort for them.
Devotion. It’s something that we hear about it. Maybe we will see it, but it is rare, a once in a lifetime kinda thing. It’s something that I saw with my grandparents. It involves you caring about them. And it’s called love.

Monday, October 17, 2011

An Eulogy.

Today, we buried my grandpa, a man that means a lot to me. My cousin wrote a eulogy, although I always thought I was going to do it. But then, at the alter, I choked. So, here's an eulogy, although none of my family will get to read it:
When I went to write a paper about the people that mean the most to me for expository writing, there was one person in mind that I could possibly write about. That person is my grandfather.
From as long as I can remember, my grandfather ran for me, and my cousins. Whether it was the hockey games, or the constant hospital visits that we all had to go through, my grandfather was front and center for everything, good or bad. Family is something that he always thought was important, to the day he died.
My grandfather loved all of his grandkids, me especially. I remember after being safety patrol in sixth grade, we would go out to coffee at Dunkin Doughnuts, however I wouldn't have coffee.
Sonny taught me most about love. He loved Millie more than anything. He taught me that some men are good out there, whereas others not so much. Everyday, while spending my childhood with him and Millie (who he often referred to as King Pin), he wouldn't be anywhere without her. As she wouldn't be anywhere without him. I personally think the reason he hung onto this life for as long as he did was because he truly didn't want her to be sad of his passing, or that he loved her so much that he didn't want to see her move on.
In life, Sonny was never serious. I always remember him being one of the kids, while my grandmother was watching the troops, and keeping the things in order. I remember him being happy, loving yellow, and talked about the gold old days when he was in the army. He always had a joke in tow, and enjoyed the company of many people, whether he just met them or knew them for years. He was everyone's friend, and loved by people.
Sonny Mansi was a son, brother, veteran, a husband, father, and grandfather. He was a man of many things, delivered bananas for a living, and was Millie's personal chauffeur in his old age. Although he never went to school or did scholarly things, there are things that he taught me that I feel were important. He taught me to never refuse money, to never complain, and to be happy, one of the last phrases that he said to me, and my cousin before his death. And, although I'm sad to see him leave this earth, I know that he is smiling upon us, probably saying "why are you crying, let's eat!", and spending the time with his long lost friends, and relatives, his beloved mother, father, and siblings. I remember him as being a happy individual, someone who never complained, and enjoyed his black1970 Cadaliac devile, which to this day, remains in amazing condition.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

I honestly Don't Know What to Say.

Writing lately is not a fun time, because I can't think of anything to actually write about. So, if you like to help me with that topic, that would be great.
I don't know what I'm feeling right now.
I don't know what to say right now.
I don't know what to think right now.
I don't know anything.
So, I guess that these things are the kind of things that are hard to say. I guess that when things happen, it's just the case.
I feel lonely.
I want someone to talk to.
I want a cookie.
I'm dreading tomarrow, not because I have disrespect, I just don't want to say goodbye. Goodbye is the hardest thing to ever say to someone when you know the next time you see them, you'll be gone. It feels like it's unreal.
I can't believe it.
I realllly feel like talking to someone right about now. So, if you have my number, maybe it might be a good idea to text me. I feel like having a friend right about now. And maybe, some french fries. I want some of those too. And with cheese on it. Lots of cheese.
Just saying.

Friday, October 14, 2011

When You Have Nothing to Say, Maybe the Best Thing to Say is Nothing

Sometimes we know just what to say. Others we don't. How can we fit how we feel, on a piece of paper, or a computer screen, and then maybe in a later time realize you could have gone farther in it, done better.
Sometimes, we don't know what to say, and the feelings just sit there in our brain, begging to be expressed. Life's too short for that. We have these feelings. We should express them, and if they don't work out for the best, then they don't work out. But that's not because you didn't try. People could be here one day, and gone the next, because you really don't know what today brings. I guess it's sad to leave a dream that hasn't been able to be dreamnt, dreams are meant to be lived.
I guess at the end of everyday, we should count our blessings. I have millions of things to say, questions to ask, and I feel like my time is never going to be enough. I only wish I knew how to put my feelings, my damn emotions into legit words. And sentences, we need those too.
I guess I should tell that person I love him. Or learn how to speak sign langauge. Or do the millions of other things I say I'm going to do, and never do.
Oh hey look a email.
Life's too short to be just reading. Maybe it's time to begin writing.

*Here's my grandfather's obituary link (or the link to his obituary). He kinda inspired this whole entry. If you feel it the case, then take the time to read it. RIP grandpa
1927-2011
http://obit.iovanne.com/obitdisplay.html?id=981618&listing=Current

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I Have No Title.

Today I think is the worst day of my life. The person who I love and respect more than anything, has left this earth. He's in heaven now, and as I write this, I cry a river.
He was a man who I love and respect more than anyone. I never thought that there would be a person like him. I wish I got to know him more, I wish he was alive to see me graduate high school. I will always remember leaving badminton indifferent, and going home to feel broken.
Dear Grandpa,
I love you more than anything. You were a great man. You were my one true father figure in my life. You thought me what a man should be like, you thought me that there were good men on this planet. I love you, and will always credit you as being my real parent. I hope you are in heaven, and I hope you are happy, because you deserve the best. I'll think about you everyday of my life, watching Golden Girls with me, taking me everywhere. You were the best person and I wish I could have been there more. I love you grandpa.

Monday, October 10, 2011

To Change. Or Not To Change.

I hate it that women think they have to change themselves to get a man. I mean, come on, if a man was going to be with you for the rest of your life, then wouldn't he be the fool for being with someone who wasn't real? Isn't the whole point of being with someone is to have someone that you enjoy with, not a complete barbie doll.
Just saying.
Women just be yourselves, and men stop being pigs and wanting playboy bunnies instead of human beings. After all, we're not perfect, and you're not either. No relationship is about how pretty someone is, it's about how they mesh together, to make that peanut butter and jelly combonation that is award winning.
I'm tired of Christopher saying that the best thing about a girl is her apperance. I understand it's a part of the whole attractiveness and mating. But I guess men who only fall for the pretty blondes are the ones who end up alone at the end, maybe divorced or something.
Maybe the men should follow their heart.
There's advice that my grandfather gave me yesterday that is going to stick with me for the rest of my life. Be happy.
What does it mean to be happy? To me that means to have people you love, and lots of cookies. You can never have too many of those cookies. Especially the chocolate chip ones, that have just have come out of the oven. Those are always a good thing to have in tow.
To be happy with someone is like eating a warm cookie on a sunny day. You can never not be happy. It's sweet and sugary (maybe not the second one) And you are never left to feel life cold, and alone. Even though you could be feeling that, there's just that one or two people in your life, maybe not lovers to help you feel less alone.
And that's something I guess that everyone needs in their life.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

I Feel Like.

I feel like certain things bring out the worst in us, death and break ups for example. They can make us say things we don't actually mean to say, swearing, having the worst possible outlook in the world, because you feel like doing nothing but sitting in the corner and feeling sorry for yourself, because that's what lazy fucks do when they feel sad.
I feel like men don't treat women the way that they should. I feel like some treat their women like they are slaves, ordering them to make them sandwiches, putting them down, when they should put them up. I feel like men should realize that they have the best that they can possibly have. Women are like diamonds, rare, and beautiful, and a man should treasure them.
I feel like sucide is the way out of bad situations. Every situation has a way out, so there's no need to kill yourself.
I feel like I don't appericate the people who are always there for me, like my closest friends, the ones who I text crying and the ones who I nag twenty four seven.Sometimes I don't say thank you enough, or even at all. I have just come to expect it. Thank you to those whose text inbox I blow up on a daily basis. Without y'all, I don't know...I guess I would be a lonely person. And to all of my friends, family, teamates, coach, and everyone else who I've forgotton, thank you.

Friday, October 7, 2011

To Take But Not To Give.

I hate it when someone does a lot for you, but you get nothing in return, not even respect. I mean someone who does something good for you like drop what they were doing and run over to help you. Someone who did everything for you, and you just sat there and watched them scrivel up into nothing, not even to go and see them on their death bed.
Oh, hello world, I'm ranting.
Anyways, where was I?
Oh yes, now I remember.
Rant time.
Well, I feel if someone does nice things for you, then you should pay them with enough respect and dignity, to go and see you.
It's the least you can do. Just saying.
Now do it.
Now.
NOW.
RIGHT THIS FUCKING SECOND.
Okay, I'm done.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

I don't Know What to say.

I don't know what to say.
So here's a little poem;
Eyes often imprint in my mind, 
Repeat again and again over time. 
I don't know what makes the good die young. 
People just tell me to stay strong. 
Yesterday was good-bye for the last time, 
I don't know what to say, how to make the words fit so fine. 
If I said that I love you, 
Would the words be so true?
Rest now, rest forever, 
I have my life to live before we're together. 
I will never forget you, 
Never told a lie, your words were always true. 
I can't forget the past, 
I only wish it could last. 
If it can carry onto my future, 
That's a memory that I can only ensure. 

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Melting Pot

Today is just one of those days that you feel sad for no apparant reason, the day when you just want to crawl in a corner and not do anything. And all you want is a hug. And maybe even a cupcake. Those are really good too. I like cupcakes.
Today is one of those days when my mind is a billion miles elsewhere, not thinking about what's going on around me, and my mind is somewhere where I end up failing tests and feel like I'm going to end up all alone.
I feel like crap basically.
I'm also angered.
I also want a hug.
I hate it when people act like they are entitiled for certain things. I hate it when bitches be acting loud and obnoxious because they think that they should be the ones doing things first and that they should get exceptions on the rules, whereas if someone else did it then they would be the first to say "she's wrong, and she's a bitch."
I also hate it when people think I'm stupid. I hate when people tell me that because I didn't take a cetain class and made one lousy mistake that I'm a dumb ass. No, I'm not a dumb ass. I take honors classes, and one AP. I suck at math. SO DEAL WITH IT, AND STOP SAYING CAUSE I'M STUPID BRO...cause I'm not. I just sometimes have a wierd way of showing it.
Today is just one of those days when you don't want to do your homework, lie in bed for hours on end until your pain goes away, when really it's not going to. You try hard to concentrate on things, but you're just failing at every single attempt.
Today, I just want someone to help me out of this alive.

Monday, October 3, 2011

The Confusing Emotions.

Emotions and I are never a good mix, kind of like toothpaste and orange juice. I try to run from them, as far away as possible, because dealing with them is one of the scariest things on the planet.
But then, it caught up with me.
I always thought that crying was a sign of weakness, a sign of showing "hey world, my life sucks, so I'm going to draw as much attention as humanly possible, and hope that you can comfort me, blahblahblah."
But no more.
I always thought my life was hard, not growing up with a father, but then I never thought of the need to deal with emotions. My mom never cried when my dad left her, why should I cry over something that really isn't that important?
But then, well..I became a teenager.
Yesterday, I watched someone that I love be in pain, eyes crying for help. An image, that is haunting me to this very minute. Yesterday, I felt like crying. I felt like punching a while. I wanted someone to take me far away from what I was witnessing, and to never see it again, locking it under lock and key. I wanted to someone to hold me as I cried. And, I want someone to tell me that they will help me feel like I'm not alone, because sometimes I feel like I am. Chris always told me to never let my emotions get the best of me..but look at where I am.
They got the best of me. Someone please dig me out of this whole.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

I Often Think.

Thinking in the waiting room is always a fun time.
I think about life...the quality of it, and other things.
  • I often think about death and dying.
  • I often think about love.
  • I often think about cookies. 
  • I often think about the way that things are. 
  • In the end, I often think about you.
Thinking about things is something that I guess is important for someone to do. Thoughts about certain things confuse me..
but then the things in life that confuse me the most are the ones that are the most important....well, so I've heard.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Loose Ends

I often believe that a break-up is like a mirror, once it's broken, then you can hurt yourself trying to fix it. (Well the only difference between a broken heart and a broken mirror is that the mirror leaves your finger all gross, and the broken heart...well it hurts)
I notice that after the end of a relationship, there are a lot of loose ends, like at the end of a friendship bracelet. (I enjoy making those, so I guess it's a reference that makes sense) Loose ends that can either be cut, or be friends.
Now why are there a lot of loose ends at the end of a relationship...(the friendship bracelets have a lot of loose ends to help us put them on.)
But the point of this thing is basically....
Uhmmmm..
If there is a lot of loose ends, sometimes it's best to leave them tied.
And sometimes it's best to just leave them alone.
And how do we know? Sometimes we never do. That's why it's best to trust our gut. And of course the person you tell about all your probelms too...

*Wahh...SATS tomarrow...

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Drunken Whores Needa Chill.

Today, I had a day off from school. So, I spent most of it doing homework, and of course, watching some television, when I had a spare moment. And Jersey Shore was on. So, for kicks, I watched it.
SNOOKI AND DEENA....OHMYGOSH.
Okay, now I'm done.
No..wait.
HOW MUCH CAN ONE DRINK BEFORE THEY LOSE THEIR SANITY?!?!?! AND NOT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING?
I mean like seriously? How does being drunk all of the time, and whining, and acting stupid, is attractive? It's not. It makes you look dumb and trashy. It makes you look cheap, because you end up flashing people in the club and have sex with people that you just met. Guys don't respect you; they just look and laugh at you, probably thinking that you are nothing but a good time. Or a "blast in a glass" as Deena calls it.
I'm not saying it's bad to drink. But, like food, it shouldn't be extreme amounts. Makes you look trashy. Makes you look like you have no control. You need some control to live, some control, because too much of anything, over a long period of time, can actually kill you.
When I watched Snooki and Deena today, I actually started to cringe. How can you poison your body like that? I believe that your body is like a temple, you must cherish it. But too much of alcohol, can do so much harm then good. Look at Charlie Sheen, or his character, Charlie Harper. His liver must have been such a horrible sight. That, and the fact I want to know what I'm doing, and where I'm going. I don't need alcohol to tell me otherwise.

* wow, it's been a while since I've last posted. Silly SATS/APs. Hopefully, I'll be able to post more soon!

Friday, September 23, 2011

LOVE.

L.
O.
V.
E.
This is one of the words in the English language that has always confused me. It's simple to say, easy to spell, but the hardest to understand. It always seems like I write about this subject, but really, I can never find the true answer. So every answer I find is an answer that builds upon another.
What is love?
I think I have come closer to the definition. I think I did anyways. I think love is like people-there are more than one kind of it.
There's the love with your friends, which I remember writing about a few months ago. That's one of the more enternal kinds of love, the kind that would last for a while. Friends are the ones that would steal your food, the ones that will be there when you have things going on with you, the ones that bring you junk food to binge on, and the ones who are always there for you.
Then there's family. Or friends that are like your family. I think I wrote about this before also, so I'll keep a short summary on that. Basically they were always there for you, and always will be there for you, no matter what you do. (So if you fall and break your leg, they will be the first to sign it..) They were there in the beginning, and will always be. (even  if the beginning wasn't the beginning of your lifetime.)
Now we come to the part that I haven't wrote about. The part about love that I have realized today.
There are two kinds of romantic love, I think. Eternal and baby love.
Eternal love is when you love someone, to the point when you want to marry them. It's so strong that you just know that the other person is right for you. It's like the twilight zone. Eternal lovers can say anything to the other and know that nothing will change what they have.
Then there's baby love, aka puppy love. That's when the awkward starts. When you don't know what you're doing, the victims of kindergarten crush syndrome. This kind of love is shielded by the fear of messing up, and usually one would leave over something petty. You can see this kind of relationship in high school, middle school, and even as late as college.
And what I'm looking for? Love. The kind of love that it doesn't matter where you are with them, you could be having the time of your life. I want to be with someone whose my best friend, and someone whose my lover too. I want my friends and my family to know about him. I want to live a time of happiness, and ride the waves for as long as possible because I know nothing will last forever. I want to learn something with them. I want to try new things, I want to live for the day, and know that with him by my side, I won't have to worry about being lonely on the times when I'm in need. I want to be in love. Like what Carrie said "I want love; inconvient, I can't live without you love.
So...where might you be?

Thursday, September 22, 2011

In the Middle.

Have you ever felt like you were in the middle of something bad that was going to happen, and then there you stood, powerless, unable to stop the sinking titanic that is in front of you. People will get hurt. Lives will be changed forever, and perhaps you don't know what to do or say for either party involved, the peanut butter in between the two pieces of wheat bread. (well it could be any type of bread, but I like wheat, so I thought wheat would be a classy thing to write.)
In some ways, I could have predicted this was going to happen. I knew it would from the first day of school, that this was going to sooner or later, and I would probably be forced to chose. I don't want to chose between sides. I want to be freaking Switzerland.
They are the neutral ones, right?
I guess this is what happens when two of your best friends decide that it's a classy time to go out with each other. Eventually it all gets awkward, and then you have to figure out who you love more. (And that's kinda hard when one's your best guy friend, the other is like the sister that you never had.) Of course, you want to be a good friend to both. But then, you realize, that you can't.
In the middle of fights, and breakups, maybe it's best to be the apple you eat after your sandwich. That way, you're still involved in the meal, but not in the making of the sandwich.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Changes.

So, today I was looking at pictures from my freshman year. At first, I cringed, because I was incredibly fat, and ugly, however I thought that I was the most beautiful thing on the planet. Then, nostalgically thoughts started to kick in, and then I began to remember a time when I was naive, a time when I thought just because I liked a person, meant that I should tell the entire planet.
Yeah, I was pretty stupid.
Looking back at the pictures with my best friend, my choir friends, my friends at lunch, and more people I randomly met (I know a lot of people), is A: Damn, I took a lot of pictures. B: I had wierd clothing choices. C: Thank God, I got contacts. D: Wow that was three years ago.
It's still shocking that I'm a senior. I can't get over it.
Okay, maybe I can.
I'M A SENIOR BITCHES!
Now that I got that out of my system, back to serious writing..
Serious my ass.
Anyways.
What was I saying again.
Oh yeah, contuing on, looking through those pictures brought back a lot of memories. Some good, some bad, some just plain ol' embarssing. I think that at the end of the day, it's what makes you fall on your ass shows you what to do, and tells you what not to do.

Monday, September 19, 2011

The Go With Your Gut Theory

Ever hear the saying "always go with your gut?"
Ever follow your gut, and then you fall flat on your face, like an idiot, and then people point and stare at you, then laugh at you.
Well, I heard that today in my AP class. See, we were having a test, so my teacher said "Follow your gut, and never overthink things." So, that got me thinking...WHAT IF OUR GUT IS WRONG?
Once, I felt like I knew that someone liked me. Like literally in my gut, I felt that way. But then, he didn't. But, I still feel like he did.
I dunno.
Stupid gut.
Get yourself in check.
Anyways, back to what I was saying.
What happens when your gut is wrong? Do we live, and do we learn? Or do we learn not to follow it, that it's best to just let things be?
The thing about love, is that it's not fact, it's way more complicated than that. It's not as easy as tying your shoes, it's something like solving a chemistry or a precalc probelm.
But with love, we don't get the xs and we don't get the ys. We just get the situation, and we get thrown out there, desparate to find the x to our ys. But unfornatly, it doesn't work out like that. We often have to go through years and years of trials, just to find the correct one.
And, maybe, just maybe, our gut helps us reach that point.
So, I guess that my gut is a good thing after all!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

When You're Young

When you're young, you are the most vulnerable. You don't know what's out there, and you don't know what you want in life. You don't know what you want to do yet. Yet, we are forced to fit into a mold, to find a career, to become a label, to be the person that other people want you to be. We are forced and molded to want to be succesful, to want to settle down to have children, to want to be what everyone else is.
When you're young you should be able to do whatever you can, or whatever you feel is right. If you want to dye your hair pink, dye your hair pink. We should be able to learn from our mistakes and be able to say "I'm glad I did that," not "I wish I did that." We have the rest of our lives to cringe at our mistakes that we make now. Maybe we even cringe at the things we used to do as little as two years ago.
When you're young, your parents try to shield you from the world, to tell you you can't do things.
And when you get old, you become a verison of them, with the dreams of being something else stuck in your heart forever, caged, with no way out.
We never stop growing. People are like infinite independent variables, they always change. Time is the dependant variable that we always measure the time that has passed. We always go foreward, and it is always measured. Our lives at the end are like the final thing that we find out the outcome, we never know completly what will happen to us in the end. We will only know the outcome when the end of our lives come. We could get married and divorced. We could have eight kids.
We just never know.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Because I knew you, I've Been Changed For Good.

There are people who come and go in our lives, leaving imprints on our hearts. The imprint lasts forever. It stays with you, the memory always staying with you.
Okay, now I want to sing "For Good."
Because I knew you, I've been changed for good.
Because I knew Sonny, I've been changed for good. I sometimes wonder why he still hangs on, while in so much pain.
But then maybe he's staying alive for someone that he loves. Maybe, he's scared to leave her, so he decided to suffer so she doesn't have to.
Yeah, that's love.
I want that. You know, that kind of love.
Wow, this blog entry sucks. Sorry, my mind's tapped out guys. Long week.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Love Is Not War.

A lot of people compare love to war. In the Sex and the City movie, Samantha compared love to chemotherapy. Is love that bad? Is love worth fighting for? Or is love something that we have to fight for, and once we win the fight, then it's bittersweet, because the battle has been won. But then again, isn't love worth fighting for?
Today, I want to spend some time talking about dating violance. I don't care if you think you know everything about the subject, you don't. I want to save one person, maybe more from falling the victim of being in an abusive relationship. Friends, if you see the signs, please talk. Everyone else, try to stay on your toes.
If someone is controlling someone, that's bad. If someone is making them "check in", that's bad too. You shouldn't have to keep tabs on the person. A relationship is all about trust, you should be able to trust that person enough that if you went out without them, they won't go off and do something stupid. And if that thought does cross your mind, then you shouldn't be with that person from the beginning. If that person hits you, or calls you a bitch, then they certainly shouldn't be doing that.
If you or a friend is going through it, please try your best to get out of it. Break up with them, and try to stay away from someone. Follow your gut. It could do wonders.
Please take the time to go to the Lindsay Anne Burke Fund website. (Link at the end of the blog) and become a fan of her on facebook. Six years ago around today, Lindsay was murdered by her boyfriend. Please take the time to read her story, because we can learn from it.
http://labmf.org/

Monday, September 12, 2011

A Person Worth Remembering.

A person worth remembering is someone who has made your life worth living. Someone that in twenty years, you will still want to think about what they did for you. Remembering that helps you because in the future, you won't forget someone who has changed your life in ways that when they are gone, you don't know how you'll ever move on without them in your life.
I've learned so much from my grandfather, whose more like a father to me. I can still remember playing the piano (not very well..I used to bang on the thing so hard that it's a wonder why it didn't break!) and he would sit on one of the dining room chairs. I remember him taking care of me everyday. I remember when he used to take my grandmother everywhere, and fall asleep because she took so long. I remember everything, like it was yesterday.
But it took five years of a complete downward spiral.
Thanks to my grandfather, I learned that there are good men out there. I learned that with hard work, you can do anything. I learned to make jokes, and never leave a man hanging.
Most importantly, I learned how to love.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Rememember 9/11

Ten years ago on this very day, two planes struck the twin towers. Another struck the pentagon, and another in some town in Pennsylvania. Thousands lost our lives, and the life of every American has been changed forever. The war of Terror has begun.
 Today, let's take a moment to remember and relfect how far we've come as a country, and as a society.
Today, let's remember 9/11.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

I Need Someone.

I feel like my emotions are trapped in a jar, waiting to explode.
I feel like when I cry, there is one there to listen.
I feel like there's no one there to cheer me up, to catch me.
I need someone to hear me, to make things better. I feel like everything and everyone is ignoring me while I spin out of control.
I need someone to tell me that it will be okay.
I need someone to tell me that I'm not alone, and I won't have to deal with this alone.
I want someone to hold me while I cry.
I want someone to be there for me, because I need someone to tell me that everything's going to be okay.
I want someone to hold my hand.
At the end of the day, I wish that everything will be okay.
At the end of the day, I know I will be alright.
At the end of the day, I wish that I had some emotional backbone.
And, I know that with someone with me, I'll be okay.

Friday, September 9, 2011

The Pyschology of Love.

I always am curious about the concept of love, the concept of what's real and what's a knock off. I always wondered what makes us fall in love, and what's behind it.
And so far, I got nothing.
Nada.
Niente.
That's about all of my language skills right there.
I believe that love is something that is not black or white, but gray. There are so many ways to be in love, and it's something that eventually happens to everyone, no matter straight, bi, or gay, black, or white, short or tall, and left handed and right handed. Love is something that is obtainable for everyone, along with the time or place that's right for everyone.
I also think that there is more than one kind of love. There's the love between a family; then there's a love between a man and a woman, and then there's the kind of love between friends.
The kind of love between a family is something that is forever, a bond so thick that they last forever. You can't shake your family, no matter how hard you try. They are there forever, and tease you when you do something stupid, but yet are there for you when you fall flat on your ass and need a friend.
The kind of love between a man and a woman (well it's not always between a man and a woman, but you all know what I mean) is sexual, and eternal. It's something that can't be explained, yet is something that is sought after because it's so amazingly great. The joy of sex with someone that you really love (according to Sex and the City) is one of the best things on the planet. I still seek to find that love, even though sometime I question if I ever truely have touched it. It's the thing that leaves us tounge-tied, and it's the thing that leaves our heart pounding. The love of romance is so amazing.
The kind of love between friends is also amazing. This love I know I found, with two really amazing people; Charlotte, and Samantha. They are the ones I cry to. The ones I gloat to. The ones that I hate to disappoint. They are the ones that you call when you've got good news or the bad news. I know I can count on them. Of course, I always can count on Chris to bother but that's a different story altogether.
Love. The most complicated thing in the world, that yet is so simple. We think we know everything about it, but really we know nothing, we just know tiny tid-bits of information of it.
Maybe that's all we do know.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

To Be...Or Not to Be.

Serious relationships...What do they mean? Do they mean getting married, or just being in love? Is the goal to get married? Is that with all of the relationships out there have a common thing, to eventually break, or to make it to the alter?
To be in love is something that is the most incredible thing on the planet, so I've heard. I believe that I truly have never been in love, only believed that I did, based on what I thought was love, based on crappy love songs by Nevershoutnever, and the whole Twilight thing. I guess that love something that you actually feel, not something that you think you should feel.
A serious relationship is something that could or could not see the end of the road. People could just be together for their lives, without a ring on their finger. People could just be afriad to take that next step in a relationship.
Marriage of course, is the eternal promise that two people would fall in love forever, and be bound to each other from the day of the vow, until the promise is being made. Marriage is a promise that many people see and witness.
Do I believe in marriage? I'm not sure. I want the wedding, but the commitment is something that scares me even more than heights.  Even when I was in love, I was always scared that they would leave me. I was scared that they would leave me heartbroken. And did they? Yes. But, that's the risk one has to take, if they like someone, you have to be willing to let them break your heart. You're strong. I know I could handle anything, because I know relationships are like nature: you got to let them take it's course.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Stay Classy While Internetting.

Somethings on Facebook just bug me. I mean come on, Facebook is a public place. Stop being such a whore everyone.

Here's some things that irk me. What irks you readers?:
  1. Myspace pictures. Yo, this ain't myspace. Facebook isn't a place that you can show off your goodie, hoe. No one wants to see your body. Don't take mirror pictures either, unless you're really bored, and they came out all good looking. But don't post them everyday..just to get attention. That's ain't classy hoe. 
  2. Don't post every thought that comes in your mind. Yes, I understand, there's a lot of thoughts in your mind, and they kinda are not important. Statuses shouldn't consist of the words hit me up. If you want people to text you you have a phone. Just text them, you idiot. 
  3. Use proper english. I mean you go to school for a reason?
Well those are some of the things that irk me on Facebook...I would rant longer but I have a pile of homework that should be done...do I want to do it? No..but ohh well..