I'm Moving.

Okay, so I'm not actually going anywhere. But, my blog is. After almost two years, and 338 posts, my time here at Notations has drawn to a close. I want to start a new chapter in my life, and sometimes, having a blank slate to do so, is the best thing. I want to find my own voice, whatever it may be, so I'm starting a new chapter in my blog.
Come visit me here: http://findingmyownvoice7.blogspot.com/
Peace!

Thats So What...?

For school, I have to write a paper about the phrase that's so gay. And that got me thinking about the whole thing. So, here's my own opinion of the whole subject.
I think it's stupid that people use the term that's so gay to describe things in a negative manner. Like, if you want to say something is stupid, you say something is stupid. You don't target a racial or group, because that's just offensive.
I have many friends who a gay or bi. They are the nicest people on the planet. When you say 'that's so gay', you may or may not realize what you are doing, or saying. When I hear that saying, I hear nails on the chalkboard. I think of the struggles of the gay community, how hard it is for someone to admit to themselves, and their families, that they are gay, and there may be some people who were once friends, became their enimies. They have to have a sense of honesty with themselves, in addition to the world around them, that they are different, and want different things than perhaps others day. I give them so much credit, and respect, because they have to go through that, and coming out to someone seems like the hardest thing for someone to do, because they worry that maybe people won't look at them the same way.
To all of the people who that's so gay, please stop it. It is rude, and hurtful. It's bullying, to put it simply, it's a word that should not be used, and should be extinct from our vocabulary. So, please think about what you're saying. And then, if you doubt it, shut your mouth.
Thank you.

Sonny Days

Sunshine can overshine the worst of sadness. 
Memories of jokes and laughter sometimes can overshadow the pain. 
I remember you happily telling me your days in the army. 
I remember your eyes in pain. 
I remember you singing 'buckbuckbuck, how many fingers up'. 
I remember you screaming in pain.
I remember your jokes. 
I remember you saying goodbye. 
Sonny days overshadow overshadow rain. 
When my life has become too much for me to handle. 
I pray for your guidance,
And then I remember, 
That with every storm, 
There will be a sonny day to come. 

 Rest In Peace Grandpa

 And yes, I realized that I said I was going to take a break, but I changed my mind. Nothing wrong with that, eh?

Some times.

Since my last blog entry, a lot has been happening in my life, and I've been feeling pretty low lately. Drama, pressure for college, driving, paying for college, relationships, being lonely, missing my grandfather, being a teenage girl, high school, and the drama that comes along with my father. Basically I'm overstressed, and underpaid (kidding).
I promise I will get better. In time, I will.
I also wanted to take a little time away from my daily blogging, until spring break. I need the time to breathe. I will be back, I promise. Just let this week go by.

The Real Natalie.

Hi, my name is Natalie Anna-Maria. I am going to be eighteen years old in July, and I believe people have misconceptions about me, which I would like to change.
I am not a fake person, so if you heard that it isn't true. I'm not the type of person that would however be the one to tell you that I have a problem with you, because I'm afraid of starting drama, whether you might be my best friend or my family member. If I have a problem with you, chances are you are the last person I would talk to about, because I'll admit it, I'm scared of fixing problems, because I suck at thinking of the perfect thing to say. I don't know how to say I have a problem with you, let's fix it. I just avoid you for the rest of my life, because I don't want to do something stupid.
This may sound weird, but this is the only way to say this: It's really hard to be me. I grew up with out a Dad, and to this day, I never got to know him. I wonder what my life would be like if my dad was around. I wonder who my dad is, and sometimes, I'm angry with him, and sometimes, I want to get to know him. Both situations hurt me, because due to my worst flaw, I am unable to say what's really on my mind, with him. Maybe that's why I am the way that I am, in the first place. I also was VERY close to my grandfather. Like he basically was my only paternal figure that I had. When he died, I first was hysterical. For days. I still kind of feel horrible about it. I only not lost him, I watched him lose his mind, and on my sixteenth birthday he basically acted like something was taking over him. He was screaming, and swearing. He was at the nursing home, and we went to visit to bring him some cake. He was distraught because my grandmother had left early (after spending six to seven hours at a nursing home). I remember that he would get up, scream "Fuck you people!" and scream like something was killing him. To this day, I try to avoid speaking about it, because it hurts too much. But, now I want to talk about it, and to the science nerd who has somehow read every entry that I've written (so he's said) I would like to someday discuss these emotions with you.
My biggest fear is come June that I will lose two people that mean the world to me. I put you two through hell, don't think I don't know that, and for that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that at times, I tell you to go away, or that I hate you. You two are the people that I'm closest too, my little sissy, and my therapist. You are the only two people who I know I can trust, and cry to. When something bad happens, I can count on you two to make things better. I trust you two, and hope that in college, I can still remain very close with both of you.
I am Natalie Anna-Maria. I basically want people to know that I'm not crazy. I have a lot on my plate, and I want some control in my life.
I want to say "no", and people not make me say why I think the way that I do.
I wish that I had someone to love me, and told me that everyday.
I wish for someone to say that I'm special to them.
I wish someone would text me to just say hello.
I wish for world peace.
I wish that I could see my grandfather one more time.
I wish people didn't have to put me in a catergory.
I wish that I was stronger.
I wish that I could open up to more people.
I wish that I wasn't a bitch.
I wish that I didn't feel like I didn't matter.
I wish that people wouldn't bully others based on race, wieght, and family.
I wish for love. Not just for me. But for everyone.

We're All Different

Today, I decided to watch the news for the first time in who knows how long. And want to know the first thing that I see? A headline about a celebrity that people are complaining are too heavy or fat. My first thought was ' grandma don't change the channel, I want to watch it,' my second thought was 'what does it matter if someone was too fat or thin', it should matter what they think or what they say, or do. Judging by appearance is something that is really stupid in my opinion. Why would you put someone in a catergory? So you can judge them? So that the people who don't fit into them would feel like they don't matter and don't fit in with the rest of the world? And then you make them feel sad?
Why do we put people through this? When people go to take standardized tests, they have to check one box-either black, white, asian, or others? But we are selling people short, with doing so. To me, it's like saying it's either this or that.
Life is not a black or white catergory. There's a whole gray area in our lives that we chose to ignore, the people who don't fit the mold, the people that make the mold.
Whether you're not solely one culture, or you're the only one that you know whose a size ten instead of zero, that doesn't make you ugly or wierd. It makes you different. Sometimes, being different can be difficult. But, it's a good thing. Society doesn't understand that people are not just the Barbie dolls, blond and thin and busty. There are people who aren't thin.
There are people who aren't blonde.
There are people who don't have boobs.
But, that doesn't matter. They are still beautiful. As Lady GaGa would say you were born this way baby!

Future

Until now, I haven't given that much thought to my future, meaning that I always thought that I would be young forever and not grow old.
However senior year of high school came along and changed everything. I realized that I am almost a legal adult and really need to think about my future and life plans. What would I do? Who would I be? Famous? Smart?
After June, I will be attending college. I will be getting a degree of some sort in English, because I plan to be a writer. I hope that during that time I will write a book, which would be published, and then pay for all of the debt that I will be in college.
 Maybe, I'll go to graduate school, I haven't decided that part. I always wanted to go to Yale for that.
After college, I plan to get a job of some sort. Probably teaching even though I am not patient or anything. I don't plan to be working in that profession for that long. I plan on writing while working, however, once I make a comfortable living with writing my books I plan to quit.
Family is also something that is key to my future. I want my children to have both parents in their lives, and a relationship with both of us. I want to get married, sometime in my mid twenties. I want to be in love when I'm young. However there is no set date when I would meet the guy, or anything, it's just my dream. I want to enjoy things when I'm young.
Also, I want to hopefully marry a doctor or a lawyer. Mainly because while my husband is at work, I can take care of my children, while maintaning the career of a writer. I hope between my husband and I, we have the opportunity to give our children security. I would like kids, if I can have them. Maybe adopt one. That would be cool.
If all goes well, basically, I plan to be an author with a family. Kinda like the Weasleys from Harry Potter. I always admired Mrs. Weasley...But plans, do change. However, I just want to be happy. Perhaps, the main goal of all of this is to be happy.
Wow, Grandpa. You were right.

High School Is Getting Old.

High school drama is something that I feel is getting stupider and stupider. What she says, what he did, it's all a spinning wheel of drama and situations. Yes, I've been watching Secret Life of the American Teenager for the past hour.
I feel like drama such as someone stealing someone else's boyfriend, is extremely overrated, and unnecessary. I mean, if you're jealous of someone, don't try destroying their life to make yours better. Making someone cry doesn't make you happier. Trying to steal someone's boyfriend, or destroy their relationship would not make you with that person. They probably wouldn't think much, other than you are probably a slut, and an attention whore.
I guess that in a way, I think that high school is a rush of hormones, and when someone is on a rampage to destroy, they will use people as their chess game pawns. But is that the mature thing to do? I think not.
 I'm tired of people not trusting one another, and people that care more about themselves, then others. I'm tired of watching relationships become way more than they are expected. Isn't the point of a relationship is that you can have some company? Isn't the point of one to have fun together, have someone to come to when the time is bad, not rip the guy's throat off because he didn't bring you flowers, and tend to your needs. A guy should want to do those things, bitches, not you yelling at them to do so. You can't yell at them when they won't bring you flowers, you can't yell at them for having friends that, believe it or not, aren't you. Stop being so controlling, you stupid bitch.
Am I crazy to want a relationship and actually trust the guy? Or want to bond with people who are NOT my boyfriend? I mean, I haven't been in a relationship in a while, but shouldn't I want to be with a guy, and then my friends? I'm not Bella Swan, and I don't want things to be like Twilight.
Funny how relationships can cause so much drama...Here's to drama free relationships, raise our glass to trust, and open the door to space.
Together, we can make the drama cease.

There Is No Title.

Sundays used to be spent eating a concoction made by grandma, family around, laughing and eating. Then Sundays were spent at the retirement home, and now on the occasional Sunday, we are spending it at the cementary.
Holidays are often the worst for memories. They hurt because those are the good memories, and the good memories often feel like they are painful to think about. The memories of my grandfather, the ones that make me smile, or laugh are sometimes to painful to think about.
A stone now represents the memory. A black stone, shiny and gray, saying his name, dates, father, husband and grandfather. In a way, it seemed like it didn't represent him. But mostly, at least I knew what it was, another reminder that he is no longer with me. He may there somewhere in spirit, but when I go to prom, he won't be there to take the pictures, nor see me walk to Pomp and Circumstance. He will not be able to attend my graduation party, teach me how to drive Rosie, the honda. When I get my license, I plan to go over to see him, but somehow, I realize that it will never be the same.
I remember the day I went to take my permit test, and failed. I remember going to the reitirement home to see him, and I don't remember what exactly he said, but somehow I felt better. I think it was one of those rare days that he was up, and able to remember who I was. I wish that he was still here, because he always made everything better.
I often wonder about where my grandfather is. I often think about the last time I saw him, in a coffin. Eyes will never open again, in his favorite suit, tie, a cap, and a bunch of other things. I wish that I can see him just one more time, healthy. I want to know if he's proud of me, if he's happy, and what he thinks about the decesions that I have made. I often wonder what he would do if he met a few close friends of mine. I often wonder why it hurts too much for me to think about him, I don't know why I write so many blog entries about this subject, nor why do I talk about it as much or little as I do, but in the strangest way, sometimes expressing my emotions through word is the either the easiest thing for me to do, and at the same time, it's the hardest. Sometimes, I ask my friends for a hug, sometimes, it makes it a tad bit easier for me to bear. I wish that at the end of the day, there was a black or white answer on how to deal with grief, but there isn't. No one is the same, and no one deals with the same things equally.
I love you grandpa.
I miss you Grandpa.
Do you know that?

Love.

I have been busy over the last few days...sorry guys! I know you are deeply disappointed. Or not. Anyways, I haven't been writing because of the stresses of school and yeah. You all don't care. I should continue with today's entry now.
Today, in my second english class, we were talking about hate. How people hate on certain others, groups, and various others. In my sociology class, we learned about love, and marriage. So then, I got to thinking about this whole love thing. And it inspired me.
Love is something that is felt by anyone. We don't know what it's like, until we look until that someone's eyes. It doesn't matter about things like gender, race nor ethnicity. It doesn't matter if you are black or white, gay or straight. It's something that connects us to one another, to another human being. We all feel it, and others shouldn't try to fight it, because love is love, and we all deserve to be happy. Gays should be allowed to marry, because they are just as in love as Jack and Rose in Titanic were. We all deserve to say our 'I dos" to that special someone, whether they are the same or different sex, or race. Love is love.
I often watch the TV shows, and the movies, and I wonder about love. I wonder if I will ever find it, if I will ever find that someone. Maybe I will. I hope I do. Sometimes, being the crazy writer chick can be a little lonesome. 

Grandpa's Stories

Sometimes, when the weather didn't permit for me to play outside and my cousins weren't around, my grandfather would sit down in his worn blue recliner, to tell me stories. There were stripes in the fabric. And it rocked, back and forth.
He would tell me many stories, some about his business as a wholesale banana deliever, his days in the army or his family. They always had two things-wisdom and humor. He would joke so much in his stories my grandmother, who was currently dusting would stop just to shake her head and put her own two cents in.She was always interupting.
As the years from childhood turned in to adolescence, my grandfather got older as well. But until my junior year in high school, he would still go on telling me the stories, except due to dementia they would be shorter and more and more confusing. Nonetheless, we would still like to hear them. We knew his days were numbered, although I always thought there was a way that we can reverse the hands of time, although he began to not be able to walk or take care of himself.
Then one day, he entered the home, this time, unlike the others, he would never return home.
His stories ceased-but I always thought that they would be back again.
Dementia took the stories and the story teller a year later, on a crisp October day.
Now, his stories are like on dvr in my mind-when I want to hear them, when its not too hard for me to think about. I think about them, they be comforting me, when I miss him the most. I wonder if one day, I can tell the stories to my children. Or write a book. One or the other.

Whatever Happened to Courting?

In this society, we move in the fast lane. Fast internet, fast women (it's from a song), text messages getting sent at instant speed, and the ability to have your entire music and movies libary available to you at the click of a button. Has dating become of victim to the increasing desire of speed?
I guess that dating has fallen victim to the fast lane. I mean people have sex within weeks or months of meeting each other. Isn't sex supposed to be something that's meaningful, not just something you do when you're bored? Like seriously? You don't hand out your goodies to every passerby. Like a random stranger on the street, you don't go around saying that you're going to do him, and get him laid.
People should really love someone before getting into that kind of relationship. With love, your heart must do the talking. People shouldn't also have sex just to keep their boyfriends. If it was meant to be, then he would not be pressuring you to do so. If he is, dump his ass, and he'll whore with someone. You'll find someone who actually cares about you, and your values.
I think we should all think about the good old days. I think that the generations before us had the best ideas of dating-courting. Taking our time to taking that step. I think it's a good thing, to stop and smell the roses, especially when it comes to dating. Get to know that person, before the relationship. Or, at least know their last name. Because, it's cool to know that, before going the next step. Just saying.
I want a courtship. I saw this on TV. The guy asks the father (or in my case the mother) if they can ask the daughter out. Then, they go out on casual dates, and after the third, the guy asks if he can be in a comitted relationship. Then we be dating, and yeah.
I'm going to be single for a long time. Forever alone? Hell yes.

My Philosphy On Life.

The world that I live in, I've gone through so much bullshit and stuff, so I figured that everyone needs my input on it. Why? Cause I have my own damn ideas on how things are, and I should share it with the world. So. Prepared to be enlightened.

1. Some people like to see you happy. Others don't. And when the people who don't like to see you happy see you happy they will try to ruin it. So, pretend that they don't phase you, ignore them, and be happier. Chances are they will be bitching from the sidelines. Then, you can laugh at them bitching, because well they deserve it.
2. Pray for your enemies. Whether or not you forgive them, it's up to you. But be the bigger person and wish the person that you hate good fortune. That way, you don't hold grudges and let them go, and everything will be kosher. 
3. Chances are good to take. Whether they may be in  love or in life, sometimes putting yourself out there is a good thing, because then you can live. Life you need to live, not sit around on the sidelines. 
4. Don't control your boyfriend or girlfriend. If you can't trust them, talk to them about it. I don't think its fair to make someone feel like they are under control. If they have done something, like cheat on you, then there is like serious probelms, and that you shouldn't be with someone who cheats on you. 
5. Eat cookies. They make you smile.
6. Love before hate. Hate should be banned from your vocabulary.

Control?

Okay, so you all hear all of the things about the boyfriends controlling their girlfriends...but what about the girlfriends controlling their boyfriends? I mean if a guy controls a girl, then thats wrong, but what if a girl controls a guy? Like seriously if a girl pulls some of the things that guys pull with girls, is it okay?
I don't think it's okay. You're in a relationship right? You should love and respect the other person. You shouldn't tell them what to do. You shouldn't have to hold their phone for them while you're with them. They shouldn't have to pay for everything. They should be able to wear whatever they want, not what you want. They should have friends that are the opposite sex, no they should have as many friends as they desire, and you should be cool with it.
I think what relationships lack is trust. But if you can't trust someone, why are you with them? If you have trust issues, you should let the other person in, versus yelling at them and making them feel small. They don't deserve you being their mother, they don't deserve you yelling at them. Everyone whose in a relationship deserves a little bit of trust, and it goes a long way. Trust is what makes relationships work, and trust is what makes the world go around. If we trust each other, than we wouldn't have less probelms. But, if we do something that makes the trust break, then maybe we should talk about it with that person? Just saying.
Love is partially trust. Don't control someone just because you don't trust them. Maybe you shouldn't be with them.

Dear Former Friend,

Dear Former Friend,
You and I have been, what I thought were really close friends for a really long time. I thought that we would always be there for each other. I fulfilled my end of the deal, and I thought that you would too. When you were going through a breakup, I was there, ready to help you, and gave you advice when you needed it.
But, one day, a random stranger told me that you were spreading some kind of rumors about me. And all I can think of is why? Sure, we haven't exactly been on the best of terms, and sure, we haven't talked over the past few months, but really? You would go as far as to spread some kind of lie...just so I can be hurt. As you probably know, I have enough on my plate, and I don't need you to you know, do that.
But that's not my probelm. My probelm is why would you do that? Why would you spread some lies about me?
And then, when I try to talk to you, why would you ignore me like the plague?
What did I do, is all I want to know?
It hurts me to think that you would go around and spreading things about me, when I wouldn't spread anything about you. We were friends, we laughed and cried together. We celebrated our strengths, and worked through the bad times. When you needed help with a project, I was there. When you needed my  advice on your relationship, I was there. I know that I haven't been the best person, nor the most exciting person to hang around, but I at least deserve an explanation. I tried to make things right, and since you won't even give me the light of day, I guess that means that you won't even give me that.
Have a nice life,
Natalie.

What I learned From TV Shows...

Today, the media dominates how we think and view the world. Well, I decided to make a little entry about what I have learned from television shows from today, and ones from like the eighties:

1. From the hit show Glee, I learned that sometimes, things that are on your mind, are best said in song, and it's best to leave them up to song. Also, from Glee, I learned that it's okay to be different, and it's okay to be a loser, because your true friends will actually still love you, and the ones that are not your true friends would not love you. Losers unite!
2. From the show Jersey Shore, I learned from Ronnie and Sammi on how not to act in a relationship. Also, GTL is mandatory.
3. From Home Improvement, I learned that if you don't know what to do, then you should probably let someone who knows what they are doing do it. That way, you will avoid the risk of hurting yourself, and then it will be done right. Also, I learned that nice guys like Al always finish last, so we women have to help them out at times.
4. From the show Golden Girls, I learned that a smart remark can get you places. I love you Sophia Petrillo!
5. My last show is Gilmore Girls. I learned that sometimes, it's okay to be a babbling idiot. It's okay to make decesions with your heart. Then, you know that they are meant to be. 

I had more of them, but I forgot about them, because I didn't write them down when I first thought of this entry idea. Anyways, sometimes, TV can teach you things.

The Teachers.

There are teachers that make the difference. There are teachers that go the extra mile for us, day in and day out. There are teachers who bring their heart and soul into their jobs, and their kids, the ones who that leave their class every day smiling.
In my homestate of Connecticut, the governor is thinking of passing a bill that basically says that they are basing teacher's salaries based on student's test performances.When I heard about that, I literally felt my jaw drop. Tests are nothing but simple numbers. Tests only show one part of you, not the complete picture, and by basing the salaries on that number is complete bull. Just think of the day that you took an important test. Chances are you were nervous, causing you to choke on it, and not performing as well as you could have. That still happens, sir. Times have changed, since you were a kid, but I believe nerves are something that remain timeless.
Like, sir Malloy, you are solely basing someone based on the quantity of something, not the quality. I think that a fine man like yourself would agree its the quality of something, not the quantity of something that matters. In the world of education, that statement matters more than anything.
My one of my English teachers is the type of lady that gives her heart and soul to her job. She devotes her life to her job, has food in her classroom for the students that either don't have any or can not afford any, she spends a lot of time making lessons that she thinks will give us insight, and basically gives her heart and soul to help one of us, even though the kids she teaches aren't exactly the ones that would get the highest scores on tests, the class is something that gets you thinking. If your bill comes to pass, then she will have to worry every year during the CAPT test if she will have a job.
I think sir, you really have to think of what you are doing before you do it. Think of the students who will lose their fine education. Think of the teachers who teach us the things that are not taught on the tests. Life is much more than a standardized test. Life is about the things you learn, how you learn them, what you do with them, and where they take you, not a black or white answer on a test.

Time To Make Amends.

Life is too short to make people hate you. Any minute can be your last, and we can say things that we wish that we hadn't, but at the same time, we don't say things that we want to say. Like with friends that we've had fights with, or people who we wish to tell our feelings to. We want them in our lives, but due to fear or nerves, we stay far away, fearing their reactions.
There is no time like the present. There is no time, like today to make a change, in your life, in someone else's life, anywhere, and to anyone. The most important thing, is that it's never too late to make someone feel better about themselves, or about the world around them.
So, today. Make a change. Make someone smile. Give a person with no food, food. Give a sad person a hug. Give someone a chance, when they've done wrong. There is no time like the present to make a change.
I don't know what inspired this. Maybe it's the nice weather. Like seriously, it's almost spring guys. The time is changing this weekend, and so it is time to change the lives of the masses, and yourself.
TAKE A RISK.
TAKE A CHANCE.
AND BREAKAWAY!

I'm Sorry./Live

I'm Sorry:
I'm sorry to all of those who I'm close too. Lately, this past week, I've been under a lot of stress, with home life, school life, and social life. I'm sorry that I'm being such a whiney bitch, because as most of you may know that I'm not. Thank you for hopefully understanding. I hope that everything can get back to normal for me, and that you don't think I'm a bitch. If you do, I'm sorry. And I don't mean to control you, nor do I mean to push you away. I'm just scared and I don't know what to do. And then, I end up hurting the ones that are so nice to me, so I feel really bad. And I don't mean to.
I just feel kind of like out of sync-with my friends with life, with everyone. I guess I'm stressed. Please forgive me?
Live:
I wonder about life. I wonder about the true meaning of it, how much that we can take, and how much we can give. I wonder why some are rich and some are poor. I wish that there was more time, and some way to know how the risks that you take turn out okay.
Maybe that's part of life. How you soar is how you actually live.

If I Could Write Down Everything I'm Feeling.

If I could write down everything that I'm feeling, then I would have a freaking novel on my hands. I could go into more and more detail, but then would be requiring me to open up to a bunch of strangers. So, what should I write my blog about?
WELL....
I like ponies.
Not really..
Okay, serious time.
There is one topic I'd like to bring to the table: relationships. Relationships, the romantic kind, anyways, should be a partnership. One person should not hold the strings, male or female. No one person should control the other, no matter what the age or status would be. I believe that a man should have the freedom to do the same thing as a woman. Hang out with members of the opposite sex? Why not? If they want to spend some time with their friends, let them. I don't think the relationship should soley revolve around each other. You need friends. You need space. That way, when you DO spend time with that someone it's more special.
I sometimes, as a single person for over two years, wonder  about relationships. What is healthy? What's not healthy?
I've come up with one conclusion: Even though, relationships are hard and wierd, it should be that you want to talk to them...not have.
Key words of wisdom here.

Living With Vasovagel

I have Vasovagel Syncopy. Basically, I faint over a certain stimulus. Mine is medically related, meaning that any stimulus that is related to the medical field, could or couldn't make me faint, for a period of time.
I often have gotten made fun of at school for having to leave classrooms, but I'm not a hypochondriac, nor am I making it up. I have a legit medical disease. SO GO LOOK IT UP, YOU STUPID JERKS. That's why they have Wikipedia for. It's not that hard to type a few simple words.
I often wonder if I will ever get over this. I often wonder if I will be able to have children, or even be able to have sexual intercourse, because they are listed as things as triggers, as well as others. It's not fair that I have to miss out on those kind of things, I really want some of them children. I want my own children, although I would adopt from China...
Wait!
I'm seventeen.
Why the hell am I thinking about children? Last time I checked, I was one.
Well, until July.
OKAYOKAY LET ME CONTUIE.
I wonder what my life would be like without passing out during classes. I wonder if I would have been a doctor and gone to Yale Medical School, (my dream as a child), instead of writing this very blog entry. I wish that I was given the chance to learn what life would be life to watch Grey's Anatomy, because the show looks like it could be entertaining. I wish that my mom wouldn't have to come with me at every doctor's appointment, and constantly ask me if I'm going to be okay.
I just want to be normal. 

Soooo....?

I've been thinking a lot lately about how society wants us to be, and how I actually want to be. I mean, the media bombards us with images of being thin, the media tells us that we have to be in a relationship to be happy, or else we are failures, how hooking up is this new thing of mating, and the media is hypocritical, by saying, if you don't get drunk, you are a loser, but if you get too drunk then you are a hypocrite.
NEWSFLASH:
I'm not thin.
I'm single.
I do not hook up.
I gave up on this whole drinking thing, because I value my body, and mind too much to poison it.

So, call me a loser.
And you know what? I'm perfectly content. I mean years from now, I don't want to look back at high school, and always think about the partying I did. I want to be taken seriously. I want to do something with my life. I want to write books, books that are about something that actually matters. I want to make a difference in this world, whether by donating blood, or by volunteering my time over spring break. I don't want to waste my time, because time is too valuable to be wasted. I want to be known as the girl who made a difference, not the girl who partied too hard last night and is too hungover.
And you know what? I think that I'm cool the way I am.
So fuck you all.

Hurting Me.

It hurts me to have someone this close to me. It hurts to have someone that understands me so perfectly. I never noticed how much it changed me, but I'm used to people walking out on me. I'm not used to having people who actually care about me to be there for me. So, when I do, it's this wierd feeling of security and I
And in a way, it's nice. But in some, it's scary. I never thought I could be close to anyone. I just get this thought that they are going to get up and leave me every once in a while. I text my friends, and realize that in less than four months, we won't even be going to the school anymore. We won't be sharing the same experiences, me college, them finishing high school, or their different schools. I wonder if they will even want me around or care to listen to my college probelms.
Sometimes, I lie in bed, and wonder if what's going to happen. (why do we lie in bed? Whatever happened to truth in bed? I thought George Washington never told a lie...well that was before the bed came along)
I'm sorry if I'm driving you nuts. In my eyes, I feel like I only limited until June, and then I'll lose all of the friends that are there. So excuse my text messages, and my emotional outburts, in my eyes, those are my worst fears.

Whatever Makes Me Happy.

Lately, I've been posting about sad, and heavy topics, so I figured I would take a break from all of that, because writing about sad things make me depressed. So I figured I'd write about what makes me happy. So I wrote a little list of things that make me smile:

1. Waking up to text messages from people that make me happy. Like seriously? Some people send me the best texts, and it like legit puts a smile on my face to read then. 
2. Cookies. Like seriously, if you don't love cookies, something is seriously wrong with you. 
3. Music. Music makes or breaks me. If I listen to a happy song, then I will be happy. Particularly music by Lady GaGa and All Time Low.
4. Cupcakes. Or just the frosting. 
5. My friends. Like, seriously. A life without my friends would make me sad. Like the people who read my blog, and I annoy on a daily basis. They be awesome. 
6. Flirting. Like seriously, even though I suck at it, its a fun time. And well, I should stop saying "like seriously."

I lost all interest in writing. And yay a text message! What makes you all happy? Chew on it. Give it some thought. 

Dear Ex Lover...

Dear Ex Lover,
I don't know what exactly to call you. I don't even know if you were a lover, all I know is that I loved you. I don't love you anymore, but yet you still cross my mind.
I've known you since the beginning of my high school career. Maybe even longer. I don't know what on earth made me so damn attracted to you, but if I knew the damage it would have done to my heart, mind and soul, I would have turned a blind eye.
I don't think that I truly loved you. I might have then, but if it was meant to last, if it was more than me doing the effort all of the time, then maybe, my views on relationships now wouldn't be so upsetting and confusing. I'm afraid to have a relationship now, due to ours. I don't want that kind of love on which that you need someone for happiness. I'm afraid to love because I'm afraid to became this person who needs her boyfriend to survive. I don't want to need anyone, which is why I am afraid to get attached to someone. I don't want to be attached. Losing you, was perhaps something I have had never expected, but yet I have come to term that things are not always what you expect.
Anyways, I have to thank you. Because of you, I realized that things aren't always going to happen to me the way that I planned. I met someone who I really think I could like. But you taught me to be more afraid, and now, with time, I do wonder how much more I'm going to be afraid, and how much more I have to limit him from my heart. I never wanted him to be away, I just wanted him to be mine. I just wish that I had the balls, those balls that you took from me, to tell him.
When I hear you're doing well, I smile. When I think of you, I wish you nothing but good luck and good fortune. I wish you nothing but the best, because we both deserve it.
Good bye, and good luck,
Natalie

But, Honestly, I Am Natalie

I often feel like I come off to people in different ways than I am. I often feel like I am more like a blonde then a brunette and that people look at me like I am just a girl who cares about herself and not about the world. It disgusts me how the way that the world is, with some people rich and some people so poor and living in violence and poverty. When I watched gangland for the first time I was both shocked and hurt that society turns this blind eye on these people. I do not like to cry in public, whether it may be in a funeral or at school. I cry alone where no one can see me or comfort me. I want someone to do that but I'm often afraid to let someone in because I often think, that silly voice in my head that whoever I let in, they will leave me to cry for myself. I wish that my life as was better, I wish that my father was around for things other than annoyance. I wish Sonny was still alive because I wish that he was able to see me graduate high school and college. But, fate took him an to this day, I find it hard to accept. I wish I got to know the people who lived across the street from me because they have lead fascinating lives and I wish I was able to get to know them an say goodbye when they walked this earth for the final time. I write these blog entries for my words to be out there, out of me, to touch every person who reads that. I would give anything for the people who I love but the people who hurt me or them I want to rip their heads off. I strive to remain a virgin until my wedding day, staying away from drinking because I don't want to poison my body and soul with things that can hurt me if I can control them.i am pressured by peers to do otherwise which kind of bothers me. I mean it's my choice to do or not to do things. The people who care about me the most, my little sister Angelyn, and my very close friend Griffin who I realize that I'm very lucky to have. They have taught me right from wrong, they are the ones that stay up with me all night when I'm sad and need a person to talk to. Honestly I wonder how much they can take of me annoying them as much as I do, because there are times when I'm sure they want to rip my head off. I have so much respect for them and I have so much gratitude to them. I often wonder what they see in me, and would like them to tell me what they perceive me as. I wish people could see me not as I am on the outside but as I am on the inside. You know what society? Fuck you.

To Say Good Bye.

Saying goodbye to someone only hurts when you know that you will never hear their hello again. In October, I said goodbye to one of the people who always made me smile, and I still, to this day, consider to be a fatherly figure. Now, I learn to say goodbye to someone else, someone who has also influenced my life, in ways that I never really thought of until today.
They say that you never know how much someone means to you, until they are gone. And I believe that. A year ago, I would have never thought that my life would be without my grandfather or my "auntie". I thought that they would live forever, and never get sick. A year later, unfortunately, they are no longer with us, but there is something that will always be with us. The memories, their crazy habits, and lives that they touched. Although, it may hurt to say goodbye, we realize that they are in a place that they are at peace. That they are at a place with no pain, and they are watching over us as we speak. They are there for you, but instead of being there in person, they are there for you in spirit. They are the ones that are there for you when you graduate high school, watch over you as you start college, and through out the ins and outs of your life.
Rest in peace Auntie Ellen, I will miss you more than you know. After all, you were the only one who could get away with calling me "Natlie".

You Better Not Misuse Your Woman.

Attention everyone, it's national domestic violance month. Domestic Violance is a growing probelm, around the world, sadly.
Personally, domestic violance makes me mad, because people seriously should respect each other to not to hit them. Like seriously. How would you like it, Mr. Big Strong Person who thinks that you are better than everyone else, came over to you, and started to bully you? People need to respect each other, no matter what age or sex you are. You oughta be grateful for what you have, whether its a friend, or a lover. Like seriously, hitting people, and yelling at them, is not the way to get your business done. Violance and hate are not the answer. Love is.
If you don't respect someone's opinion on something, whether it may be your boyfriend and girlfriend's, or just a passerby, don't be violant. Give peace a damn chance, because violance is what destroys everything, yet love is the strength that you need to rebuild it. People die, due to war. People get hurt. Shouldn't we a society view the probelms around us, and try to change them. Like you know how they say those with a violant past are doomed to repeat it? Well, as human beings, we have the right to change what are ancestors did, whether it may be hitting someone who we love, or just trying not to repeat the past.
We have the right to change how the world works, we have the right to help those in these helpless situations get out, just by listening. Call a friend, since we all have cell phones nowadays. Someone will listen to you. If you're on the opposite side of the door, then phone a friend. Everyone deserves a chance at happiness, even the ones that cause the destruction.
Basically, the point of this mumbo jumbo is respect one another, and things like this will eventually disappear. The key word is to listen.
Just listen.
Listen to this song: (it inspired me)
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABSXJiYQFuI&ob=av2e

Sunshine.

Sunshine is more than just a giant ball of light in the sky. It can be a person, place or thing, basically its a representation of hope. For me, sunshine is a feeble eighty year old man, who is always smiling back at me, who radiates happiness.
My grandfather was a primary figure in my life as I grew up. I always was close with my maternal grandparents, Sonny and Millie. I always thought it was normal for people's grandparents to live five minutes away, up until I was like five or six. My grandfather would be the one always out for a good time, living his life carefree, while my grandmother would be the one keeping house, and worrying about everything. He was once in the army, driving soldiers around instead of throwing greenades, and fifty years later he began to drive around a much different set of soldiers, my cousins and I. He would take us anywhere, whether it was out for Breakfast on a Sunday, or a fun day out on the beach.
As I got older, so did my grandfather. When I was twelve, my grandfather was diagnosed with dementia. As a seventh grader I didn't realize what that actually meant. However, as I got older, I then saw what it did to his wellbeing. He forgot who I was, or even how to eat.
The last two years of his life were spent in and out of nursing homes and hospitals. I would visit him every Sunday, and in a sense, it was bittersweet. Whenever I would see him, he would make me happy, because he was this cute and innocent old man who used to radiate happiness. However, it killed me to see him like that, so sick, and so frail.
 He died on a rainy Wenesday afternoon, after ten days without food or water.
In his life, he taught me many things. In his death, I know I try to live them. He taught me to never refuse money, to never buy a used car, because you're gaining someone else's headache, and if you want something done right, you best do it yourself. He taught me many other things, however, I just can't remember them.
Happy 85th birthday, Grandpa! We all miss you more and more everyday, and each and every one of us think of you, and the good memories that you've left behind.

What the Hell?

I've been getting to thinking about something, especially after talking to and old and blunt friend. We were talking about drinking, and how he thinks that drunk people are not very attractive.
So, then I got to thinking. About drinking. About the way that my teenage peers are. For the past few days, I've heard and overheard various parts of the conversations that my fellow teenage friends and peers. Most of them were about sex and drinking.
Then I began to think about what happened to the teenagers. Yes, drinking is illegal, but then again, I think the prospect of underage drinking is the fact that its illegal, which only makes the apple more appealing then something that isn't illegal. If alcohol wasn't illegal, then maybe, just maybe less people would find the appeal of it. Or, at least the kids would do it. Society has made us view alcohol has a thing that can take away our troubles. But, as little sister Charlotte says "Drinking doesn't make your probelms go away. When you're sober, then they will just come back. And then you'll feel like shit, because you're drunk."
I also feel like sex has become oboslete in modern day society. One night stands, hookers, and teen pregnancies make me think that society, and the people don't think as sex as what it was meant to be: a gift. If you give that gift to more than one person, then the gift will become less special. Yes, you can be young and in love. But, also be sure it's love, not lust.
I don't drink. I have a couple of times, just to say I have. I felt lousy afterwards. I vow to never do it again, because it tastes lousy, and it makes me drowsy. Its unhealthy for my liver, in addition to makes me act abnormal. As for the boy department, I have yet to experience my first kiss. I'm not rushing to have it, I want it to be special and with someone that I really like.
I want to do things the right way. No drinking, and having a relationship with someone that I feel is a decent person. I want to do things sober, so that way, I don't do things that I would later regret. And, if that makes me uncool, then call me a dork damn it.

The Importance of the Arts.

Everyone says that it's important for one to get a good education in the field of math and science, because the world can not get enough doctors, and inventors. But, since I'm mathamatically challenged, I don't think that's an option for me.
I believe that art is even more important than the sciences. I'm not saying that science is something that isn't important, because science is everything. However, art is how we enrich ourselves. It is the culture that we surround ourselves. The books that we read. Art is the gray, whereas science is the black in white.
I believe that I am an artist. I like to think that my blog is some kind of art, it's creative, and it'something that I put myself into, both my heart, and my soul.
I think schools should devote more time to the arts than the scientists. Not everyone can be Einsten. We need Shakespeares in this world too. We need the discoverers, but we also need people to write about them. Writing is something that too, deserves the attention of students young and old. We should learn about the writers that are great that were around before we were born, so we can enrich our own lives with their work. Great literature can truly touch you, and makes a difference in your life. It's something that warms your heart, and makes everything better.
At the end of the day, we need both. But, the arts are truly as important as the science class that we have to take as well. Chew on it.

I'm Proud.

Picture it: It's in the early 1900s. A young boy, about nine or ten boards a boat, with ten cents in his shoe. He sleeps in the bottom of the ship, with the rats. For three weeks, he lived that life, until docking in New York. He lives with his aunt or someone and begins to work hard, eventually making enough money to make a name for himself.

That man is my great grandfather, and that's his story about how he came from America from Palermo, Italy in the Victorian age. This man worked hard, basically from nothing to something, kind of like Cinderella, without the shoes. I aspire to be like him, because he's an interesting person to look up to. Even though I don't actually know him personally, because he died before I was born...
I'm an Italian American, and I'm proud. I am a strong woman, who speaks her mind, and wants to be heard. I'm short, and small, but at the same time, I make up for it with my voice.
People have different tastes on what Italian Americans are. No, I'm not a guido, and rarely get drunk or go out and party. No, I do not, to my knowledge, know anyone in the mob. I'm just a ginny, who enjoys the tradition, and proud of their ancestors.

Life's Too Short/Karma

Life's Too Short:
Life's too short for us to wonder about the small things. Today, I had recieved news that a classmate of mine had passed away. I would like to take a moment to say that he's in my prayers, and that I will remember the two English classes that I had with him always.
I next would like to take a moment to say thanks to all of my readers. I got to thinking about life today, and I never realized how much we take for granted.
I would like to thank all of my close friends who have had to deal with me during the past five months, who have held me when I needed someone to hold, listened to me when I needed someone to listen to me, and loved me when I needed love. Thank you all for keeping me sane, because I had never felt like I was alone.
I would also like to shout out two special people. One's like a little sister to me, the other is the person who I know I can come to him for anything. I met both of you a year and a half ago, and both of you have done so much for me, and I know that I drive both of you nuts. I'm always there for both of you, and I'm grateful for having you guys always by my side. You mean a lot to me, and without you both, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be the person I am today. Thank you for being there. You both know who you are, and thank you both.
Karma:
I believe in Karma. What you put out is what you get. If you intend to hurt, then you will hurt. I know what you're doing, bitch. So come at me, and I know that you will get what is coming to you.

I Wonder

I often wonder about fear. I'm scared about many things, mostly memories fading, and other things, like growing older, and losing all of my friends.
Have you ever realized that someone was right about something, no matter what their motives may be, and that although you don't want to admit it, they were right. Then, we are faced with a scary truth about ourselves, and that we have two options: run away, or face them. I go with the second one, but its scary and I guess things that scare me should be challenges, not giant rocks in my face telling me bitch you can't do this. Because bitch, I can. I can do anything, anything I want.
I guess with every cloud, is a silver lining. Every rose has its thorn.
 Maybe I'm back to writing these.

AND HEY PEOPLE WHO READ THIS AND HAVE CONTACTS! I have a question...so try to contact me as soon as you can!

Screaming.

I'm not saying that I'm back to writing these things, just yet. As much as I would like to say that I'm back to writing this full time, I'm not. I just needed to write down all of my feelings down somewhere, somehow. So, since this is my blog, I want to write down how I feel.
I'm screaming. So damn loud. But no one hears me. Or cares to hear me. They just go on with their day expecting me to get over it. But maybe I can't. I can only do so much before I snap, and I don't want to do snap. I feel like I cry and no one hears nor wants to hear. I feel like everyone who I text is basically counting down the minutes until I shut up. No one ever texts me to see how I'm doing, and I wish that more people actually took time out of their day, to make sure that I'm alright. Because, I'm not. I'm not alright. I fight so hard not to cry every five minutes. I feel like I'm being ignored when I want someone to hear me. My mom doesn't notice that when I'm crabby, and when I try to open up to her, she just laughs in my face. She'd rather say the words I hate then I love. I don't get why, because it's starting to hurt. It just hurts damn it. Everything and everyone hurts. I just want someone to help me get up, because bitch, I'm done trying to pick myself up. I keep on falling on my ass.
Apparently, these are teenage girl problems. What does one do?

I'm Sorry.

Dear People Who Read My Blog,
Thank you for your support over the past year. I'm aware that I have not posted in a little while, and that I promised you all that I would return tomarrow. I wanted to let you all know that I am not yet ready to return to writing my blog. I still have a lot to deal with, in addition to a lot on my plate, and I don't feel ready to write again. I will try to get back to writing as soon as humanly possible, and I thank you all for your patience.

Natalie

I'm On Hiatus.

Have you ever felt like you have too much on your plate? Like you can't handle everything that is being thrown at you, and you realize that something has to go.
It brings me great sorrow to have to say this to all of my friends, and readers, but for a while, I'm going on hiatus. I will be back soon, but I need a break. I need to cut down on my stress, and as much as I don't want to have to do this, I realize that I have to cut something out of my life, and this is one. I mean you can't cut school out, right?
I will hopefully be back after one week. I don't think I can stay away from here for too long, because I enjoy writing my blogs, as much as you hopefully like to read them. I hopefully will have some new topics, in addition to the same "insight" I have always had.
I wanted to let you readers know how much I appericate you clicking my urls, whether I send it on your tumblr, twitter or facebook, or through an email. I'm grateful that you all listen or read my words, the words that I have written. I hope that when I come back to writing you all will still be there for me to read my crazy blog entries day after day, year after year.
Please, don't hesitate to give me ideas for future blog entries. I do listen, Seattle. I do need inspiration. I do want to know what you all think about whatever I've been writing, and what I can write about in the future.

And for now, goodbye, and good luck.

Best Friends Forever

Whose the person that's always there for you when you're down? Whose the person that got your back when boys make you crazy? Whose the one person that is always there for you, when you are down? They are the ones who let you eat chocolate in insane amounts, and won't judge you or call you a fatass. Or they would, but they wouldn't really give a shit. When you're having a bad day she would be there, on the phone, or with tissues in hand, always there to hear you cry. She's the first person to 'like' your new facebook picture, and the first to notice any major or non major changes. And when you are happy, they are happy for you, the first to jump and down with you.
And take that and vice versa it.
That person who I'm talking about is my best female friend, Charlotte. She is an amazingly awesome person, who is always there for me, for the good times, and the bad. When I feel like crap, she's my go to person. When I feel like shouting from the rooftops about something, she's the first person to know...I usually tell her things more often then I tweet. That's love my friend. She's the person who I would go to Panera and eat a bread bowl, and just chat. She's my partner in crime.
Charlotte, you're awesome, don't change, and I love you! You're my very best friend, my little sister that I never had, and I felt like dedicating an entry to you.

They Should Put Warning Labels on Sad Movies.

Okay, so this morning, there was nothing good on TV. So, I flipped on the Notebook, because it was on, and I thought it was a good movie, and there wasn't anything good on TV. I loved it...for the first hour and a half, until I saw one of the near ending scenes, where Allie realizes that the story was about her and Noah, and then she has that angry forgetfullness thing. I mean I know that out of all of the things I could have picked to cry about while watching that movie, that would have been the one that that would bother me. It gave me flashbacks of memories in the not so distant past of my grandfather. When he used to be angry, and have outbursts whenever his wife would leave or something like that, well I kinda miss him. I know that he is in a better place, but sometimes, no, all of the time, Sundays especially. Sundays were always spent with my grandfather, and now that he's gone, on Sundays I feel it the most.
Stupid movie.
I wonder about grief. I wonder about how long you're supposed to feel sad about them. I wonder if things will get better, and if and when they do. I wish that there would be a warning label on sad movies, so that when you're sad, then you would want to watch a happier movie. Oh wait, that would be bad, because the sad people won't buy it, and it would bring down the business.
Oh, when will Sunday end?

Snow Days.

Hey it's snowing! And midterms are like Monday. So, that must mean that I'm going to sit at home, and going to actually, well you know pay attention to my homework.
Nah...
Don't get me wrong, studying is cool. I just lack the motivation to sit down, and you know put away all of my distractions and you know get shit done. Well, I'm too lazy. And I get distracted easily.
A lot of my friends *ahem* seem to think I lack "morals" or "motivation". Well, that I do, but mainly because I don't like to stress out over things, and I believe that you shouldn't stress out over the little things, like getting to class on time, because it will be there....I hope.
Okay, I realize that all of that seriously makes me sound like a slacker. But I'm not. I actually do get decent grades. But my point of all of this is that life is too short to worry about the small things, and to be stressed. We have bigger and better things to worry about. I worry about paying for college, and getting a job, not whether of not I'm on time for my first period class. I mean I would care, but I feel like I can care more about the bigger things, not the smaller things.
Sorry this is not a rant. This is the product of coffee, and a hyper Natalie.

Wasting Light.

I just finished downloading Wasting Light by the ever so amazing Foo Fighters. And, well, I am impressed. They seriously make a damned good record. Like seriously, bro. Go out, and listen to it. Each song gets better then the one before it.
Anyways, I figured I'd write about music, since, well I love music. Today, I'm into the Bangles, and Blondie, and interestingly enough the Rolling Stones. And of course the Foo Fighters. Right now, I happen to be jamming to "Walk Like an Egyptian" by the Bangles. The eighties was such an amazing time period. Music, in my opinion, has gone downhill since then, except for JoJo, Demi Lovato and Lady GaGa.
Seriously guys, take the time to go and youtube some of the songs I'm listing. It's good stuff.

My amazingly awesome music Recommendations of the week:

1. "Walk Like an Egyptain"-The Bangles
2. "Hanging on the Telephone"-Blondie
3. "Paint It Black"-The Rolling Stones
4. "Forever Young"-Rod Stewart
5. "Material Girl"-Madonna
6. "Holiday"-Madonna
7. "Marry the Night"-Lady GaGa

Stop Sopa/Pipa

I heard on the news last night that Congress is thinking of passing a bill called SOPA, which basically is censoring the internet. And, being a blogger, the internet is important to me, because that's how my work is being published. That's how people will read my work, and how my writing would get spread around, and of course I have a say on it.
Congress, we have the freedom of speech, the right to bear arms, and the right to worship whatever religon we chose. We have freedom to walk around the streets without constant fear, and we have the right to vote for whoever we chose is fit to be a canidate to run our country. So, why can't the internet be free too?
Before you vote on this bill Congress think of what you are doing. Think of the twenties, when you banned drinking. It didn't do much, other than make people have to hide their drinking in secert. Imagine if you did this to the internet.
If you chose this bill, then you are not thinking about what it will do to your lives. You say that we need to help boost test scores, but without the internet, our students can not research and access information that they need to succeed in life. 
As a blogger, this could affect what I write, and I would have to be censored. I don't want this to happen, because all of my thoughts are completly and utterly my own, and I don't want to have to alter them, nor do I want to have to risk not being able to getting my point accross, because writing my blog helps my words get heard from accross the world.
We have the right to view whatever we need to see on the internet. Do not make this choice for us, and don't take away our right to choose.

Listen Here, Folks.

Okay, so lately I've found myself to be faced to explain myself, at school, or in my life. I don't wish to have to explain my emotions; I just want to feel them, and not have to explain myself, or what I'm feeling. But I will say this.
I am not a violant person. I don't believe in hitting people, and I don't like to be mean to people. I don't want to ever hurt anyone, not even a fly. If you mess with me, I will be upset, and probably don't do anything. If you mess with my friends then we have a probelm, and if you mess with my family, you better run. I don't mean to sound bitchy nor do I mean to sound like I am a bitch. If you chose to stay away from me, then I will do you no harm, and we can go on with our lives. We can be human, and do human things. I've tried to be the bigger person, and I will ignore you, because I don't want to deal with drama, and I have better fish to fry then you. Therefore, I will not fight you, I will just restrain the urge to. And when there's a will and there's a way, bitch. So please, stop.
I also wanted to say that I'm sorry for the people who I've bothered over the past few months. I don't mean to bother you, it's just that I want someone to talk to. I want someone to hear me, and I'm sorry that I'm such an annoying person, that you don't want to hear it anymore. I realize though how grateful I am for you to listen to me, and that you guys mean the world to me.
Thank you for everything.

When to Walk, and When to Run.

I feel sick to my stomach. Like upset kind of sick. Like sick to my stomach, crying my eyes out kind of sick. Like I don't even think I can write about this. I'm falling apart, and I need someone to pull me back together.

And now that I think about it, I don't want to write anymore.

Girl Talk vs. Guy Talk.

Lately, I've noticed something about the world around me, how teenagers communicate with their fellow peers. I interviewed a few of my friends, some straight, and some gay, and discovered what is the difference between girl talk vs. guy talk.
Girls tend to always talk about their love lives, like boys, or gossip. When I interviewed some of my girlfriends, they all said either boys, or some sort of gossip, whether it's related to friends, or the people that we barely know like the popular girl or a celeb. If something happens with a guy, like they actually know that they are on the same planet, then they squeal to their best friend, giving them the play by play of what was going on, over and over again.
I'm not too familiar with guy talk, mainly because of the fact that I'm not a guy. I over heard some guys talking about video games. My guy friends talk about cartoons, and politics. But I wonder how this all relate to the whole girl getting process.
Do guys talk about girls the way girls talk about guys? I mean I heard that girls were from Venus, and guys were from Mars. So is there some kind of difference between boys and girls?

Twenty Facts About Me.

So I'm still waiting on this data of mine. I guess maybe I should post the question on here, because I don't have enough of it to make significant judgements.
So Interneters: I have a challenge for you. Answer this question by posting it as a comment below this blog entry. Anyways, the poll is: Say whether you are male and female, and then state what do you talk about with your friends of the same sex?
Please comment with that! I need the data, and eventually, it will all make sense. Or if I email this to you, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ANSWER.
Now for today's entry. I really don't have much to write about, mainly because I haven't been able to do much. So, coinsiding with yesterday's entry, I'm posting twenty facts about myself, that I bet that you didn't know. I'm not consided. Just in need of data.

1. I act like Lorelai Gilmore. Meaning I talk fast, make pop references, and eat so much junk food.
2. I own every season of Gilmore Girls on DVD.
3. I can't spell, like at all. I use spell check way more than I should. It's kind of bad because I'm going to be a writer. 
4. I always wanted to be a singer. That lasted for a whole two seconds. 
5. I have every issue of 17 magazine ever since June 2007.
6. My favorite singer is Lady GaGa.
7. My favorite albums of all time are Titanic, and Born This Way. 
8. I have Titanic. On VHS. The cover kinda died so now they just chill. 
9. I own almost 20 stuffed snoopys. I also own 3 snoopy mugs, a bunch of ornaments, pens, pencils, watch, you name it. Basically, I have a Snoopy obsession. 
10. I prefer glasses over contacts.
11. I hate winter. 
12. Sophia Petrillo and Frank Barone are my TV grandparents.
13. I hate the color green, but don't have a legit reason why. I'm just prejudiced on the color. 
14. I like vanilla cupcakes, with vanilla frosting. I hate chocolate cupcakes. I just can't stand them.
15. I hate coffee or tea. 
16. I love the 80s. 
17. My three favorite pop singers are Madonna, Lady GaGa, and Christina Aguilera.
18. I'm severely afraid of heights. 
19. I'm afraid of repeating the past. I don't know why, I just am. 
20. I want to fall in love one day...

Well folks, there ya have it. So PLEASE. Give me some data for my poll!

An Interview

I always wanted to interview someone. And I always wanted to be interviewed because I like talking. So, readers, I'm going to interview myself, mainly because I need some data before writing the other blog that I had in mind. I'm not self absorbed or anything, I swear.

Do you believe in love?
Yes, I believe in love. I believe that there are so many different kinds of love out there, and it's a term that is used way too much nowadays. Hate has that same effect on people. People often are quick to say I love you or I hate you, without realizing the true meaning of the word. There are so many different kinds of love out there, like there's the love of a certain item or television show, then there's love of a family, and then there's a love between a man and a woman.
Are you in love? 
I honestly don't want to say. I stopped posting things about my personal life a while ago.
What do you want readers or people to know about you or your blog?
I want readers to realize that my blog is purely a release for me, meaning that I don't want them to think that I do it for attention. I write because I have something to say, and I say what's on my mind. I also write in a public form like in this way, so people can read my stuff, and yeah. I don't do it so that people can feel sorry for me or anything like that. I want to get people thinking, and I hope that .
Who are some people that have inspire you? 
A bunch of people inspire me. My best friend does, because she's a really cool person. Sophia Petrillo inspires me because she's one old lady who doesn't take crap from anyone. I want to be like her when I'm an old lady. Then Demi Lovato inspires me because she's a strong woman. I only hope to be a strong person such as her. Of course, Jackie Kennedy inspires me because she's a classy woman.
What are your most prized pocessions? 
I have three: my two pandora bracelets, and my grandfather's cross. I never take them off.
What are you most afraid of?
I'm afraid of rejection. I put my heart in everything, and rejection's like destroying a dream. That's why I don't take as many chances as I could, because I'm afraid of losing, or striking out. 
Who are your role models?
My mom, and my grandfather. They taught me to be strong, and to never refuse money.
What's the most important thing that you can give? 
The most important thing that I can give to someone is my heart. Some people disagree and say it's your virginity, but you have to give someone your heart, before you can give them your body. I'm old fashioned because I don't want to give myself away to just anyone. If I give you my heart, than you did something right, and don't screw up.
What influences you? 
Pop culture. I often quote movies, and TV shows like it's my job. May the force be with you son.

What are your plans for the future?
I plan to get married, and have kids. I want to write, like actual books, and in magazines. I want to make a name for myself, while doing something I love.

I'm SO Bored.

I'm bored, and I'm tired of stupid people ignoring my text messages. Stupid people. Stop ignoring me. I want to talk to someone, and no one is answering their phone, or caring about me. I hate people who don't care about me. Like seriously, if you hate me tell me because I am tired of being alone, and I don't want to watch another episode of Gilmore Girls, and I want a hug. I hate being sick. I hate having nothing to do with my life. I want someone to talk to. I really feel lonely. And I want someone to talk to. I'm tired of people ignoring me, and liking other people and me being jealous. I just want to be loved, and no one loves me enough to text me to make sure I'm okay. What if I died? Like seriously people.
This lame topic defiantly wasn't going to be my blog entry for the day. But then I haven't blogged in the past few days. SO I'm going to not write about it, and save it for tomarrow.
And yes, I'm talking bad about people. But I'm tired of being ignored.

Inspiration

Lately, as some of you who know me personally know that I have been having a hard time with things, such as stress. I thank all of you who have had to deal with me over the past few months, having to comfort me while I cried and screamed at you, and all of that stuff.
Then I realized something. I realized that I can't keep on living this way. I can't keep on living like I hate myself, and then I'm depressed all of the time.
I had read 17 magazine today. And guess who was on the cover of it? Demi Lovato, after her rehab. After reading her article, I realized that it was okay to ask for help. I realized that it was okay to get therapy, and that it's okay to have others come and pick you up. It's okay to fall, because once we get help, you can get better. I want to be like Demi, because in the article, she's happy with herself, and with others. I want to get that happy. I want to no longer feel like I'm unhappy with myself, I don't want to be touched by greif. My heart has been broken for too long, and I wanted to fix it.
It's scary to admit it, but I need help. And I have the support of my friends, and maybe my family to back me up. That's all I need.
And when I get better bitch, I'm coming back swinging. Take that!

My Playlist:
Skyscraper: Demi Lovato
Marry the Night: Lady Gaga
What doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger: Kelly Clarkson

I Have No Title

I really don't have a title for this, other than I have to get this done quickly, cause I have a million other things to do. That's how dedicated I am to this blog:
Anyways I wanted to write a lame little poem mainly cause I'm in a poetic mood, and mainly cause I hate the world, and I'm in a sad mood.

I guess there are cracks in every mirror,
Some large, some so tiny that they aren't even there.
If you look closer they become clearer,

What is mine, you may ask?
There is the redheaded monster with the cold eyes,
Breaking my heart, because I thought we could last,
The memories of him I often despise,
He still haunts me from time to time, scaring me for life.

In the next crack, I see myself,
Thin, and beatiful.
I used to be thin, memories of that on a shelf.
The taste of not eating always tasted dull.

In the final crack, I see the old man,
Sad eyes, sad expression,
Losing him I thought I never can.
I love him, I never can mention.

But what cleans the dirt in the mirror,
It's healed by the ones who love me,
the boy with the green back pack, the girl with the curly hair,
make everyday more bareable,
when I cry due to the past,
when I cry due to the present,
I know that they are there,
To hold me, to guide me, and to comfort me.

The cracks in the mirror,
Maybe one day will be gone.

Help, I need Somebody.

Today, I woke up, all sad and depressed. So I decided since I needed to vent about it, and since no one would answer my "hey I need to talk to you" texts, I decided to write some of the things that are bothering me.
I miss my grandfather. Like a lot. Every day, for me, it gets harder and harder. I miss going to the convalescent home every Sunday after dinner, watching him become a human string bean, watching him basically die. Those images of him not being able to eat, especially those last ten days, make me cry. I miss him perhaps way more than I should. I miss the days before the name dementia was in our vocabulary, when he was healthy and happy, and fighting my grandmother whenever it was dinner time. I miss all of those memories.
I am always at ends with my dad, and I was always wondering why. He's nothing but a stranger who I look like, barely. I don't remember ever getting along with him, I don't remember him ever being in my life, so if he was in it now, it doesn't feel permant. Like it's written in permant marker.
School is also stressful because of college applications and AP work. There are things that I don't want to do, but yet I am forced to do. I got into college isn't that good enough for you people? Stop pressuring me and let me eat my chocolate..
Help. I need someone. I need someone to talk to me, to understand me, to tell me that I'm pretty. I want a thousand hershey kisses and of course I want a hug. And someone to listen.

Darth Vador.

It's offical. Darth Vador is one of my favorite movie characters, mainly because he is an icon. He has an amazing costume, has lost both his wife and children, and of course, he lost most of his natural body, being more machine then man.
He wasn't always bad, he just grew to be that way. Which leads me to the arguement of whether people are born bad, or just left to fester to be bad. No, Anakin Skywalker wasn't born bad. He was turned bad, and after losing his wife, the lovely Padame, he then turned evil, even changing his name to Vadar. But I can't help but feel bad for him because after losing the love of his life, I can't help but feel bad for him. Poor Vadar. Maybe we should all be sympathetic and think of his poor Padame next time we tune into Star Wars. Or not, because he fell into the wrong crowd.
That, and I named my new phone after him. He's a cool guy.

The 90s.

I have fallen in love with the 90s people. Between Nirvana, and the amazing sitcoms that lasted forever. Like seriously, the show Friends have been on for about ten years. Fraiser, Sex and the City, Raymond, amoungst others are some that makes the list. Then we have things like the Foo Fighters, Celine Dion, and of course all of them one hit wonders that you see now on VH1. Then there's Titanic, Mrs. Doubtfire, and Beauty and the Beast.
The 90s was the decade that I was born. It was the era of punk, and the era of amazing cartoons. My favorite thing from the 90s other than the Foo Fighters, is the sitcoms. To me, reality television doesn't have that same comical balance, as let's say Frank and Marie Barone. The characters make us laugh, and make us want to tune into them each and every week, for over a decade, making them modern day classics. Even though they are well of the air, we still tune into reruns to watch Carrie stumble into romances, watch the Barones argue with each other and become even closer as a family, hear Fraiser make his radio shows, and laugh along with best friends Will and Grace.
Rest in peace 90s. You have created some amazing stuff right there.

Wah.

I have nothing to write about today internet. I'm in a really bad mood, and I'm crabby and I feel bad about myself. I sometimes wonder about whether or not I am pretty enough, skinny enough, and all of that. I don't know why, but sometimes I wonder that. I guess that's what self esteem issues do to you.
But then there are people who make me feel better and assure me when I'm down, and feel like that. Thank you people. I promise I'll get better sooner or later. But deal with me, because I don't actually mean it, and I just want someone to tell me that I'm beautiful, smart, and actually mean a great deal to them. I mean I don't know. Isn't that what we all want?

Look Before You Leap

I do that. You know look before you leap. Look before you take that risk, because hell you're afraid of getting torn to shreds. I guess maybe the thing is timing, when you think something is meant to be it really isn't and then you look like an idiot. I hate looking like an idiot. Like seriously, it's annoying and embarssing (I don't know how that. Oh well)
I think there's a time to look. Then there's the times that we just have to fucking leap and hope that it's the time. Stop pushing people out and JUST FREAKING DO IT. Tell the person how much they might mean to you...because they might not be there for you.
Okay, this blog entry is brought to you by watching the end of season six of Gilmore Girls.

You Never Know What You Have Until...

Ever have something great, and then it's gone? Like spending time with someone that actually listens to you, entertains you, makes everything better when your sad, and is someone who treats you really nice, versus someone that treats you like you're an object versus a thing. That's not fair.
I guess when you realize things, things like this, it's too late to go back and fix them. You can only go foreward, there is no rewind button on the vcr of life. There's no pause. There's only the play button. And if you ask me, it's pretty fucked up that you can't rewind.
I miss my junior year of high school a lot for many reasons. I mean, senior year is okay, I mean I got into college, and I guess that's cool. I just miss my old band class, and my old lunch wave. I miss seeing my friends more, mainly because they are amazing people, and that they always treated me nice. Except for when they are busy and tell me to go away. I don't like that very much. I miss my friends who have graduated, and are away at college. I miss my first period US History class, where Jenni and I would gossip about pretty much everyone and everything. I miss the random emails that I used to write Charlotte everyday, because I hated typing with a passion, and never actually did my work. I miss my seventh period off period, spent with someone who ALWAYS listened to me, or ladder spend with two obnoxious boys...(okay fine, the one with the big nose is actually pretty cool.)
Next year, I'm going to be away from those people. I'm going to miss spending the mornings walking around with my friends. I'm going to miss playing the flute every single day. I'm going to miss walking into my friend's third period class.
I guess you never know what you have until it's gone.

Out with the Old, Into the New.

So 2011 ended.
Yay. New year. I graduate this year. Yay.
Okay, let's make this blog post a tad bit more happier.
I guess 2011 was okay. It had it's ups and downs. Like my grandfather dying? That's a down. My father and I not talking? That's a down. Fainting issues, and a bunch of other blows to my health. Yeah, that's a down to.But the ups somehow managed to beat the downs. Like meeting my curly haired gleek of a best friend? That's an up. Annoying the crap out of some people, especially someone with a big nose, and jewfro? That's always an entertaining up. Walking around, with no place to go with my other friend? Yeah, that's an up too. Homecoming? That's an up too, until I got sick. But yay, someone took care of me, so that's always a good thing. However the best part of 2011, was that no matter how much things sucked, I always had a shoulder to cry on. THANK YOU SHOULDER (s) TO CRY ON!
But like the stock market, every year has it's ups and downs. No year can be completly good, nor can a year completly suck. Let's rock 2012, through the good and the bad, and yeah. Don't drink so much, because then you'll get a hangover and do things you'll regret.




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