Waiting...

Ever do something that you never thought you can do, like ask someone out, then they don't answer you're email or text? And you wait days and days on end, for someone to answer your email. A bunch of things cross your mind. Like, maybe they won't answer at all? Or would they get mad for what you were thinking, or what you decided to say.
So I sit here, waiting for Luke Danes to answer my email. A friend mentioned he may never actually reply to the message, so of course now I panic, and call Big. Well text, but same thing. He said that I did the right thing, and that I shouldn't worry.
So why do I worry about it?
Why do I give a shit, when I thought I wasn't going to do that anymore. Luke Danes, you are so confusing. Maybe that's why I gave you that name.
I wait for you to email back.
But what if that email never comes? What if you never answer my question? What if you leave me hanging, like a loose tooth hanging by that one bit of your gum? (Okay, that was a gross example, but you all get the picture, I hope)
The sterotypical teenage boys and feelings is like Lil Wayne and Conor Oberst getting together to do it. Or Justin Beiber and Oberst doing a duet- it's a crime against nature. Like chocolate and cheese. It's just...no I'm not even going to go there.
The curiousity and the suspense is killing me. I just want to know.
But then, patience is a virtue. So I shall sit here, listening to some All Time Low and talking to Charlotte for company. And when you finally reply, I will let you wait.
Power to being a powerful woman.

Jumping

I never thought I could get the nerve to do it. But I did.
I managed to ask Luke about his feelings for me. Why he acts so odd around me.
And now, I wait. I wait for his response, whether good or bad. I wait for the reasons why something is going to happen, and surprised at the nerve I had to simply just ask.
I feel a sense of me accomplishing my fear of opening myself up. No matter what he says, I know that I finally was able to say what the hell his deal was. What the hell was up with everything that you say and do? How quiet you are when I'm around. It doesn't make sense, how you just sit there quietly whenever I'm involved or anything.
Maybe you'll never even answer my email.
Maybe, I guess I should just be proud of myself for actually getting the balls and the nerve to say what I was trying to say for the longest time to Big. Nine months of waiting for Big to say it first, and then I walked, because I realized how stupid I was being. I realized how stupid waiting for someone that will never come to me is.
Awww well. At least I got the balls to ask him.
Maybe he likes me. Maybe he doesn't. At least know I know.
I think I have summer crush syndrome, when you do things you won't do any other time. You feel like you're doing the things, jumping the edge of glory.
Maybe that's why summer crush syndrome isn't available year round.

I Don't Care What You/Anyone Thinks.

I'm tired of fear. I'm tired of being afriad of doing something just because I'm afraid of being out of my comfort zone.  I'm tired of any man controlling me. I'm tired of wondering how one feels about me, instead of just asking him. If he doesn't return the feelings, then damn it, it's not meant to be. I don't want to deal with the craziness and the rules of someone else's game. I'm done with all that crap of someone telling me what to do, someone telling me how to feel. Life is about the risks you take, not sitting and wallowing about the past mistakes that I have made, because they are already made, and I can't go back and undo them. I can only go foreward, and only press play.
I'm tired of playing the music that someone else thinks I should play, just because they don't like the way I play it. I'm tired being told no, or being too afraid to do something, just because I'm too afraid of getting hurt. I am going to get hurt again, no matter what. By protecting myself from getting hurt, it's just not that healthy. I want to look back and live my life and be able to say "I went sky diving," or "I wasn't afraid to talk to the dude first" to my grandchildren.
This is my declaration of independance.
This is me saying if you have a probelm with me, then fuck you.
This is me saying, I'm taking new risks, doing things I never thought I could do.
This is me saying Luke Danes, I will get to the bottom of how you really feel. If you return the interest, cool. If you don't then there is more people out there.
It's time for me to say hello to living on the edge, and goodbye to fear. Time to live life to the fullest, and not care about anything or anybody.
Here I go.

The Silences Are Getting to Me.

Luke. You are so awkward. Like really awkward. Like you can cut the awkwardness with a knife, that's how thick it is between you and me.
I often wonder how you really feel about me. At first, you called me a whore, and pushed me around and put your feet on me, making you a nuisance. Of course, even then I knew that you liked me, because of the whole Kindergarten Crush Principal. Now, you're all quiet, looking at me shyly, and don't say pretty much anything to me. I don't get it at all. Like seriously. I thought math was confusing, but hell was I wrong about it.
Luke, I want to know what your deal is. I want to know why you are the way that you are. I want to know if you return the same amount of feeling that I have for you, because you know that I really like you, and I am dying to know if I like you too.
Luke, something about time is bothering me. I am tired of all of the games that guys play. Just admit whether you have feelings for me, and if you don't that's fine too. Just let me know, because I don't want to get involved to the point where I could get hurt. Or look like a fool. Those things scare me the most because I don't want to end up all sad and lonely. I don't play games, Mr. Danes. So, don't play me like a checkerboard, just be straight.

Keep It In Your Pants.

Okay, there are some creepy dudes out there. Some are older and creepy. Some are your age, and just want a blow job. And others are just plain old creepy.
Very recently, a friend of mine was dating this dude. For privacy's sake, we shall call her Sookie. She was dating this dude, that we will call Bob. Bob and Sookie went out for one day.In that span of that one day, she said that he told her that he loved her. And really only wanted to be with her for the rest of his life. So, she tried to do that whole "it's not you, it's me" kind of thing, he started to cling onto her. And she, needless to say, was scared. ( I would be too.)
The creepy dudes come in all shapes and sizes. There are that sketchy kid in the corner, the one with the beard, and then there's the kid smoking pot in the street. They all are out there, looking and preying on girls to suck into.
I remember once falling into a creepy dude's trap. I won't give him an alias, because I don't mention it. He asked me out within seconds of getting my number. The next day, he was trying to hold me as if we were going out for a while. It scared me, and I wanted to run as far as I could, crawl back into my bed, and wish that I didn't do what I did. He texted me nonstop, and asked the wierdest questions. So, after careful consideration (I asked my friend Miranda and Sookie), I texted him and we broke up.
My advice to Sookie, is to run if he tries to talk to you. Ignore him, and he will go away, soon hopefully. Take it from your older sister. He will go away.

AWKWARD.

So, ever had them awkward silences with someone that you truely like? You know when all you can do is just look at each other and not say anything at all. When you're trying to say I want to be your girl, and all that comes out is moron.
It happens with Luke Danes.
It never happened with Mr. Big. Of course, he never did like me back, so I guess I shouldn't compare. I guess that the chances of him liking me could be better by this evidence.
But no matter how many signs there are, no matter how much other people may tell me that he could have feelings for me, nothing is as legit as hearing someone say that they like you. Hearing the words "I like you too," or "I like you" is the best thing that you can ever hear in the english langauge. But hearing them from the person involved is a billion times better than hearing it through the grapevine.
I guess that maybe him being shy is a good sign, but I guess that in the end I just want you to talk to me like a normal human, no fear involved.
Basically, Luke, I would like you, if you did had those feelings for me, just say it. Either that, or I quickly assume that you hate me.
And I don't want to do that.
Maybe, we should talk more. But the whole getting to know you thing is kind of necesary, if you want the same outcome I do.
Which is something I yearn to find out.

Feeling the Sentiment

Today is the last offical day of school. The last final that I have to take is in about a half hour, and then I shall be a senior in high school.  Where did the time go? One minute, I'm walking in here a fat, stupid, scared, freshman, and then BAM! I'm magically a senior.
Three years ago, all I wanted was a boyfriend. I thought of nothing but that, because everyone else had one, why couldn't I? Later on, I had learned that those are the wrong reasons to want a relationship- I should soley want one because I want to be with that other person. I wanted him soley to be like everyone else, but in the end, that's not how relationships work.
Three years ago, I was naive.
Three years ago, I thought I was the best singer around. Funny how now, I can't sing very well, and I play the flute.
Three years ago, I was addicted to Facebook.
Three years ago, I cared about what people had to say about me.
I remember not spending not any of my time worrying about school. I remember acting like a nut, thinking that I was the coolest person on the planet.
Three years later, I have become a musician, or a person who plays the flute.
Three years later, I have found Bright Eyes, and Sex and the City. I have found countless other indie bands, and listen to eighties music, because the eighties rock.
Three years later, I don't care what people may think about me. I do my own thing, and if they don't like it, fuck them.
Three years later, I find myself a member of the badminton team, and an editior of the school newspaper.
Three years ago, I was a freshman.
Three years later, I am now a senior.

The Start.

You know that feeling you get in your stomach when you start talking to someone new, that feeling that you get when you know there is a slight chance that maybe, just maybe, they like you back, and maybe you've got a chance at being in a relationship with them.
Sometimes, I sit by the computer, just waiting for Luke to come on. Sometimes, I talk about him to Charlotte on hours on end. I even tell Big about Luke, and of course, he counts down the minutes until I shut the hell up.
Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I read too much into things. He had that kindergarten crush syndrome, the way that he teased me, like guys who like girls do. He notices everything that changes and he's well...adorable, not going to lie.
I often sit, and I wonder what will happen. I hope that maybe, just maybe he likes me too. It's silly and hopeless to hope, but who the hell cares?
Ohhh yeah right. I do.
I can't even tell anyone that's not Charlotte or Jenni, and it took me forever to do just that. I feel like no one should know who my heart belongs to, and that no one should care who I date, nor want to date. It's my life, and I guess, I should learn to make my own mistakes.
I think this could be the start of something great. The way you look at me in band class sometimes makes me wonder what could happen if we can actually get past this first step. This is always the best part, the talking, and the akward silences.
This could be the start of something.

Luke and Big.

Love is one of the craziest things on the planet. You sit around for hours on end waiting for someone to come online. You wait around nine months just for someone to tell you that they don't have feelings for you. Why? Because you think that you are mad for them, but love is something that is crazy, something that is mad in itself.
Mr. Big's arms are always there for me, I've learned. He is something that I realize will always be there for me, someone that I've waited forever to admit my feelings for, someone that I've waited for the right time, the right moment to tell him that I had a romantic interest in. His hair is now short, but his eyes still welcome me with the same happiness as the time he went to my game. But then, he didn't actually share those feelings for me. He just acted like it. He is my friend, maybe that's all he will ever be, my best friend. It's kind of funny that now I run to him whenever I have a probelm, and if I can't lost him, then maybe gambling the relationship that we have for something bigger perhaps isn't the answer. Maybe I should have looked for the red flags, and not have dismissed him.
But it's too late for maybe. I'm done with maybe. I'm done with everything. I will always love you Mr. Big, but I'm done worrying.
Which leads me to Luke Danes. Or Charlie Sheen. I don't know him well, as well as he doesn't know me. Nothing is familar.
Maybe not being familar is good, you don't get too comfortable. You don't know what's next, and maybe, just maybe that would be best.
Or maybe now's not the time. I wish it was. Ohhh well. I guess I shall be a tumbleweed in the wind. I like tumbleweeds...

Stormy Tides of Relationships

Sometimes, in life we meet people that we want to be around, people that we want to be in some kind of relationship with.
Lately, that thought has come into my mind several times, especially because of Luke Danes. I don't know why, but between my head spinning, the butterflies that flutter in my stomach, of my head spining, and the chills that run up and down my spine whenever I think of him, is a scary feeling. Scary, but good.
Relationships can often be scary, especially when all you have seen is the darker side of them. When all you've seen is the bad side of them, the thunderstorms, while all you wanted to see is a rainbow. All you desire is clear skies, the only thing you actually get out of everything is nothing but storms.
The reason why I never told Big how I felt about him is because of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being lied to, and most of all, fear of his sympathy. Most of all, the reality of perhaps being made a fool, all in the name of love, like Gatsby did when he was madly in love with Daisy, and waited around for five years, just because he was in love with Daisy. Sure, that's romantic, but then it's foolish.
Maybe we need to make fools out of ourselves, to make love real. Maybe we need to forget all logic to fall in love, like the real thing, and then just live and breathe, and the end of the day we fall for people that we never thought we would.
Maybe we need no logic to fall in love.

Bittersweet

Lately, I've been hearing the word bittersweet a lot. Between friends that are graduating, and my friend Chris finishing up his last guitar lesson, sentiment has been in the air lately. Of course, it seems like everyone but me feels it.
That all changed this morning. I woke up as I normally did. Then, it suddenly hit me that today was the last day of actual school. The last day before everything changes. My last day as being a junior. The last day before all of my friends go to college.
Today would be the last lunch with Big. Today would be the last day I see Luke on a daily basis. The last day I see Charlotte for a while.
Oh my gosh, I'm going to cry.
Next time I will walk these halls as a senior. I can't believe it, not one bit. I still remember being a dorky freshman with no clue in the world about how life is.  Now I'm one small year away from being a legal adult, a graduate from high school, a college sutdent. (hopefully.)
Somehow, I've changed completly. I'm actually happy with everything and everyone.
The term bittersweet will apply in a week, as I watch my friends graduate high school. I wish them all of the luck in the world, and I will miss them like crazy.
Oddly enough, now I want a butterscotch candy.

I've Got a Secert and I Can't Explain.

I will admit to the few people that read this that I like a guy who on here is dubbed to be Charlie Sheen, and later on, now called Luke Danes.
Not many people know that I have feelings for this person, other than a select few. I don't know why. Maybe, because I don't want another Mr. Big repeat, when everyone knew I liked Big, and no one cared to tell me how he felt. Maybe, because I didn't want people to judge me, and frown at me because I like someone that's also younger than me. I don't want people to start calling me a cougar, because that is farther from the truth. I happened to like people that were younger than me, not on purpose, but on accidental reasoning. It never mattered if they happened to have a few years of an age difference.
I've got a secert, and I plan to keep it. I like Luke Danes, who has dark brown hair, kinda longerish. He has brown eyes, and an amazing smile. He has an artistic hand, and I think I can truely be with him. Ohh, here's that wierd word, think. It's weird how you can never really know what you're doing, you only think that you know.
I guess in life we have to swim, and not surf. We have to relax, and put as much effort as you plan on doing, and only hope that you get it back.
Some people might think that I'm keeping him a secert because I'm ashamed. But really, the whole world doesn't have to know who I'm interested in.

Father Figures.

It often bothers me when I think about my father. It bothers me that whenever I'm with him, people go up to him and say "I didn't Know you had a daughter." It bothers me that he talks about his stepson like his own and his daughter as a rarity. I may not have a soccor scholarship, and I suck at math. BUT I play a sport, and I am in the concert band, as well as an editor of the school newspaper. I guess I don't mean anything to you Dad. It bothers me that you would rather look at my Facebook Wall, rather than pick up your smartphone and give me a call. It bothered me seeing you and my stepbrother together in a picture, looking like father and son.
Am I your closet child, Dad? I know divorced people, and all of them have healthy relationships with both of their parents, where they don't have to go out for dinners, and hear crap that happened when they weren't even walking yet. Their stepmothers or fathers don't take them out just to catch up, and then just talk about their affairs. They have the respect not to air out thier dirty laundry out in public, especially in the eyes of someone who wasn't old enough to see the effects of what had happened.
I'm sure you're sorry for what you did, and the damage has been done. When I looked at those pictures, I wondered if I would even want you there. You weren't even a part of my school experience. You were too busy doing your secertary. I don't even want to give you a father's day present. I don't even consider you to be a father figure in my life.
My real father is someone that is named Sonny. Sonny raised me, took me everywhere. Sonny is now diagnosed with stage four dementia and lies in a bed in a home where he is wasting away. He spends half of the time sleeping, the other half in a daze. He's blind in one eye, diabetic, and he can't walk, nor eat. And it hurts the most that week after week, I have to walk in there, look at him like that, and know that there's nothing I can do to make his pain go away. I don't want him to have to suffer anything like that, because he never did anything to deserve living that way, a vegetable, not knowing what the hell is going on in his surroundings.
Father figures, I guess are someone that a girl needs in her life. She needs a mother and a father, in my opinion. Even though my mother is great, I always had the desire for a father. I always searched for someone to be proud of me, and for someone to tell me that they love me and I am not a complete failure to them. I guess I will never truely have that, and I am just going to have to live with it.

Experimental Love.

In life, there are some of us who tend to find what we are looking for right off the bat, like Rose and Jack from titanic. And some of tend to find it later in life, like Carrie and Big.
I often think about happiness and how people get it. Is happiness like a number that you pull from a hat? When your number is called then you will be happy, or is not how it works. And, how do you know what makes you happy?
Is happiness like a science experiment? Do you have to experiment with people to figure out what you want in life? Like Carrie dated four or five people, while having Mr. Big somewhere in the picture. Is it better to date as many people as you can to figure out what exactly you want?
But what happens when you found what makes you happy? What happens when what you want is right in front of you, but you just can't have it? What do you do then?
Mr. Big, I think you're the one that I want to be with. I think. But Luke Danes is in the picture, and I like him too, and I've told you this. I've come to you for advice. You told me to do whatever I felt was best.
But what if I don't know what makes happy?
And what if what I really want is right in front of me, and I just can't reach it?
I think that's the funny thing about fate. We don't know what it is. We don't what we will do, or who we will be with next. And that is quite alright, because we all could use a little mystery in our life.

Why You Mad?

So today I forgot to call someone. Well yesterday. And I didn't forget, it was more like I had a migrane, and a pile of homework the size of Mount Everst. So technically, I didn't forget you, Luke.
So I walked by you, meaning to see you, trying to explain what had happened and you walk away, looking like you mad? Real cool, bro.
Luke, I like you. I don't know how much, and why, other than the fact that you are adorable. I think that's a little shallow, but it's whatever. I like you Luke, and something tells me, whether it's the chills that I get, or the butterflies in my stomach, that you like. Charlotte tells me that too, and she thinks that the reason why he's so mad at me is because I forgot and he was looking foreward to me.
Imagine, someone looking foreward to seeing me? Ha, that's a first.
Welll, Mr. Danes...
I hope that you will understand. I'm sorry that I offended you..exucse me for having migranes. I really like you, and I think you like me too.
And if you didn't understand, then you are a jerk, and not worth my time. Mr. Big would have understood that I had a headache, and not care. But you didn't give me a chance to explain anything. You just glared and walked away.
So why you mad? Huh? Tell me why you mad?

Look What You Did Tom.

My friend Jenni had been involved with a guy named Tom. They had a fling kind of thing, if you will, or an open relatioship. They texted, and I think hung out and all of that jazz.
About a month ago, Jenni logs into facebook, and finds that Tom is in a relationship with someone else. Of course it hurts her, but she realizes that she can go and find someone else as well.
So. Tom. If i had known you, then I would personally have to say why was in your mind when you went to break her heart? You had yourself a great girl, and then you just go out and throw her away like yesterday's news. Girl's hearts are not toys, although you may think that they are.
The point of this story is for girls everywhere, like Jenni and myself. You don't need anyone who won't be there for you, or will be the one that you will end up crying over. If you end up crying for someone, then they probably don't love you, and then they don't deserve you, nor to be worthy of your tears. We all have been there, crying, eating Ben and Jerry's and basically acting like someone morning something that isn't you.
Of course, it's hard not to do that.
To all of you guys out there, chances are you have been a jerk to some girl who has done nothing wrong but loving you. I'm not hating on you, it's just the way things are. Some guys send rude text messages, and some women get divorce papers instead of flowers on Valentine's Day.
But the thing about love is we eventually find someone that is better than the one we had, an upgrade if you will. You will cry, and hurt, but you move on. You will eventually find someone else to love, and then things would be even better than they would before.
All girls out there, let's be strong together. Staying strong for the tough times helps us enjoy the sweetness of when things actually go right.

Why Would I?

Okay, Cruella, why would I go to a party for your son, when you tend to be a coldhearted bitch to pretty much everyone and everything you come in contact with? Just because you're my stepmnother doesn't mean that my respect for you is automatic. Just because you're an adult who spends time with my father, doesn't mean you deserve it.
Yes. Me and your son are cool. But you and I aren't.
You are the one who thinks parading around with other people's husbands is cool. You're the one who thinks that it doesn't matter whether or not someone is married or not to make a pass at them. Your husband had drinking probelms? Bitch, you probably caused them.
My father thinks I have the sterotype that you are the one that caused my parents to spilt. Yes, I think that. If you were not in the picture, then maybe I would have had a father.
But whatever Lola wants Lola gets, right? I think I will switch your name from Cruella to Lola because Lola from Damn Yankees tends to do that.
Okay, so you're proud of all of you're actions, Lola. You're a bitch, don't you know. A coldhearted, no good bitch.
The point of this lovely blog entry, other than for me to express my feelings towards Lola, is that some people do not understand what they are doing to you. You only get one father, and one mother. No replacements. So, what happens when the father you get is malfunctioned? Can you get a refund on the dad that you got and get a new one?
Something tells me that is not how it works.

And to my father, Martito. You tend to talk about your wife's son, your stepson, more than you care to talk about you're daughter, the one that actually shares your genes. And don't plan on blaming my mother, because it's not her fault. It's yours.
Well, just saying...

It Doesn't Make Sense.

Oh, Luke Danes, why you be so strange? You knew that I was going with Chris and you yesterday, yet you kept on asking. Then, you ranted on and on about how I am the third wheel to you're bromance with Christopher. You are damn confusing.
Oh, Mr. Big, why must you be so confusing? Yesterday, you said I look prettier without make-up. When I felt like bawling my eyes out, I somehow got the nerve to text you. I don't know why I did, I just did. You've always been warmer than Luke, and open, and you just absorb everything like a sponge, while I sit there pouring everything out to you. I don't know why I felt so comfortable telling you those things, and I don't know why I actually want you around. I just do. I guess you're always going to be my Mr. Big, whether either of us like it or not.
Which brings me back to Luke Danes. He's perverted. He's odd. He's an artist, a really good one to be honest. He's the guy who teases in a kindergarten crush sort of way, then he acts like a sweetheart. Basically, it's a love hate relationship. Or hot and cold sydrome. Either one is cool.
I often wonder about my feelings and what they are and what they mean. Sometimes, I wonder if they are even real, or pigments of my imagination. Sometimes, I wonder if it all makes sense. Of course when matters of the heart come into play, nothing does. Feelings just simply don't make sense, no matter how hard Miranda wants to make them sensible.
Oh Charlotte, why must you be right all of the time.
Heart is much more simple as a cardio organ then a figurative saying. If the organ is broken, there are ways to fix it. There are doctors who have spent years studying the matters of the human heart.
The figurative meaning of the heart is different. You fall for someone, and can not notice how hard you're falling. Or even not care that you've fallen that hard. You just fell, and you don't care about the impact of the fall. You are just glad that you fell.
Luke Danes. I think I might like you. I wonder if you like me too.
As for Mr. Big, I think I loved you. I still don't know what I felt. I still don't know what I feel now. Feelings, have no logic, I spose.

I Often Wonder...

Okay, so today's the first time I'm going to hang out with Charlie Sheen, without all of his crazy friends, unless you count Christopher...but for God's sake, let's not, because Mr. Hayden, despite having an extensive knowlage of anything about sex or anything perverted, is actually a nice guy underneath who is still single ladies..but that's not the point. But who woulda thought, I would hang out with Luke/Charlie Sheen (he has two nicknames now). Who woulda thought that I would develop feelings for him?
I often wonder if fate has a caculater of times when you want to hang out with someone, and times when you want to hate that person. They say everything happens for a reason. You break up with one person, you close a door, but open a window. Could Charlie be my window? Could Big be my door?
Fate, you are so confusing.
Nervousness is one way to describe how I'm feeling right now. Of course, he probably considers it to be just friends hanging out. Maybe eventually, that's all it will be. But right now, I guess I should cut all the nerves crap, and actually be excited about hanging out with a guy I like.
But then, in my dreams appears Mr. Big. And Mr. Sheen. They sit there, debating about something thanks to illness I can not remember..
Do I like both of them?
And most important, do they know I like them?
Those, I often wonder.

Okay, Truth Time.

Facing your fears is something hard to do. Whether it's a fear of falling in love, a fear of heights, or a fear of death, it's all the same. You feel weakened by them.
My fear is admitting my feelings.
I don't know how I got to have this fear. Maybe it's the fact the my parents have divorced, and at the back of my mind, I always thought that someone would leave after opening myself completly. I've gotton better at it, especially after Harry.
I'll admit this, because after all, it's easier to admit on here than actually get the nerve to put it into some sort of word format to say it to him.
Dear Mr. Luke Danes, I've grown to like you. The question that I'm dying to know the answer to is, do you return the feelings too?
I hope to one day find the nerve to ask you...maybe one day..

* A little sidenote. I started a poetry blog, which I will update more as I get inspired. Here's a link to my first poem that I've written. More will be pending.
http://poetryforthesane.wordpress.com/2011/06/09/where-does-my-heart-be/

It's Not Right.

It still amazes me that even to this day, certain people do not have the freedom to be themselves in public, whether they be gay, and afraid to come out. Whether they enjoy football in a family full of baseball fans, or enjoy music other than what is considered socially acceptable, people tend to hide themselves to fit the mold that society has of us, something that is considered perfect.
A friend of mine, came to me with a probelm. For privacy's sake, we shall call him Kirk. Kirk is a gay individual, and came out a few years ago. As you can imagine, that is hard already. Kirk said that some guy, a tiny guy I might add, was teasing him about being gay. It bothered me, because he has as much right as I do, a straight individual, to be not bullied and to be able to be himself without any sort of fear.
Kirk, I have two quotes for you, that may or may not help. If they don't help, I'm sorry. And if they do, that would be great.
The first one, is a little song called "Born This Way" by Lady GaGa. "You are beautiful in you're own way/cause God makes no mistakes/ I'm on the right track baby, I was born this way." That song is an anthem, because it's true. You are born to be the way you are, and don't be ashamed for being what you are only meant to be.
The second one I heard from Miranda, who quoted Dr. Suess. "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." That quote is true, because the people who truely love you, don't care if you're black, white, green, have two eyes, or a dozen eyes, they don't care what sexual orientation you are, or what you do. They are there for you, through thick and thin. And that's a true friend.
I think we should all stop our judging and actual open our minds to things and people that are different, and stopping hating them soley becase they are different. That, my friends, is not a cool thing for you to do, because judging people isn't a good thing.

Hide and Seek Feelings Game

Sometimes, I think that Mr. Big truely has feelings for me. He asks if he will see me today, and all of that jazz.
He says he doesn't though, and then leaves me questioning everything about what I know about relationships. Whether or not I know if someone is interested me. Jenni says that they all are the same, so I will take her advice. They all act like Harry, and Harry, at one time or another, did have some sort of romantic interest towards me. Although it didn't end well, I can still remember how happy he was whenever I walked into a room, he's face lit up brighter than a thousand lightbulbs. How he smiled, how he looked at me whenever he thought I wasn't looked at me.
Sometimes I think Charlie Sheen does. He does that mirroring thing that every teen magazine thing talks about. If I put my head down, he follows. If I fold my hands, he does the same.
I'm a little scared to ask him how he feels mainly because I don't want another verison of what happened with Mr. Big. I don't want someone that will play hide and seek with their feelings, because I want someone to tell me how they are feeling.
When someone is playing hide and seek with their feelings, they just don't tell you what they are feeling. Or they are lying to you about how they feel about you or particular subject. Basically, all points aside, they are just playing a game with you.
To all of my male readers, if you like a girl just tell her how you feel. She either likes you or she doesn't. But cut that umblical cord of love. You need to free those feelings, because there is some chance that she may like you as well. But don't play the hide and seek games with your feelings. Stringing her along for years on end will not make the girl very happy.
To Mr Big, please note that if you try to play these games, I'm going to run even faster. I'm tired of every game, I just want peace.
And to Charlie Sheen, I really have to find a new nickname for you. Maybe Luke? Yes, I will call you Luke, you know Luke Danes from Gilmore Girls.
The point is, air your feelings out, there is no need for dirty emotions out there. Make them clean, simply by telling them. You will be happy that you did.
I really oughta take my advice sometimes..

Walk Away

Ever have someone that you thought had feelings for you, but all they were was a really good friend? Like you liked them, and you thought that they liked you, based on what your friends and family were saying, you knew that there was something there. Something that you thought was mutal.
Then you learn that they didn't, and either you were seeing things through rose colored glasses, or there was something wrong with them. Me, being a girl, chose the latter, and blamed myself, and began to pen these stupid blog entries.
And when you found out that they didn't have those feelings with you, it cut you like a knife. It felt like you were being stabbed with a knife, and that you felt like a fool.
Charlotte thought he liked me.
Jenni thought he liked me.
Even Christopher did.
But now I choose to walk away. I can't handle having someone acting one way, and saying another. I'm chosing to walk away from the feelings. I don't want to surf the oceans of love. I want to float and enjoy the ride of it.
Oh, Mr. Big, I give up. And now, I'm walking. If you choose to come and chase me, go ahead. I might respond the way that you want, I might not. But I'm choosing a new path of life, and you may or may not care about what I'm doing. All I know is that I'm going.
I have control. And I have lots of it. Just like Janet.

Harry's Break Up Playlist.

Well we all know that break-ups are horrible. We eat lots of ice cream, and cry our eyes out. Well, i've devised a little playlist to help all of you broken hearted chicks out there in need of something good to listen to. We'll call it Harry's playlist, because Harry was my last serious and emotional breakup, and these songs helped me get through it.

1. "Since You've Been Gone", by Kelly Clarkson. Kelly makes the best 'screw you, i'm better than that' songs. This song is about someone whose happier now without the one that they used to be with, and how they are much better off without them. Perfect for someone whose all sad because of someone else's mistakes.
2. "Over It" by Katharine McPhee. The song is about someone who realizes that their ex no longer has the same effect on them as they did when they were together. "you're smile, i'm over it." It's a great song to listen to when you're feeling like you can move on.
3. "How Am I Sposed to Live Without You" by Michael Bolton. This is a little for the dramactic, I spose. And sucidal. But the words are quite true, because it describes how someone feels when the wound of a breakup is fresh, and bleeding. Perfect song to cry to. Michael, good job.
4. "What the Hell", by Avril Lavigne. A song about moving on, and having an ex whose a hater, and hating on her.
5. "Leave (Get Out)" by JoJo. A song about a girl whose boyfriend cheated on her with her best friend, and after feeling like she meant nothing to the guy, she tells him to leave. (good job, JoJo! You can do so much better than that loser anyways!)
6. "Gunpowder and Lead" by Miranda Lambert. The woman takes control. You go girl.

These are only some of the many break up songs out there. If you have any suggestions,  please just comment this or something.

Is Love Like Chocolate?

In life, we always say that variety is the best. Too much of any sort of thing, is well bad. Too much junk food will make you fat. Too much dieting makes you crazy. Too much time spent with one person shows obession. Basically, too much of any sort of thing is a bad thing. So, is love kind of like chocolate? Too much of anything is a bad thing, so I guess too much of love is a bad thing as well.
The line between over indulgence and induldgence is a line that has become too thin. Sometimes some people think that if they induge then they think that they are over induging, and if someone overindulges then they think that they just plain old indulging.
What exactly do we we consider to be the definition for each?
My definition of indulging is eating one chocolate, one cupcake or one cookie. You enjoy yourself every now and then, but not everyday. You enjoy the fruits of love, but not eating all of them, and in the end, you end up enjoying them more than you would if you ate them all of the time.
Overindulging is when you eat the whole bag of chocolate, the whole bag of cookies, and the whole entire plate of cupcakes. You get the idea. If you eat too much of those things, then of course, you will get sick, and being sick is never too fun.
So, if we enjoy too much of love, then would we be considered lovesick?
What are the symptoms?
What are the side effects?
What are the cures for it?
Being love sick is not at all like the common cold. It's more of a mind illness. The symptons of being lovesick is when you change to whatever the other person wants you to be like. You are more with your other then you are with your friends. Kind of like Big and Carrie during the first season of Sex and the City. They never got up for air. Love shouldn't suffocate you. Love should help you breathe.
The side effects of being love sick is losing friends, and yourself. Basically, you're drowning in an ocean of love, and only each other.
The cures for being love sick, is like I said balance. After all balance is the one thing to living a happy and healthy life.

Say It Now, or Forever Hold Your Peace.

Ever have to say something to someone, and you were nervous about what they were going to say about what you wanted to say to them? Like telling someone that you have romantic interest in them. Or telling someone that you want to know why they are treating you the way that they do, and you clearly don't like being treated like that.
Charlotte, went through that once a long time ago, back when she had feelings for Christopher. I'm now going through that with Charlie Sheen, trying to figure out exactly what his deal is with me. The thought of maybe that he could have feelings for me, kind of makes me excited, as well as nervous. I often wonder what his deal. Does he just have Kindergarten Crush Syndrome? Or does he just not like me at all?
And then I think about Mr. Big
I think about every moment I've spent with him. I feel comfortable around him, the kind of comfortable that you feel around your best friend. I tell him everything, and he thinks that I'm nuts. It's a fair trade, suffice to say.
I remember when I thought he liked me. I remember being so wrong about it, and feeling like everything that I learned about love is completely and utterly wrong, when I found out that he didn't share that same romantic interest that he did.
Jenni says that Sheen likes me, in addition to Miranda and Charlotte. My gut says that he does. I know that if I don't say what I wanted to say, I know I'll be kicking myself all weekend.
I guess it's time to listen to the song "What I wanted to Say" by Colbie Calliat.
Maybe what I wanted to say is that I am starting to like you. But I don't like the way that you treat me.  Maybe all I need to say is "Hey, I don't like the way you treat me. Can you tell me why you treat me like that, because it bothers me?" It was easier coming out in type then out of my mouth. Maybe he's going to say I don't like you. Or maybe he'd admit it.
Basically, it's speak now, or forever hold your peace.

Falling.

Have you ever fallen for someone that you really shouldn't have? As Charlotte says "You can't help who you fall for." But, I fell for Big, and he never caught me, but for some odd reason, the string that holds my feelings for him together remains uncut. I almost fell for Chris, but then after that lunch thing, I realized that he would be better as my friend, rather than my boyfriend. Now I think I'm falling for Charlie Harper, the world's most obnoxious dude on the planet.
Sometimes the people in Hollywood end up falling for people that you hate. Like in Pride and Prejudice. They hated each other, and then in the end, they fell in love. (I think. I never actually finished the book, because it tended to bore me. No offense to anyone who likes it. It just wasn't my thing.)
I think maybe Charlie Sheen likes me with his kindergarten crush syndrome. I think so. Something about the way he acts makes me think that he does. And I think maybe, just maybe, I have some sort of feelings there. But with feelings involved, everything gets complicated.
I don't know what to feel, or who I feel the most towards. With the heart, you just don't know. You don't know what it may tell you to do next. It can tell you to do backflips, when you're afriad of heights, but you want to show off the back that you're flexible.
Love is a crazy thing. Maybe we should stop fighting our feelings, and actually feel them. Maybe we should think with our heads more often, like Miranda has told me to do. Maybe I should spend some time figuring out what to do with my life instead of just writing about it.
Yeah, I think I will do just that.

A Heart So Bent It Can't Break.

When dealing with love, you often experience a broken heart. It may not even be from love, it may even be from a neglant parent, or watching someone you love die a slow and tragic death and being helpless to help them from suffering.
I guess my heart was always broken, growing up I didn't have a dad. It's something that I've always searched for throughout my life, looking for that fill of paternal love, looking for something that I could never truely replace. A father's love is like a wedding dress-one of a kind, something that no matter what, you can never replace.
I then proceeded to search in relationships, looking for a chance for someone to love me. I found love with a few losers that I won't name, because I kind of forgot about them, and they don't matter to me, in addition to Harry, the one whose demon I still face today. To this day, I still try to prove to him that I'm over him, to prove that it was his loss, not mine that he left me. I guess that I don't have to prove anything to anyone, but sometimes I feel like I have too.
Many have different ways of coping with a broken heart. Some chose to eat gallons of Ben and Jerry's and cry about it. Some chose to live and drown in a sea of denial. Some chose to get a new hairdo, and get themselves a new man.
And I? I just lie there. I just sit there, trying to hold it together, when I was falling apart. When Harry and I broke up, I sppose that I was a mess, trying to fix a broken mirror that I should have left to break. But at the end of the day, I rely on talking about my feelings. It's the only way that I feel that I can truely heal. I thank Charlotte, Samantha, and my redheaded Miranda, whose like my big sister, in addition to my Lane, whose a sweetheart. Without them, I know that I would have gone crazy. In life, we need a solid group of friends to get us through the ups and downs of life. With them by my side, I know I could get through anything.
At some point or another, your heart's going to break. But it will get repaired over time, and get broken again. But that helps us get to that really good relationship where no one has to worry about anything and you'll be together forever.