But, Honestly, I Am Natalie

I often feel like I come off to people in different ways than I am. I often feel like I am more like a blonde then a brunette and that people look at me like I am just a girl who cares about herself and not about the world. It disgusts me how the way that the world is, with some people rich and some people so poor and living in violence and poverty. When I watched gangland for the first time I was both shocked and hurt that society turns this blind eye on these people. I do not like to cry in public, whether it may be in a funeral or at school. I cry alone where no one can see me or comfort me. I want someone to do that but I'm often afraid to let someone in because I often think, that silly voice in my head that whoever I let in, they will leave me to cry for myself. I wish that my life as was better, I wish that my father was around for things other than annoyance. I wish Sonny was still alive because I wish that he was able to see me graduate high school and college. But, fate took him an to this day, I find it hard to accept. I wish I got to know the people who lived across the street from me because they have lead fascinating lives and I wish I was able to get to know them an say goodbye when they walked this earth for the final time. I write these blog entries for my words to be out there, out of me, to touch every person who reads that. I would give anything for the people who I love but the people who hurt me or them I want to rip their heads off. I strive to remain a virgin until my wedding day, staying away from drinking because I don't want to poison my body and soul with things that can hurt me if I can control them.i am pressured by peers to do otherwise which kind of bothers me. I mean it's my choice to do or not to do things. The people who care about me the most, my little sister Angelyn, and my very close friend Griffin who I realize that I'm very lucky to have. They have taught me right from wrong, they are the ones that stay up with me all night when I'm sad and need a person to talk to. Honestly I wonder how much they can take of me annoying them as much as I do, because there are times when I'm sure they want to rip my head off. I have so much respect for them and I have so much gratitude to them. I often wonder what they see in me, and would like them to tell me what they perceive me as. I wish people could see me not as I am on the outside but as I am on the inside. You know what society? Fuck you.