Loose Ends

I often believe that a break-up is like a mirror, once it's broken, then you can hurt yourself trying to fix it. (Well the only difference between a broken heart and a broken mirror is that the mirror leaves your finger all gross, and the broken heart...well it hurts)
I notice that after the end of a relationship, there are a lot of loose ends, like at the end of a friendship bracelet. (I enjoy making those, so I guess it's a reference that makes sense) Loose ends that can either be cut, or be friends.
Now why are there a lot of loose ends at the end of a relationship...(the friendship bracelets have a lot of loose ends to help us put them on.)
But the point of this thing is basically....
Uhmmmm..
If there is a lot of loose ends, sometimes it's best to leave them tied.
And sometimes it's best to just leave them alone.
And how do we know? Sometimes we never do. That's why it's best to trust our gut. And of course the person you tell about all your probelms too...

*Wahh...SATS tomarrow...

Drunken Whores Needa Chill.

Today, I had a day off from school. So, I spent most of it doing homework, and of course, watching some television, when I had a spare moment. And Jersey Shore was on. So, for kicks, I watched it.
SNOOKI AND DEENA....OHMYGOSH.
Okay, now I'm done.
No..wait.
HOW MUCH CAN ONE DRINK BEFORE THEY LOSE THEIR SANITY?!?!?! AND NOT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING?
I mean like seriously? How does being drunk all of the time, and whining, and acting stupid, is attractive? It's not. It makes you look dumb and trashy. It makes you look cheap, because you end up flashing people in the club and have sex with people that you just met. Guys don't respect you; they just look and laugh at you, probably thinking that you are nothing but a good time. Or a "blast in a glass" as Deena calls it.
I'm not saying it's bad to drink. But, like food, it shouldn't be extreme amounts. Makes you look trashy. Makes you look like you have no control. You need some control to live, some control, because too much of anything, over a long period of time, can actually kill you.
When I watched Snooki and Deena today, I actually started to cringe. How can you poison your body like that? I believe that your body is like a temple, you must cherish it. But too much of alcohol, can do so much harm then good. Look at Charlie Sheen, or his character, Charlie Harper. His liver must have been such a horrible sight. That, and the fact I want to know what I'm doing, and where I'm going. I don't need alcohol to tell me otherwise.

* wow, it's been a while since I've last posted. Silly SATS/APs. Hopefully, I'll be able to post more soon!

LOVE.

L.
O.
V.
E.
This is one of the words in the English language that has always confused me. It's simple to say, easy to spell, but the hardest to understand. It always seems like I write about this subject, but really, I can never find the true answer. So every answer I find is an answer that builds upon another.
What is love?
I think I have come closer to the definition. I think I did anyways. I think love is like people-there are more than one kind of it.
There's the love with your friends, which I remember writing about a few months ago. That's one of the more enternal kinds of love, the kind that would last for a while. Friends are the ones that would steal your food, the ones that will be there when you have things going on with you, the ones that bring you junk food to binge on, and the ones who are always there for you.
Then there's family. Or friends that are like your family. I think I wrote about this before also, so I'll keep a short summary on that. Basically they were always there for you, and always will be there for you, no matter what you do. (So if you fall and break your leg, they will be the first to sign it..) They were there in the beginning, and will always be. (even  if the beginning wasn't the beginning of your lifetime.)
Now we come to the part that I haven't wrote about. The part about love that I have realized today.
There are two kinds of romantic love, I think. Eternal and baby love.
Eternal love is when you love someone, to the point when you want to marry them. It's so strong that you just know that the other person is right for you. It's like the twilight zone. Eternal lovers can say anything to the other and know that nothing will change what they have.
Then there's baby love, aka puppy love. That's when the awkward starts. When you don't know what you're doing, the victims of kindergarten crush syndrome. This kind of love is shielded by the fear of messing up, and usually one would leave over something petty. You can see this kind of relationship in high school, middle school, and even as late as college.
And what I'm looking for? Love. The kind of love that it doesn't matter where you are with them, you could be having the time of your life. I want to be with someone whose my best friend, and someone whose my lover too. I want my friends and my family to know about him. I want to live a time of happiness, and ride the waves for as long as possible because I know nothing will last forever. I want to learn something with them. I want to try new things, I want to live for the day, and know that with him by my side, I won't have to worry about being lonely on the times when I'm in need. I want to be in love. Like what Carrie said "I want love; inconvient, I can't live without you love.
So...where might you be?

In the Middle.

Have you ever felt like you were in the middle of something bad that was going to happen, and then there you stood, powerless, unable to stop the sinking titanic that is in front of you. People will get hurt. Lives will be changed forever, and perhaps you don't know what to do or say for either party involved, the peanut butter in between the two pieces of wheat bread. (well it could be any type of bread, but I like wheat, so I thought wheat would be a classy thing to write.)
In some ways, I could have predicted this was going to happen. I knew it would from the first day of school, that this was going to sooner or later, and I would probably be forced to chose. I don't want to chose between sides. I want to be freaking Switzerland.
They are the neutral ones, right?
I guess this is what happens when two of your best friends decide that it's a classy time to go out with each other. Eventually it all gets awkward, and then you have to figure out who you love more. (And that's kinda hard when one's your best guy friend, the other is like the sister that you never had.) Of course, you want to be a good friend to both. But then, you realize, that you can't.
In the middle of fights, and breakups, maybe it's best to be the apple you eat after your sandwich. That way, you're still involved in the meal, but not in the making of the sandwich.

Changes.

So, today I was looking at pictures from my freshman year. At first, I cringed, because I was incredibly fat, and ugly, however I thought that I was the most beautiful thing on the planet. Then, nostalgically thoughts started to kick in, and then I began to remember a time when I was naive, a time when I thought just because I liked a person, meant that I should tell the entire planet.
Yeah, I was pretty stupid.
Looking back at the pictures with my best friend, my choir friends, my friends at lunch, and more people I randomly met (I know a lot of people), is A: Damn, I took a lot of pictures. B: I had wierd clothing choices. C: Thank God, I got contacts. D: Wow that was three years ago.
It's still shocking that I'm a senior. I can't get over it.
Okay, maybe I can.
I'M A SENIOR BITCHES!
Now that I got that out of my system, back to serious writing..
Serious my ass.
Anyways.
What was I saying again.
Oh yeah, contuing on, looking through those pictures brought back a lot of memories. Some good, some bad, some just plain ol' embarssing. I think that at the end of the day, it's what makes you fall on your ass shows you what to do, and tells you what not to do.

The Go With Your Gut Theory

Ever hear the saying "always go with your gut?"
Ever follow your gut, and then you fall flat on your face, like an idiot, and then people point and stare at you, then laugh at you.
Well, I heard that today in my AP class. See, we were having a test, so my teacher said "Follow your gut, and never overthink things." So, that got me thinking...WHAT IF OUR GUT IS WRONG?
Once, I felt like I knew that someone liked me. Like literally in my gut, I felt that way. But then, he didn't. But, I still feel like he did.
I dunno.
Stupid gut.
Get yourself in check.
Anyways, back to what I was saying.
What happens when your gut is wrong? Do we live, and do we learn? Or do we learn not to follow it, that it's best to just let things be?
The thing about love, is that it's not fact, it's way more complicated than that. It's not as easy as tying your shoes, it's something like solving a chemistry or a precalc probelm.
But with love, we don't get the xs and we don't get the ys. We just get the situation, and we get thrown out there, desparate to find the x to our ys. But unfornatly, it doesn't work out like that. We often have to go through years and years of trials, just to find the correct one.
And, maybe, just maybe, our gut helps us reach that point.
So, I guess that my gut is a good thing after all!

When You're Young

When you're young, you are the most vulnerable. You don't know what's out there, and you don't know what you want in life. You don't know what you want to do yet. Yet, we are forced to fit into a mold, to find a career, to become a label, to be the person that other people want you to be. We are forced and molded to want to be succesful, to want to settle down to have children, to want to be what everyone else is.
When you're young you should be able to do whatever you can, or whatever you feel is right. If you want to dye your hair pink, dye your hair pink. We should be able to learn from our mistakes and be able to say "I'm glad I did that," not "I wish I did that." We have the rest of our lives to cringe at our mistakes that we make now. Maybe we even cringe at the things we used to do as little as two years ago.
When you're young, your parents try to shield you from the world, to tell you you can't do things.
And when you get old, you become a verison of them, with the dreams of being something else stuck in your heart forever, caged, with no way out.
We never stop growing. People are like infinite independent variables, they always change. Time is the dependant variable that we always measure the time that has passed. We always go foreward, and it is always measured. Our lives at the end are like the final thing that we find out the outcome, we never know completly what will happen to us in the end. We will only know the outcome when the end of our lives come. We could get married and divorced. We could have eight kids.
We just never know.

Because I knew you, I've Been Changed For Good.

There are people who come and go in our lives, leaving imprints on our hearts. The imprint lasts forever. It stays with you, the memory always staying with you.
Okay, now I want to sing "For Good."
Because I knew you, I've been changed for good.
Because I knew Sonny, I've been changed for good. I sometimes wonder why he still hangs on, while in so much pain.
But then maybe he's staying alive for someone that he loves. Maybe, he's scared to leave her, so he decided to suffer so she doesn't have to.
Yeah, that's love.
I want that. You know, that kind of love.
Wow, this blog entry sucks. Sorry, my mind's tapped out guys. Long week.

Love Is Not War.

A lot of people compare love to war. In the Sex and the City movie, Samantha compared love to chemotherapy. Is love that bad? Is love worth fighting for? Or is love something that we have to fight for, and once we win the fight, then it's bittersweet, because the battle has been won. But then again, isn't love worth fighting for?
Today, I want to spend some time talking about dating violance. I don't care if you think you know everything about the subject, you don't. I want to save one person, maybe more from falling the victim of being in an abusive relationship. Friends, if you see the signs, please talk. Everyone else, try to stay on your toes.
If someone is controlling someone, that's bad. If someone is making them "check in", that's bad too. You shouldn't have to keep tabs on the person. A relationship is all about trust, you should be able to trust that person enough that if you went out without them, they won't go off and do something stupid. And if that thought does cross your mind, then you shouldn't be with that person from the beginning. If that person hits you, or calls you a bitch, then they certainly shouldn't be doing that.
If you or a friend is going through it, please try your best to get out of it. Break up with them, and try to stay away from someone. Follow your gut. It could do wonders.
Please take the time to go to the Lindsay Anne Burke Fund website. (Link at the end of the blog) and become a fan of her on facebook. Six years ago around today, Lindsay was murdered by her boyfriend. Please take the time to read her story, because we can learn from it.
http://labmf.org/

A Person Worth Remembering.

A person worth remembering is someone who has made your life worth living. Someone that in twenty years, you will still want to think about what they did for you. Remembering that helps you because in the future, you won't forget someone who has changed your life in ways that when they are gone, you don't know how you'll ever move on without them in your life.
I've learned so much from my grandfather, whose more like a father to me. I can still remember playing the piano (not very well..I used to bang on the thing so hard that it's a wonder why it didn't break!) and he would sit on one of the dining room chairs. I remember him taking care of me everyday. I remember when he used to take my grandmother everywhere, and fall asleep because she took so long. I remember everything, like it was yesterday.
But it took five years of a complete downward spiral.
Thanks to my grandfather, I learned that there are good men out there. I learned that with hard work, you can do anything. I learned to make jokes, and never leave a man hanging.
Most importantly, I learned how to love.

Rememember 9/11

Ten years ago on this very day, two planes struck the twin towers. Another struck the pentagon, and another in some town in Pennsylvania. Thousands lost our lives, and the life of every American has been changed forever. The war of Terror has begun.
 Today, let's take a moment to remember and relfect how far we've come as a country, and as a society.
Today, let's remember 9/11.

I Need Someone.

I feel like my emotions are trapped in a jar, waiting to explode.
I feel like when I cry, there is one there to listen.
I feel like there's no one there to cheer me up, to catch me.
I need someone to hear me, to make things better. I feel like everything and everyone is ignoring me while I spin out of control.
I need someone to tell me that it will be okay.
I need someone to tell me that I'm not alone, and I won't have to deal with this alone.
I want someone to hold me while I cry.
I want someone to be there for me, because I need someone to tell me that everything's going to be okay.
I want someone to hold my hand.
At the end of the day, I wish that everything will be okay.
At the end of the day, I know I will be alright.
At the end of the day, I wish that I had some emotional backbone.
And, I know that with someone with me, I'll be okay.

The Pyschology of Love.

I always am curious about the concept of love, the concept of what's real and what's a knock off. I always wondered what makes us fall in love, and what's behind it.
And so far, I got nothing.
Nada.
Niente.
That's about all of my language skills right there.
I believe that love is something that is not black or white, but gray. There are so many ways to be in love, and it's something that eventually happens to everyone, no matter straight, bi, or gay, black, or white, short or tall, and left handed and right handed. Love is something that is obtainable for everyone, along with the time or place that's right for everyone.
I also think that there is more than one kind of love. There's the love between a family; then there's a love between a man and a woman, and then there's the kind of love between friends.
The kind of love between a family is something that is forever, a bond so thick that they last forever. You can't shake your family, no matter how hard you try. They are there forever, and tease you when you do something stupid, but yet are there for you when you fall flat on your ass and need a friend.
The kind of love between a man and a woman (well it's not always between a man and a woman, but you all know what I mean) is sexual, and eternal. It's something that can't be explained, yet is something that is sought after because it's so amazingly great. The joy of sex with someone that you really love (according to Sex and the City) is one of the best things on the planet. I still seek to find that love, even though sometime I question if I ever truely have touched it. It's the thing that leaves us tounge-tied, and it's the thing that leaves our heart pounding. The love of romance is so amazing.
The kind of love between friends is also amazing. This love I know I found, with two really amazing people; Charlotte, and Samantha. They are the ones I cry to. The ones I gloat to. The ones that I hate to disappoint. They are the ones that you call when you've got good news or the bad news. I know I can count on them. Of course, I always can count on Chris to bother but that's a different story altogether.
Love. The most complicated thing in the world, that yet is so simple. We think we know everything about it, but really we know nothing, we just know tiny tid-bits of information of it.
Maybe that's all we do know.

To Be...Or Not to Be.

Serious relationships...What do they mean? Do they mean getting married, or just being in love? Is the goal to get married? Is that with all of the relationships out there have a common thing, to eventually break, or to make it to the alter?
To be in love is something that is the most incredible thing on the planet, so I've heard. I believe that I truly have never been in love, only believed that I did, based on what I thought was love, based on crappy love songs by Nevershoutnever, and the whole Twilight thing. I guess that love something that you actually feel, not something that you think you should feel.
A serious relationship is something that could or could not see the end of the road. People could just be together for their lives, without a ring on their finger. People could just be afriad to take that next step in a relationship.
Marriage of course, is the eternal promise that two people would fall in love forever, and be bound to each other from the day of the vow, until the promise is being made. Marriage is a promise that many people see and witness.
Do I believe in marriage? I'm not sure. I want the wedding, but the commitment is something that scares me even more than heights.  Even when I was in love, I was always scared that they would leave me. I was scared that they would leave me heartbroken. And did they? Yes. But, that's the risk one has to take, if they like someone, you have to be willing to let them break your heart. You're strong. I know I could handle anything, because I know relationships are like nature: you got to let them take it's course.

Stay Classy While Internetting.

Somethings on Facebook just bug me. I mean come on, Facebook is a public place. Stop being such a whore everyone.

Here's some things that irk me. What irks you readers?:

1. Myspace pictures. Yo, this ain't myspace. Facebook isn't a place that you can show off your goodie, hoe. No one wants to see your body. Don't take mirror pictures either, unless you're really bored, and they came out all good looking. But don't post them everyday..just to get attention. That's ain't classy hoe. 
2. Don't post every thought that comes in your mind. Yes, I understand, there's a lot of thoughts in your mind, and they kinda are not important. Statuses shouldn't consist of the words hit me up. If you want people to text you you have a phone. Just text them, you idiot. 
3. Use proper english. I mean you go to school for a reason?

Well those are some of the things that irk me on Facebook...I would rant longer but I have a pile of homework that should be done...do I want to do it? No..but ohh well..

Personal means Personal.

You all know that I write about my personal probelms on this blog on a daily basis. You all probably know who I bitch about and who I have romantic interest in.
After some drama that have happened last year, I've decided to not to post anything about the guys that I have feelings for, and the step closer to being more than friends with someone. I think that by writing about it for the internet people to see, I feel like it's basically saying "hey you, I like you," which in my opinion is not an option for me to do. I think that by not posting anything about the subject of who I'm into is a way that it stays between me and that other person, in addition to my three closest friends, Chris, Charlotte, and Samantha, because I trust them.
By doing this, I feel that what happened between me and Luke Danes wouldn't happen again. If you enjoyed that part of my blog, I'm sorry about that, but I don't want to screw things up again. Personal means personal. Who I'm dating is personal. It's no longer going to be an area in my blog. Sorry guys.

The Last Day.

So today's the last day of the summer. Well, not by calendar, but by the fact that school starts in less than twenty four hours.
Oh damn.
So I guess I should make a list of things that I should do for this year. But I'm too lazy, which would probably be the cause of senioritis. Of course, I'm going to have to snap out of it, because I need to get college shit done. I should probably get on that.
So today, party like a freaking rock star. Enjoy life, because tomarrow you're going to be sitting in a classroom, bored out of your mind.
Happy school year everyone!

Role Models.

Lately, I haven't been able to sleep for some odd reason. So, I've been using some pillow spray, and it helps me fall asleep. But, my insomia is not the point. The point is when I was having trouble sleeping, I began thinking about role models, and who I considered to be one for me. I came up with a bunch of people, some famous, some not, but they all mean something to me, and something about them always inspires me to do better than what I have done in the past.
Okay, so it's list time:

• My mother is always going to be a role model to me, even though sometimes, or pretty much everyday, we hardly ever get along. She has taught me independence, something that I feel is important to learn. She raised a child, from a toddler, to a teenager, with no help of anyone. She took on the role of a single parent, taxi driver, and friend, for fourteen (I think) years. So, good job Mom!
• My second role model is my friend Charlotte. She is one of the most carefree people on the planet, and she taught me that it's okay to be a little crazy about someone who may or may not be crazy about you. I taught her how to make friendship bracelets, she taught me lessons about love. Fairly even trade. (Oh, in addition to that, she introduced me to the lovely talents of the Glee Cast.)
• Another role model is a person that I've known for about a year, who I don't feel like naming, because I'm too lazy. He taught me that it's okay to talk about your probelms, because there are people out there to listen to them, because there are good men out there, they just hide in the shadows of the bad ones. 
• Lorelai Gilmore. I'm a diehard Gilmore Girls fan, and she's really funny. She's another person who taught me how to be independant, and how to bring several pop culture references into an everyday conversation.
• Carrie Bradshaw. (Hey, I'm a Sex and the City fan..shoot me.) She got me into the whole writing thing, and she's just one tough broad. She has increduble insight on men, clothes, and people, and she's someone I look up too. (However, I'm not a fan of the smoking, Miss Carrie)

There are so many people out there in the world. Billions...I think. I'm not good with numbers. But, out of the many people you see in the world, some just rub off on you in some ways that you can't help but be changed. (I'm now thinking of the song "For Good" from Wicked.) Anyways, they become role models in your life, and you can't help but be changed, for good.

The Giant Melting Pot of People.

In life, we have to experiance different kinds of people, some good, some bad. and some of in the middle faces who tend to blend to people that you never see. Today, I had a mixture of the good, and the bad.
Today, I spent some time with my girl Charlotte. It's always good to spend some girltime, just you and your best friend, because they see the good, the bad, and the ugly, and they still love you. They will love you if your hair was short or long, they will love you if you are forced to wear the world's ugliest sweater from Grandma, and they just love you because you are you, and friends love you for that reason. Best friends are the ones you call up when you're together with someone and want to talk about, and then when they're gone. That, and who else can you be a total idiot with, and get away with it?
Then there are the bad people...the ones who annoy you, and the ones that you really don't like, because you're mad for someone else, and don't want to be bothered by the creepy person on a daily basis. They drive you mad, but with the help of someone good, it's all good!
People are like bags: always different. Some last forever, some don't.

Mothers and Daughters

I'm currently reading the book Reviving Orphelia. (great book by the way, I totally recommend it.) Today, I reached the chapter about mothers and daughters, and I got to thinking. So I put my thinking cap on. (Yes, I just said thinking cap...deal with it bro)

Mothers and daughters tend to be in two extremes-never get along, like Lorelai and Emily Gilmore, or the best of friends, like Rory and Lorelai (yes, I just used Gilmore Girls as a reference, but keep in mind, I haven't seen them in close to a month, I'm going through withdrawel here.) Is the relationship between mother and daughter something that will always change over time, when the daughter is a teenager and rebels, but then later on realizes that her mother is her friend, not her foe, and when the daughter is one day forced to take care of the mother in her old age, reversing the role of caretaker.

Mothers sometimes, can be a pain in the ass, not going to lie. Sometimes, they tend to think that they are all that, and decide to be the daughter's best friend, not her mother. Sometimes, a mother needs to be a friend, so the daughter can come to her mother whenever she has problems in life, and then sometimes, she needs to pull the “mom card.”

My mother and I have a weird relationship, I guess. Sometimes, she can be my best friend, and sometimes, she can be annoying. I guess as the author of the book says, that's normal for a teenage girl and her mother. I sometimes feel weird if I ask her for some boy advice.

A mother is someone that will always be there for always. She was the one that took care of you before you were born. She gave birth to you. She took care of you when you were little, and unknowingly cried and kept her up all night. A mother is someone who will be there to mend your scabbed knee, and your broken heart. Sometimes, we may fight with them, but all is well in the end.