Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Stomach and Heart Aches.

I should charge my phone.
I should start studying for my AP pyschology test tomarrow. I know nothing about what's on the test, but I just don't want to. I want to cuddle with someone that will tell me that I'm not a complete basket case, and that they find me to be an interesting person.
A girl can dream right?
I wish that I can still converse with someone on a daily basis, see him at night. I wish that he didn't have to go, although I should have prepared myself for the loss. I wish that I had spent more time with him, because now that the time is gone, I wish and would give anything for it to come back.
I miss you Grandpa.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

A Bunch of Sad Things in the Rain.

I'm sad.
No one is responding to my texts. Ohhh well.
It's raining out.
I thought I should let you know that. It's making me sad.
I miss the good old days when I didn't have to think about anything other than flowers, dolls, and cookies. Being a little kid was bad ass.
Now I feel like everything has become more complicated and emotional. Someone once told me that it's best to feel things, even though a life with out our emotions seems like the ideal way to go. But on rainy days like this, I wish that my emotions would let go, and sometimes although I know I'll be happy, it just seems too far away.
Maybe I'm just lonely, or unhappy with the way that my life has turned out. I guess no one has or can change this but myself. I try to reach out, but I guess that I annoy people away. Maybe I'm that silly. Maybe I need to stand on my own two damn feet. Maybe I need a therapist. Maybe I should start studying for pyschology. Maybe I should prepare for the college interview. Maybe I should stop waiting for a miracle. Maybe a miracle would be fedexed to my feet.

Monday, November 28, 2011

You Know.

My grandfather always used to tell me that if you want something done right, you best do it yourself. Okay, good point Grandpa. But here's the thing. If you are doing something with four people, and you are the only person that is doing EVERYTHING then you have a probelm right there. If you can gossip, then you could put something in your hand and do a little work just saying.
And you know what? My personal life is my personal life. It's not yours to talk about. It's not yours to pick up and make fun of. I make my own damn decisions, and if you have something to say about my life, then that's fine. It's not your business to go and talk about it, because I don't do the same to yours. So get your shit together, and leave me the hell out of this.
I really want some chocolate. Oh, wait I had some already. It was a chocolate snow man. They are so good, especially with the marshmellows. Yum.
And someone to talk to.
Maybe I should get a therapist.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Sundays.

I honestly had a long list of things that I wanted to write about. But, I couldn't pick just one. I mean, there is so many topics I could write about, so many serious things so many not so serious things. Like cookies. That's something worth writing about. Or. About that amazing cupcake that I had just had finished eating, I swear Julia's bakery has the best baked goods on the planet. Like if you haven't been there, you should go, because your mind would be blown. You would want to marry the cupcakes. I am that dedicated to my cupcakes. Try the birthday cake or the canoli ones. You will never be the same again.
I spose I am stalling. I know what's really on my mind. The subconscious says it all. I am going mad, and I don't like going mad, because, although Chris seems to think that I am crazy, I am actually pretty normal, underneath the whole loving food kind of thing. I wish that I could catch a break, because my life, for the past two months has been nothing but depression. I know that if I tried, I can get the hell out of this whole, and live.
And that's exactly what I'm going to do. I've stumbled, and fallen, but hey bitches I'm going to go even harder than before because I'm one tough bitch. I may have my bad days, but that's just the way life is. I'm one bad bitch, who doesn't take anything from no one. What I've gone through to be the person I am today has only made me stronger, the tears, and the whole I am a depressed person jag. I want to prove that I can do anything, because I can. After all, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Mothers.

Mothers and daughters have  the wierdest relationships in my book.We fight, and then we become the best of friends. Wierd isn't it?
Mothers are the people who gave birth to us. You get one set of parents, and after that, that's it. Mothers are the ones that know what's best for us, and are not afraid to tell us. Mothers are the people that know when to say stop eating that, it's too unhealthy, or it will make you fat. Some mother and daughters are best friends, like Lorelai and Rory Gilmore. Others are worst enimies, like Emily and Lorelai Gilmore.
My relationship with my mother is one of the wierdest things that I can explain. We don't really talk about things, like relationships. I am close to my mother, but at the same time, I wish I wasn't afraid to be closer. I am afraid of her judging me for the things that I write, the way that I feel, and for even crying. I am afraid of in the future she will judge me based on all of those feelings, so the best thing to do is to not tell her anything and hope that she doesn't notice.
But at the same time, I look up to my mother. She is one strong bitch. She raised a kid and a dog on her own, with little help from her astranged husband. She relied on her parents, and when her Dad was diagnosed with dementia, she braved it week after week until the day he had died. She cries, and has her bad days just like everyone else, showing me that she is indeed human. I hope to one day grow up to be that strong independant woman that my mother has become, and even though there are days when I want to rip her own head off, I wish that in the deepest ways that I grow up to be just like her, and that I can truly do her justice by making her proud of me.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Be sure to eat a lot of turkey, and remember...the Charlie Brown specical is on at eight o'clock tonight. :D
Anyways, now is the time for me to say what I'm thankful for.
I'm thankful for my friends, family, and God. I'm thankful for the people who told me I couldn't do anything, you just made me want do it even more. I'm thankful for the people who take time out of their day to read my silly little blog, to read some words that I type on my own free will. I'm thankful for the music that I listen to, because without you, I wouldn't be able to function properly. I'm thankful for the memories of my grandfather, because they will get me through missing him. I'm thankful for the friend that I walk with every morning, and spam with texts because I need someone to talk to. I'm thankful for Charlotte, and Sookie, because they are always there for me, even when I act like an idiot. When I'm sad, you guys will actually listen to me, and try to make me feel better. Thank you for the girl's days, the memories, and the music recomendations. I'm thankful for Christopher's brutal honesty, because sometimes you need a slap in the face...(heeehee). I'm thankful for my health. I'm thankful for Snoopy, cookies, Gilmore Girls, and cupcakes, because you guys help me feel better when I'm sad.
What are you thankful for?

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Feelings..

I often wonder about love. Why does it make us crazy? Why is it such a drug, that when the drug is over, then there would be withdrawel? Why are we so scared to embrace love, one of the most simple things on the planet, with out the fear for being hurt.
I got to thinking.
If we live on the safe side, for love, or for anything else, we truly don't live. We truly don't know what to feel, or what to do. We live our life dry, like toast without butter, just because we are afraid of truly living. The worst that can happen to us is that they say no to us. Then you know, and then you move on? (I've been watching a lot of the Friend Zone, lately.) If you have something to say, get the balls and just say it, don't waddle in the shallow end of the pool for the fear of drowning.
I want to take risks...maybe go for that diving board. I dunno.
I think that if you like someone, even if they are your friend, you should tell them, because if you feel that way, then you should express it. Then you could either have a relationship, or an awkward situation, but if you truly are friends, then the awkwardness should overlook itself.
I guess love is something that is worth the risk.
I really oughta stop watching reality TV

Monday, November 21, 2011

To Not Feel.

I was once told that you can overcome things to become stronger. Someone told me that while I was freaking out. I was told that when there was a will, there was a way. I wish that there was no emotion other than happiness, because sadness can always overcome it, and get rid of it. I wish that I had more people to actually listen to what I have to say. I wish for sunny days, versus this stupid clouds of gray.
I can't take being unhappy anymore. I want to feel like I mean something, that I can get out of this stupid hole of migranes, heartburn, and crying over things. I feel like crap simply, and no one gives a shit.
I want to be happy. Where is this happy? Hi happy, where are you? Have you missed me? Because I miss you. I want someone to tell me I mean something to them, to make me feel a tad bit better, to support me, to make everything okay, to assure me that everything will be okay. I don't want to worry about things like AP pyschology, or getting into the college of my dreams. I don't want to have to worry about the food that goes into my mouth, whether or not it's going to make me sick. I just want to sit on my couch, watch Gilmore Girls, eat white chocolate, and have a giant stuffed Snoopy to snuggle with. Pathetic, yes? But hey, a girl has to relax somehow.
I really need a hug.
And a miracle.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Heart Speaks, Heart Wins.

Okay so happy Friday everyone!
I don't know what to write about. All I know is that I felt like writing, and I have heartburn, which I've been getting a lot of lately. It's not a fun time.
Is it bad to think a guy with a girlfriend is cute? Hmmm...
Okay, I'm done. I'm not Hester Prynne either. Ohh well, I still don't think he's that cute. I like someone else much better.
ANYWAYS ENOUGH ABOUT THAT!
Oh wait, I'm writing based on my thoughts. Stupid thoughts.
Anyways, I really feel like talking. To someone that I trust. So, there are people that have my number out there, you should use it. (that was a horrible sentence, but who cares.) I like to be heard, not ignored.
There's one thing that I wish more than anything. I wish that I didn't waste the time that I had. I don't know what was in my mind, all I know that I was stupid. He had never treated me kindly, and someone else did, and that wasn't fair to that person who I ditched. I don't feel bad because of the way I got treated, I feel bad because I was wrong. I wish that I could take it back, and not be taken like a fool. I hope that even when I'm gone, and at whatever college I plan to be at, that we will still be what we are today, because I will miss talking to you on a day to day basis, and hopefully we can do our best to maintain it.
I don't know what I was talking about...I think the person who will read this will know I'm talking about them. So hi person. Thank you for everything!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

To Support

I often wonder about my feelings. Are they something that is legit?
Are they real? Are they just illusions of my mind? In addition to that,
I wonder if my needs are weird. I need someone to talk to, when I'm lonely
at night. I wonder if that's a bad thing.
I wonder most of all about the meaning of love. Or the emotion. I
wonder if the love that a mother and daughter share is something that
means the most, or something that doesn't mean anything at all.
Sometimes, we say something that we don't actually mean, and then we
cause mayhem. We don't fully appericate people, I guess that's only
human. But at the end of the day, we do love each other, sometimes we
just need to learn how to say it exactly. Sometimes, we're afraid that
the ones who love us the most are the ones that will judge us the most
harshly, and therefore leave them out of the loop.
I often wonder about the relationships between friends. You have good
friends, and then you have the ones that you have the strangest ones
with. Good friends, like Charlotte, are always there for you, through
the storms, the sunny weather, and even when you want to scream into a
pillow. I often wonder if I'm even a decent friend, because I seem to
be the lonilest person at night, and I don't mean not to annoy
someone, I just want to have someone to talk to. Then, there are the
friends who call you a dumbass, and a whore. They are not the friends
that you should have, because friends are people that support you the
most, in addition to parents, and if someone who you think is your
friend insults you, and or is rude to you, then you don't need them in
your life. Especially the ones who call you a dumbass, those aren't
needed, nope.
Maybe at the end of the day, we could use the support and the support
from love. Maybe if you love someone, then you can tell them, instead
of keeping them guessing. Or keep them hanging on, *cues Kim
Wilde*..hey a friend introduce me to her. Hi friend that introduced me
to her. I think that he's reading so I figured that I would say hello.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Life's Too Short.

Yesterday I realized something.
I watched a person go into the ground, because they had died, and decided to be buried. Anyways, it got me thinking.
It got me thinking about how we worry about so much, about how many hours there are in a day, how much we can get done, and how much stress we put ourselves under each and everyday. And then, we just end up ih the ground.
Life is too short. Let's screw rules. Let's screw everything that involves us to worry about things that we normally would worry about. Let's take risks, and not give a shit about whether or not they hurt. We could die at any moment, and yet, we sit here worrying about things like money.
I think that at the end of the day we should concentrate on one thing. To be happy. Being happy is something that we will get the most out of in life, either the big things or the little things. I think that's what my grandfather meant. After all, we only have one shot to live, and if we screw it up, we screw it up. I want to get out there, learn to take risks, and if I mess things up, then they are messed up. I don't understand why I used to live my life worrying about what I did-it's done. I can only control myself, right now. I can't control others, nor can I control what I did in the past. Lessons can be learned from the mistakes you did, because we are human, we make mistakes, and then you live and learn from them. Y
I want to get out and live. What's the point of staying at home, dreaming, and talking to your cat? (Or pet, whatever you people may have.) Being upset about something, whether a death, I know is something that is difficult to get over, but you can never worry about not being able to live. To move on, but never forget, is to live. The people who stand by you, between good and bad, they help you do that, whenever you want to talk about things that bother you, or things that you're upset about. (I think whoever's reading this knows who they are, and who I'm referring to.)
I want to live.
I want to dance.
I want to write.
I want to live.
I want to get married, in the same church where my grandparents did.
I want to be able to forgive.
I want to run.
I want to go to college.
I want freedom.
I want independance.
I want someone to love, and someone to love me.
I want to have children.
I want to go to Italy.
I want to have a bestseller.
I want to be able to forgive, and forget.
And, most of all, I want world peace.


And 15,000 words bitches!

Friday, November 11, 2011

If I

I'm sad.
Today, I went to the cementary. I realized already that it's been a month since his death. And he was a veteran. So it's like a double wammy. And I can't believe that he's actually dead. I always knew that this day was coming, I should have been grateful for all of the extra time, because he was suffereing. I remember how he looked, and those sad eyes, and I wish that he was still here.
It's a thing that I cry about at night.
I often wish he would be able to walk me down the aisle, or at least see me walk down the aisle.
I wish that I would be able to be happy like he said.
I wish that I had someone to help me be able to do so...

Oh, and happy 11/11/11. Boys ask a girl out. Because being asked out today would be the most romantical thing on the planet. And I'm almost at 15,000 words :)

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Veterans.

Oh say, can you see?
By the dawn's early light....
I'm not very good at remembering things such as lryics. Ohh, well. That's not the point of me writing this stupid blog.
I mean. Hi, hello, hi.
How's life everyone whose reading this? I hope it's good.
Anyways, what was I going to say again? Oh yeah I remember now!
Anyways, veterans are the important people that save us from the bad guys of our country. They put their life on the line, day in and day out, just to make sure our freedoms are safe. They make sure that we have the freedoms, and that no one can take them away from you.
I thank my freedom to the thousands of people that spent their time trying to ensure that I'm safe, in addition to one veteran who will always stand in my heart.
RIP Grandpa. I know your own war was dementia, instead of a given enemy, but you deserve a shout out. Thank you for driving around our soldiers. Thank you for everything. And thank you for teaching me how to fight.
Love you. Miss you.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

To Fear the Fear.

There is nothing to fear, but fear itself.
Bullshit.
I'm scared. I'm scared of falling. I wonder if I did if someone would be there to catch me when I fell. I wonder if they would let me fall, even though in my heart of hearts, I knew that I would be fine. I knew that I would be fine, if I could open myself up to someone. But the whole thing, that whole aspect of falling in love makes me scared. I don't know if it's because of relationships that I've had in the past, or if it was something that I could never truly open my self up to doing, I have to do it.
I want to be able to live my dream. I don't want to be too scared to do something, just because I'm afraid to do something, nor get hurt. To be scared of something is insane. Being scared is something silly. But yet, here I am, scared.
I want to stop fearing, and start living.

PS; 11050 words! :D

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Dear Dad.

Writing things always help me feel better. So, here's somethings written...
Dear Dad,
They say the first man you ever admire is your father. They say that the relationship between father and daughter is something that is oh so important. The father is the one that gives you away when you get married, right Dad?
Funny how you're not in my memories.
Funny how my grandpa is in my first memories.
And where were you Dad?
I gave you chance after chance, to make things better, to make us a normal family. But, at the end of the day, I'm the dumbass that got hurt. Look where that got me. You don't care about me. Alongs as I'm a part of your perfect damn image, you don't care. You couldn't even show up to my grandfather's funeral. But it's a good thing you didn't. You might burst into flames when you walk into church.
I hope you know that I want nothing to do with you, not now, not ever again. You will never see me ever again, I don't want you to be at my high school graduation, to watch me go to prom, and of course, walk me down the aisle.
You screwed up, Dad.
Don't blame anyone else for it.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Have you ever Heard the Wolf Cry?

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the full blown moon?
Or ask the grinning bob cat, why he grins?
(inserts more words I forgot.)
I often spend a lot of my time in the past, drowning in things that already happened, when people that you love were alive.
I know that I'm acting like a complete child, but today, for some odd reason I began to cry while listening to that song, Colors of the Wind by Vanessa Williams. It's not really an emotional song, but I went to one of those free concerts that they have in New Haven with my grandpa once.
So then I started to think about him.
And it made me cry, because I realized I would never see him again in this lifetime. He would never see me graduate high school, or walk me down the aisle when I get married. It something that I guess that it's a hard thing to come to terms with.
I hate crying. Okay, it's good for you, and all, but I just hate it. Especially when there's no one there to tell you that you're going to be okay. And all that you're doing is just sitting there crying by yourself, and it sucks.
Meh.

Friday, November 4, 2011

A Sappy Little Post of the Good and the Bad and the Ugly.

I guess love is something that I often question. I often question the meaning, where would one find it, where could I stumble upon it, so my little world can be turned upside down. I often wonder about fate, about how it all works, about whose really the one that I will marry, and actually stay married to for longer than 72 days (sorry Kim.) I wonder if the chills that I get have anything to do with you, and then I don't wish that they would stop because then I could feel something.
I guess that a father's love is something that I've always wanted, craved and desired. I want my dad to be in my life, but I realize that it's no longer possible. I don't want to hurt myself, because I don't want to put myself through a bunch of lies, a bunch of jabs, and having to go through a battle everytime I see him. I guess that at the end of the day, I made the decesion to no longer have any ties with him with myself in mind. Selfish? Yes. But at the end of the day, being selfish is something that you have to do to protect yourself.
I often think about the last time I ever saw my grandfather. The way his eyes looked, sad and gray. I remember him saying "be happy." I remember walking out of that room, realized that I would never be able to see him alive again. I remember tripping over the machine...and almost knocking him out...sorry Grandpa. It breaks my heart to think about things like that, but sometimes, I want to talk about it.
Love, death, and anger.
What a wierd amount of emotions....

Oh, and 5780 words!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Really?

Yesterday, something happened at our school. A student had taken a steal pole, and tried to break a window..wait I think he actually had broken a window. But not the point.
I really wish people would stop talking about it. You all didn't know him personally, so stop talking about it. I can only imagine what he, his family and his friends are going through, and you all spreading rumors seriously isn't a good thing. So, find something new to obsess about, like the Kardashians, because they like being the center of attention, and leave the kid alone. Apparently, Kim's getting a divorce, and I'm sure that's something much more interesting for you to obess about.
Alright?
Thank you.

Oh, and 4556 words baby!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

To Be Happy.

Be Happy.
Those were a few of the last words, other than good bye my grandpa said to me, and my cousin. What did he mean by those words? Now that he's gone, I will never truly know why those words were the one of the last to come out of his mouth.
Be happy.
The words be happy are the ones that should be the most simple two little words on the planet, but in fact they are the words that society has made the most complicated. To be happy has little to do with material pocessions, although when I buy shoes and stuff, I am the most happiest person on the planet, for that moment, until later when you regret your purchase.
To be happy, you enjoy the simple things. Like watching a peanuts special on tv. Those always make someone smile. Or at least I do. Anyways, happiness is chocolate chip cookies. Happiness is cupcakes. Happiness is finding someone to love. Someone who won't sell you out. Happiness is the friends around you, the memories that you will always share with your loved ones, so when you are forced to have a sad moment in your life, then you have someone who can cheer you up, as I have a little friend named Charlotte, who also got me to read Harry Potter.
Anyways.
Be Happy.

PS: 518 Words bro!