I'm Moving.

Okay, so I'm not actually going anywhere. But, my blog is. After almost two years, and 338 posts, my time here at Notations has drawn to a close. I want to start a new chapter in my life, and sometimes, having a blank slate to do so, is the best thing. I want to find my own voice, whatever it may be, so I'm starting a new chapter in my blog.
Come visit me here: http://findingmyownvoice7.blogspot.com/
Peace!

Thats So What...?

For school, I have to write a paper about the phrase that's so gay. And that got me thinking about the whole thing. So, here's my own opinion of the whole subject.
I think it's stupid that people use the term that's so gay to describe things in a negative manner. Like, if you want to say something is stupid, you say something is stupid. You don't target a racial or group, because that's just offensive.
I have many friends who a gay or bi. They are the nicest people on the planet. When you say 'that's so gay', you may or may not realize what you are doing, or saying. When I hear that saying, I hear nails on the chalkboard. I think of the struggles of the gay community, how hard it is for someone to admit to themselves, and their families, that they are gay, and there may be some people who were once friends, became their enimies. They have to have a sense of honesty with themselves, in addition to the world around them, that they are different, and want different things than perhaps others day. I give them so much credit, and respect, because they have to go through that, and coming out to someone seems like the hardest thing for someone to do, because they worry that maybe people won't look at them the same way.
To all of the people who that's so gay, please stop it. It is rude, and hurtful. It's bullying, to put it simply, it's a word that should not be used, and should be extinct from our vocabulary. So, please think about what you're saying. And then, if you doubt it, shut your mouth.
Thank you.

Sonny Days

Sunshine can overshine the worst of sadness. 
Memories of jokes and laughter sometimes can overshadow the pain. 
I remember you happily telling me your days in the army. 
I remember your eyes in pain. 
I remember you singing 'buckbuckbuck, how many fingers up'. 
I remember you screaming in pain.
I remember your jokes. 
I remember you saying goodbye. 
Sonny days overshadow overshadow rain. 
When my life has become too much for me to handle. 
I pray for your guidance,
And then I remember, 
That with every storm, 
There will be a sonny day to come. 

 Rest In Peace Grandpa

 And yes, I realized that I said I was going to take a break, but I changed my mind. Nothing wrong with that, eh?

Some times.

Since my last blog entry, a lot has been happening in my life, and I've been feeling pretty low lately. Drama, pressure for college, driving, paying for college, relationships, being lonely, missing my grandfather, being a teenage girl, high school, and the drama that comes along with my father. Basically I'm overstressed, and underpaid (kidding).
I promise I will get better. In time, I will.
I also wanted to take a little time away from my daily blogging, until spring break. I need the time to breathe. I will be back, I promise. Just let this week go by.

The Real Natalie.

Hi, my name is Natalie Anna-Maria. I am going to be eighteen years old in July, and I believe people have misconceptions about me, which I would like to change.
I am not a fake person, so if you heard that it isn't true. I'm not the type of person that would however be the one to tell you that I have a problem with you, because I'm afraid of starting drama, whether you might be my best friend or my family member. If I have a problem with you, chances are you are the last person I would talk to about, because I'll admit it, I'm scared of fixing problems, because I suck at thinking of the perfect thing to say. I don't know how to say I have a problem with you, let's fix it. I just avoid you for the rest of my life, because I don't want to do something stupid.
This may sound weird, but this is the only way to say this: It's really hard to be me. I grew up with out a Dad, and to this day, I never got to know him. I wonder what my life would be like if my dad was around. I wonder who my dad is, and sometimes, I'm angry with him, and sometimes, I want to get to know him. Both situations hurt me, because due to my worst flaw, I am unable to say what's really on my mind, with him. Maybe that's why I am the way that I am, in the first place. I also was VERY close to my grandfather. Like he basically was my only paternal figure that I had. When he died, I first was hysterical. For days. I still kind of feel horrible about it. I only not lost him, I watched him lose his mind, and on my sixteenth birthday he basically acted like something was taking over him. He was screaming, and swearing. He was at the nursing home, and we went to visit to bring him some cake. He was distraught because my grandmother had left early (after spending six to seven hours at a nursing home). I remember that he would get up, scream "Fuck you people!" and scream like something was killing him. To this day, I try to avoid speaking about it, because it hurts too much. But, now I want to talk about it, and to the science nerd who has somehow read every entry that I've written (so he's said) I would like to someday discuss these emotions with you.
My biggest fear is come June that I will lose two people that mean the world to me. I put you two through hell, don't think I don't know that, and for that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that at times, I tell you to go away, or that I hate you. You two are the people that I'm closest too, my little sissy, and my therapist. You are the only two people who I know I can trust, and cry to. When something bad happens, I can count on you two to make things better. I trust you two, and hope that in college, I can still remain very close with both of you.
I am Natalie Anna-Maria. I basically want people to know that I'm not crazy. I have a lot on my plate, and I want some control in my life.
I want to say "no", and people not make me say why I think the way that I do.
I wish that I had someone to love me, and told me that everyday.
I wish for someone to say that I'm special to them.
I wish someone would text me to just say hello.
I wish for world peace.
I wish that I could see my grandfather one more time.
I wish people didn't have to put me in a catergory.
I wish that I was stronger.
I wish that I could open up to more people.
I wish that I wasn't a bitch.
I wish that I didn't feel like I didn't matter.
I wish that people wouldn't bully others based on race, wieght, and family.
I wish for love. Not just for me. But for everyone.

We're All Different

Today, I decided to watch the news for the first time in who knows how long. And want to know the first thing that I see? A headline about a celebrity that people are complaining are too heavy or fat. My first thought was ' grandma don't change the channel, I want to watch it,' my second thought was 'what does it matter if someone was too fat or thin', it should matter what they think or what they say, or do. Judging by appearance is something that is really stupid in my opinion. Why would you put someone in a catergory? So you can judge them? So that the people who don't fit into them would feel like they don't matter and don't fit in with the rest of the world? And then you make them feel sad?
Why do we put people through this? When people go to take standardized tests, they have to check one box-either black, white, asian, or others? But we are selling people short, with doing so. To me, it's like saying it's either this or that.
Life is not a black or white catergory. There's a whole gray area in our lives that we chose to ignore, the people who don't fit the mold, the people that make the mold.
Whether you're not solely one culture, or you're the only one that you know whose a size ten instead of zero, that doesn't make you ugly or wierd. It makes you different. Sometimes, being different can be difficult. But, it's a good thing. Society doesn't understand that people are not just the Barbie dolls, blond and thin and busty. There are people who aren't thin.
There are people who aren't blonde.
There are people who don't have boobs.
But, that doesn't matter. They are still beautiful. As Lady GaGa would say you were born this way baby!

Future

Until now, I haven't given that much thought to my future, meaning that I always thought that I would be young forever and not grow old.
However senior year of high school came along and changed everything. I realized that I am almost a legal adult and really need to think about my future and life plans. What would I do? Who would I be? Famous? Smart?
After June, I will be attending college. I will be getting a degree of some sort in English, because I plan to be a writer. I hope that during that time I will write a book, which would be published, and then pay for all of the debt that I will be in college.
 Maybe, I'll go to graduate school, I haven't decided that part. I always wanted to go to Yale for that.
After college, I plan to get a job of some sort. Probably teaching even though I am not patient or anything. I don't plan to be working in that profession for that long. I plan on writing while working, however, once I make a comfortable living with writing my books I plan to quit.
Family is also something that is key to my future. I want my children to have both parents in their lives, and a relationship with both of us. I want to get married, sometime in my mid twenties. I want to be in love when I'm young. However there is no set date when I would meet the guy, or anything, it's just my dream. I want to enjoy things when I'm young.
Also, I want to hopefully marry a doctor or a lawyer. Mainly because while my husband is at work, I can take care of my children, while maintaning the career of a writer. I hope between my husband and I, we have the opportunity to give our children security. I would like kids, if I can have them. Maybe adopt one. That would be cool.
If all goes well, basically, I plan to be an author with a family. Kinda like the Weasleys from Harry Potter. I always admired Mrs. Weasley...But plans, do change. However, I just want to be happy. Perhaps, the main goal of all of this is to be happy.
Wow, Grandpa. You were right.

High School Is Getting Old.

High school drama is something that I feel is getting stupider and stupider. What she says, what he did, it's all a spinning wheel of drama and situations. Yes, I've been watching Secret Life of the American Teenager for the past hour.
I feel like drama such as someone stealing someone else's boyfriend, is extremely overrated, and unnecessary. I mean, if you're jealous of someone, don't try destroying their life to make yours better. Making someone cry doesn't make you happier. Trying to steal someone's boyfriend, or destroy their relationship would not make you with that person. They probably wouldn't think much, other than you are probably a slut, and an attention whore.
I guess that in a way, I think that high school is a rush of hormones, and when someone is on a rampage to destroy, they will use people as their chess game pawns. But is that the mature thing to do? I think not.
 I'm tired of people not trusting one another, and people that care more about themselves, then others. I'm tired of watching relationships become way more than they are expected. Isn't the point of a relationship is that you can have some company? Isn't the point of one to have fun together, have someone to come to when the time is bad, not rip the guy's throat off because he didn't bring you flowers, and tend to your needs. A guy should want to do those things, bitches, not you yelling at them to do so. You can't yell at them when they won't bring you flowers, you can't yell at them for having friends that, believe it or not, aren't you. Stop being so controlling, you stupid bitch.
Am I crazy to want a relationship and actually trust the guy? Or want to bond with people who are NOT my boyfriend? I mean, I haven't been in a relationship in a while, but shouldn't I want to be with a guy, and then my friends? I'm not Bella Swan, and I don't want things to be like Twilight.
Funny how relationships can cause so much drama...Here's to drama free relationships, raise our glass to trust, and open the door to space.
Together, we can make the drama cease.

There Is No Title.

Sundays used to be spent eating a concoction made by grandma, family around, laughing and eating. Then Sundays were spent at the retirement home, and now on the occasional Sunday, we are spending it at the cementary.
Holidays are often the worst for memories. They hurt because those are the good memories, and the good memories often feel like they are painful to think about. The memories of my grandfather, the ones that make me smile, or laugh are sometimes to painful to think about.
A stone now represents the memory. A black stone, shiny and gray, saying his name, dates, father, husband and grandfather. In a way, it seemed like it didn't represent him. But mostly, at least I knew what it was, another reminder that he is no longer with me. He may there somewhere in spirit, but when I go to prom, he won't be there to take the pictures, nor see me walk to Pomp and Circumstance. He will not be able to attend my graduation party, teach me how to drive Rosie, the honda. When I get my license, I plan to go over to see him, but somehow, I realize that it will never be the same.
I remember the day I went to take my permit test, and failed. I remember going to the reitirement home to see him, and I don't remember what exactly he said, but somehow I felt better. I think it was one of those rare days that he was up, and able to remember who I was. I wish that he was still here, because he always made everything better.
I often wonder about where my grandfather is. I often think about the last time I saw him, in a coffin. Eyes will never open again, in his favorite suit, tie, a cap, and a bunch of other things. I wish that I can see him just one more time, healthy. I want to know if he's proud of me, if he's happy, and what he thinks about the decesions that I have made. I often wonder what he would do if he met a few close friends of mine. I often wonder why it hurts too much for me to think about him, I don't know why I write so many blog entries about this subject, nor why do I talk about it as much or little as I do, but in the strangest way, sometimes expressing my emotions through word is the either the easiest thing for me to do, and at the same time, it's the hardest. Sometimes, I ask my friends for a hug, sometimes, it makes it a tad bit easier for me to bear. I wish that at the end of the day, there was a black or white answer on how to deal with grief, but there isn't. No one is the same, and no one deals with the same things equally.
I love you grandpa.
I miss you Grandpa.
Do you know that?

Love.

I have been busy over the last few days...sorry guys! I know you are deeply disappointed. Or not. Anyways, I haven't been writing because of the stresses of school and yeah. You all don't care. I should continue with today's entry now.
Today, in my second english class, we were talking about hate. How people hate on certain others, groups, and various others. In my sociology class, we learned about love, and marriage. So then, I got to thinking about this whole love thing. And it inspired me.
Love is something that is felt by anyone. We don't know what it's like, until we look until that someone's eyes. It doesn't matter about things like gender, race nor ethnicity. It doesn't matter if you are black or white, gay or straight. It's something that connects us to one another, to another human being. We all feel it, and others shouldn't try to fight it, because love is love, and we all deserve to be happy. Gays should be allowed to marry, because they are just as in love as Jack and Rose in Titanic were. We all deserve to say our 'I dos" to that special someone, whether they are the same or different sex, or race. Love is love.
I often watch the TV shows, and the movies, and I wonder about love. I wonder if I will ever find it, if I will ever find that someone. Maybe I will. I hope I do. Sometimes, being the crazy writer chick can be a little lonesome. 

Grandpa's Stories

Sometimes, when the weather didn't permit for me to play outside and my cousins weren't around, my grandfather would sit down in his worn blue recliner, to tell me stories. There were stripes in the fabric. And it rocked, back and forth.
He would tell me many stories, some about his business as a wholesale banana deliever, his days in the army or his family. They always had two things-wisdom and humor. He would joke so much in his stories my grandmother, who was currently dusting would stop just to shake her head and put her own two cents in.She was always interupting.
As the years from childhood turned in to adolescence, my grandfather got older as well. But until my junior year in high school, he would still go on telling me the stories, except due to dementia they would be shorter and more and more confusing. Nonetheless, we would still like to hear them. We knew his days were numbered, although I always thought there was a way that we can reverse the hands of time, although he began to not be able to walk or take care of himself.
Then one day, he entered the home, this time, unlike the others, he would never return home.
His stories ceased-but I always thought that they would be back again.
Dementia took the stories and the story teller a year later, on a crisp October day.
Now, his stories are like on dvr in my mind-when I want to hear them, when its not too hard for me to think about. I think about them, they be comforting me, when I miss him the most. I wonder if one day, I can tell the stories to my children. Or write a book. One or the other.

Whatever Happened to Courting?

In this society, we move in the fast lane. Fast internet, fast women (it's from a song), text messages getting sent at instant speed, and the ability to have your entire music and movies libary available to you at the click of a button. Has dating become of victim to the increasing desire of speed?
I guess that dating has fallen victim to the fast lane. I mean people have sex within weeks or months of meeting each other. Isn't sex supposed to be something that's meaningful, not just something you do when you're bored? Like seriously? You don't hand out your goodies to every passerby. Like a random stranger on the street, you don't go around saying that you're going to do him, and get him laid.
People should really love someone before getting into that kind of relationship. With love, your heart must do the talking. People shouldn't also have sex just to keep their boyfriends. If it was meant to be, then he would not be pressuring you to do so. If he is, dump his ass, and he'll whore with someone. You'll find someone who actually cares about you, and your values.
I think we should all think about the good old days. I think that the generations before us had the best ideas of dating-courting. Taking our time to taking that step. I think it's a good thing, to stop and smell the roses, especially when it comes to dating. Get to know that person, before the relationship. Or, at least know their last name. Because, it's cool to know that, before going the next step. Just saying.
I want a courtship. I saw this on TV. The guy asks the father (or in my case the mother) if they can ask the daughter out. Then, they go out on casual dates, and after the third, the guy asks if he can be in a comitted relationship. Then we be dating, and yeah.
I'm going to be single for a long time. Forever alone? Hell yes.

My Philosphy On Life.

The world that I live in, I've gone through so much bullshit and stuff, so I figured that everyone needs my input on it. Why? Cause I have my own damn ideas on how things are, and I should share it with the world. So. Prepared to be enlightened.

1. Some people like to see you happy. Others don't. And when the people who don't like to see you happy see you happy they will try to ruin it. So, pretend that they don't phase you, ignore them, and be happier. Chances are they will be bitching from the sidelines. Then, you can laugh at them bitching, because well they deserve it.
2. Pray for your enemies. Whether or not you forgive them, it's up to you. But be the bigger person and wish the person that you hate good fortune. That way, you don't hold grudges and let them go, and everything will be kosher. 
3. Chances are good to take. Whether they may be in  love or in life, sometimes putting yourself out there is a good thing, because then you can live. Life you need to live, not sit around on the sidelines. 
4. Don't control your boyfriend or girlfriend. If you can't trust them, talk to them about it. I don't think its fair to make someone feel like they are under control. If they have done something, like cheat on you, then there is like serious probelms, and that you shouldn't be with someone who cheats on you. 
5. Eat cookies. They make you smile.
6. Love before hate. Hate should be banned from your vocabulary.

Control?

Okay, so you all hear all of the things about the boyfriends controlling their girlfriends...but what about the girlfriends controlling their boyfriends? I mean if a guy controls a girl, then thats wrong, but what if a girl controls a guy? Like seriously if a girl pulls some of the things that guys pull with girls, is it okay?
I don't think it's okay. You're in a relationship right? You should love and respect the other person. You shouldn't tell them what to do. You shouldn't have to hold their phone for them while you're with them. They shouldn't have to pay for everything. They should be able to wear whatever they want, not what you want. They should have friends that are the opposite sex, no they should have as many friends as they desire, and you should be cool with it.
I think what relationships lack is trust. But if you can't trust someone, why are you with them? If you have trust issues, you should let the other person in, versus yelling at them and making them feel small. They don't deserve you being their mother, they don't deserve you yelling at them. Everyone whose in a relationship deserves a little bit of trust, and it goes a long way. Trust is what makes relationships work, and trust is what makes the world go around. If we trust each other, than we wouldn't have less probelms. But, if we do something that makes the trust break, then maybe we should talk about it with that person? Just saying.
Love is partially trust. Don't control someone just because you don't trust them. Maybe you shouldn't be with them.

Dear Former Friend,

Dear Former Friend,
You and I have been, what I thought were really close friends for a really long time. I thought that we would always be there for each other. I fulfilled my end of the deal, and I thought that you would too. When you were going through a breakup, I was there, ready to help you, and gave you advice when you needed it.
But, one day, a random stranger told me that you were spreading some kind of rumors about me. And all I can think of is why? Sure, we haven't exactly been on the best of terms, and sure, we haven't talked over the past few months, but really? You would go as far as to spread some kind of lie...just so I can be hurt. As you probably know, I have enough on my plate, and I don't need you to you know, do that.
But that's not my probelm. My probelm is why would you do that? Why would you spread some lies about me?
And then, when I try to talk to you, why would you ignore me like the plague?
What did I do, is all I want to know?
It hurts me to think that you would go around and spreading things about me, when I wouldn't spread anything about you. We were friends, we laughed and cried together. We celebrated our strengths, and worked through the bad times. When you needed help with a project, I was there. When you needed my  advice on your relationship, I was there. I know that I haven't been the best person, nor the most exciting person to hang around, but I at least deserve an explanation. I tried to make things right, and since you won't even give me the light of day, I guess that means that you won't even give me that.
Have a nice life,
Natalie.

What I learned From TV Shows...

Today, the media dominates how we think and view the world. Well, I decided to make a little entry about what I have learned from television shows from today, and ones from like the eighties:

1. From the hit show Glee, I learned that sometimes, things that are on your mind, are best said in song, and it's best to leave them up to song. Also, from Glee, I learned that it's okay to be different, and it's okay to be a loser, because your true friends will actually still love you, and the ones that are not your true friends would not love you. Losers unite!
2. From the show Jersey Shore, I learned from Ronnie and Sammi on how not to act in a relationship. Also, GTL is mandatory.
3. From Home Improvement, I learned that if you don't know what to do, then you should probably let someone who knows what they are doing do it. That way, you will avoid the risk of hurting yourself, and then it will be done right. Also, I learned that nice guys like Al always finish last, so we women have to help them out at times.
4. From the show Golden Girls, I learned that a smart remark can get you places. I love you Sophia Petrillo!
5. My last show is Gilmore Girls. I learned that sometimes, it's okay to be a babbling idiot. It's okay to make decesions with your heart. Then, you know that they are meant to be. 

I had more of them, but I forgot about them, because I didn't write them down when I first thought of this entry idea. Anyways, sometimes, TV can teach you things.

The Teachers.

There are teachers that make the difference. There are teachers that go the extra mile for us, day in and day out. There are teachers who bring their heart and soul into their jobs, and their kids, the ones who that leave their class every day smiling.
In my homestate of Connecticut, the governor is thinking of passing a bill that basically says that they are basing teacher's salaries based on student's test performances.When I heard about that, I literally felt my jaw drop. Tests are nothing but simple numbers. Tests only show one part of you, not the complete picture, and by basing the salaries on that number is complete bull. Just think of the day that you took an important test. Chances are you were nervous, causing you to choke on it, and not performing as well as you could have. That still happens, sir. Times have changed, since you were a kid, but I believe nerves are something that remain timeless.
Like, sir Malloy, you are solely basing someone based on the quantity of something, not the quality. I think that a fine man like yourself would agree its the quality of something, not the quantity of something that matters. In the world of education, that statement matters more than anything.
My one of my English teachers is the type of lady that gives her heart and soul to her job. She devotes her life to her job, has food in her classroom for the students that either don't have any or can not afford any, she spends a lot of time making lessons that she thinks will give us insight, and basically gives her heart and soul to help one of us, even though the kids she teaches aren't exactly the ones that would get the highest scores on tests, the class is something that gets you thinking. If your bill comes to pass, then she will have to worry every year during the CAPT test if she will have a job.
I think sir, you really have to think of what you are doing before you do it. Think of the students who will lose their fine education. Think of the teachers who teach us the things that are not taught on the tests. Life is much more than a standardized test. Life is about the things you learn, how you learn them, what you do with them, and where they take you, not a black or white answer on a test.

Time To Make Amends.

Life is too short to make people hate you. Any minute can be your last, and we can say things that we wish that we hadn't, but at the same time, we don't say things that we want to say. Like with friends that we've had fights with, or people who we wish to tell our feelings to. We want them in our lives, but due to fear or nerves, we stay far away, fearing their reactions.
There is no time like the present. There is no time, like today to make a change, in your life, in someone else's life, anywhere, and to anyone. The most important thing, is that it's never too late to make someone feel better about themselves, or about the world around them.
So, today. Make a change. Make someone smile. Give a person with no food, food. Give a sad person a hug. Give someone a chance, when they've done wrong. There is no time like the present to make a change.
I don't know what inspired this. Maybe it's the nice weather. Like seriously, it's almost spring guys. The time is changing this weekend, and so it is time to change the lives of the masses, and yourself.
TAKE A RISK.
TAKE A CHANCE.
AND BREAKAWAY!

I'm Sorry./Live

I'm Sorry:
I'm sorry to all of those who I'm close too. Lately, this past week, I've been under a lot of stress, with home life, school life, and social life. I'm sorry that I'm being such a whiney bitch, because as most of you may know that I'm not. Thank you for hopefully understanding. I hope that everything can get back to normal for me, and that you don't think I'm a bitch. If you do, I'm sorry. And I don't mean to control you, nor do I mean to push you away. I'm just scared and I don't know what to do. And then, I end up hurting the ones that are so nice to me, so I feel really bad. And I don't mean to.
I just feel kind of like out of sync-with my friends with life, with everyone. I guess I'm stressed. Please forgive me?
Live:
I wonder about life. I wonder about the true meaning of it, how much that we can take, and how much we can give. I wonder why some are rich and some are poor. I wish that there was more time, and some way to know how the risks that you take turn out okay.
Maybe that's part of life. How you soar is how you actually live.

If I Could Write Down Everything I'm Feeling.

If I could write down everything that I'm feeling, then I would have a freaking novel on my hands. I could go into more and more detail, but then would be requiring me to open up to a bunch of strangers. So, what should I write my blog about?
WELL....
I like ponies.
Not really..
Okay, serious time.
There is one topic I'd like to bring to the table: relationships. Relationships, the romantic kind, anyways, should be a partnership. One person should not hold the strings, male or female. No one person should control the other, no matter what the age or status would be. I believe that a man should have the freedom to do the same thing as a woman. Hang out with members of the opposite sex? Why not? If they want to spend some time with their friends, let them. I don't think the relationship should soley revolve around each other. You need friends. You need space. That way, when you DO spend time with that someone it's more special.
I sometimes, as a single person for over two years, wonder  about relationships. What is healthy? What's not healthy?
I've come up with one conclusion: Even though, relationships are hard and wierd, it should be that you want to talk to them...not have.
Key words of wisdom here.