How do you find the words?

I am normally the person to always be talking, and to say what's on my mind. But, when it comes to this guy, I can't find the words to tell him how I feel. It's soo hard, in my opinion, because I am afraid to lose him in my life.
So, I ask...how do you find the words to tell your feelings? Is it harder than it looks? And will you sound like you have intelligenve?
Man...these things are soo hard.

Evolution.

Remember middle school? The time when fitting in was the only thing that really mattered. Or, when dating became the new thing, when you just stopped playing with dolls? Or while you're just finding your way around middle school, avoiding getting lost, people from your elementary school already had their first kiss? When everyone else is wearing a certain brand of clothing, and you're still dressed by your mother? Why aren't I wearing makeup like everyone else is? And your left wondering what's wrong with you, why you are the only one not doing it, or looking like that.
The middle school flashback brings me to my point..evolution. When do we stop caring about what people think about us? When do we say "screw you" to all of the pressures of middle school, or even high school for that matter, and just be ourselves? Simple. It's an act of maturity.
Maturity, in my own definition is coming to your own self, not based on what other's are doing, but what you feel is right in doing. Whether it's how far you go with a guy, or what you wear, it means the same. Evolution and maturity come together. Evolution, is growing into a different person, meaning, or saying.
Take relationships for example. In middle school, relationships (in most cases) last a week, and usually consists of making it known that two people are together, holding hands in the halls, and perhaps a kiss. The relationship usually consists of note passing, both starting and ending it.
In high school, relationships consist of going out to somewhere together, holding hands, and text messages. Everything is much more verbal than a middle school relationship. The typical high school relationship lasts anywhere from months to even years.
This leaves me wondering...what to expect next? What would college dating be like? Or even dating as an adult would be like? Is it like the movies?
I guess that i just have to wait to find the answer to all of these questions...

To the One that Broke My Heart...and the One that I hope to Give It To.

Yesterday, I gave in and watched New Moon. I don't know why I did, I just felt like watching it because I had nothing better to do with my life. Anyways, it got me thinking about the person that once had my heart, took it, and broke it. And then, it got me thinking about the one person I would love to give my heart to, if they would like to have it.
To the one that broke my heart, thank you. You taught me how to love, and lose that love. You taught me how to stand on my own, after you left. Yes, you hurt me, but all of the hurt made me into a stronger person. It made me into the person I am today. I loved you, but I now realize it was the wrong kind of love. It's not the healthy kind of love. It's not the kind of love that you can grow in. It probably was classified as puppy love, if that.
Sometimes, I look about the poems that I wrote about him, and I laugh. I look at the emails that he sent me, and I realize how rude, how badly he treated me. How could i be that in love with someone who had feelings for someone else? How could I let someone treat me like that, or more importantly why would I even love someone that would think treat me like that?
I guess love is one of the wierdest emotions of them all. And i have yet to explain them to myself, because I sometimes let my head of fears overule my heart.
In the past year and a half, I have analyzed that relationship a thousand times in my head. It must be wierd that a sixteen year old would even think about the relationships that they had, when they are so young, and have a million broken hearts lying ahead of them.
Broken hearts are the hardest things to fix. But to all of you broken hearted people out there, it will heal. Just give it time
To the person who I want to give it. The one I've written several entries about. I wish to give you my heart, and I promise not to go crazy when you leave, like I know that you someday will do. I promise to never hurt you intentally. I promise you to never let you lose yourself, and I promise to never to let myself be lost. I promise to be there whenever you need me. I promise to help you through every obsticle that you ever come in contact with. I promise to always be there for you. I may not be there forever, but I promise you that I will be there as long as you'll have me.

Risks.

Taking risks. Many people would consider skydiving, or jumping off a cliff to be a risk. I, however disagree with that theory.
My theory is risks are anything that causes an aderline rush. Whether it's telling someone how you feel, or just doing something outside your comfort zone, they are all the same. Risks.
Sometimes, these risks things can cause good things. It can lead you to love. It can lead you to realize things, good things, about yourself, that you can do just about anything. You can climb any mountain, you can jump off of any cliff, and you will be just fine.
But, why is it so hard for us, women especially to take risks? Why is it once in a while, we would take these risks, with little doubts in our mind? Will some think that we are crazy? Why are theese risks a once in a while thing? Why can't they be an every day thing.
Well, of course that's why it makes the risks that we do take the makes the bittersweet moments in our lives. Those moments add up into some strange storybook, into some wierd way of life. Maybe we only truely enjoy these bitter moments, the rare things once in a while. Like a holiday, only coming once a year. It's a special occaison, not everyday.
As Drake said "Everybody dies, but not everybody lives." So take that advice everyone, and actually live.

Letting goo...

Have you ever had that one horrific experience in your life, an experiance that leaves you shying away from the world, to never to be discovered by anyone ever again? Whether it be from a divorce, or a breakup, or some other tramatizing experiance, it can scar you. It can shut you, and your heart off from all of the good things in your life, that could possibly change your life for the better.
Letting go, is one the most difficult things to do. You have to be emotionally strong enough to say "hey, i have had enough of feeling like crap, enough of focusing on something that already happened, because that's not healthy. It's time to focus on the present, to get ready for the future." And then, drop it. No more guilty feelings, or no more reminders of what was. Than, start thinking about who you are now, not what happened then, because if you focus on what was, you can not be ready for your future, in love, or in life, or whatever.
It's done. Forget it, now.
Even after doing so, it may be hard to take any kind of risks. It may be hard to put yourself out there again, because you think that's going to happen to you again. It may, or it may not, but you know that you will be able to get over it. How do I know this? Because, I know that if you could get through that, you would be able to get through anything.
In life, we will mess up. We will have people that mess us up, with no fault of our own. But, believe or not, it's not about that. It's about how you deal with it, how you pick yourself up, after being dropped on your ass, and take that chance, although it may leave you down. Part of life, is also the chances we take, sometimes the thrill of putting ourselves on the line, for anything, like love, a job, or pretty much anything else that we may want. If you don't take you don't live. Put everything on the line.
I may be the world's biggest hypocrite, by not following my own advice. But, one day, perhaps in the near future I will get up all of the nerve  to tell someone how I really feel. Not just in love, but the person that hurt me the most. That person, I will not name, but I am gaining the courage to forgive, and forget the pain that they have caused me. It is in the past, fourteen years to be exact, and I'm thinking that maybe it's time that we actually start building the foundation of a relationship that I've always dreamed of again. And the other person, I will eventually say "hey i have feelings for you."
Baby steps, my friend. One day, those goals will become a reality.

No means no.

Ever had that person whose had that creepy crush on you, asked you out, said no, and then they still refused to move on, or more importantly, leave you alone?
If someone says no to you, then it means no, they mean it. That means no more talking to them, stalking them, just flat out not leaving them alone after they asked you to.
I know you're hurt, but no means no. No means, I really don't like you to date. So, therefore stop trying, because the nice dude (well I hope he's a nice dude), would get mad and do somethings that he normally won't do, just because you annoy him to that extent.
To all of those girls, who can't take no for an answer, remember this. There are more boys out there, than the boy you are stalking. If he doesn't like you back, then he doesn't. No means no, and you can not change this. So, get a life, and move on. (man, I just realized how cold that sounds.)
The point of this blog, is for everyone out there wasting time on someone they think that they love, but that other person doesn't love them back, or you just have to tell someone that you feel. And, time wasted is the worst kind of thing not needing waste.

Feelings.

Emotions have never came easily for me. It has always been something that I try to avoid, because they tend to get the best of me. It is something, that I have avoided for the past two years, mainly because I know that I will be made a fool of by them.
People will ask me why I haven't told the person I like that I like him, and I say because of fear. Fear, of being shot down, rejected. Fear of being made a fool, once again. Most of all, it's the fear of change. I could not lose that person because they have grown to be too close to me. They have made the last six months of my life completly different than the year before it. They make me smile, when I'm down, and listen to me, actually listen to me whenever I have something to say, positive, or negative.
 This person is the kind of person that is smarter than anyone that you have ever met, smarter than perhaps your teachers, or your local genuises. He takes pictures, really good pictures of things varying from cats, to landscapes. He hates peanut butter, but likes caramel. His eyes are a wierd hazel color, sometimes covered by glasses, sometimes he wears contacts. He enjoys acting, but does more with the lighting of the stage rather than being on it. He knows how to do pretty much everything on a computer.
To the person that I am writing about, I like you. And I enjoy having you around, and I hope that by me saying how I felt, you won't get mad..or make things awkward.

True Love.

Today, divorce is become more than just a breaking up of a marriage, a shameful deed. It has become a way of life. Due to that, I have come to believe that marriage is no longer taken seriously. If someone doesn't love sonmeone anymore, they can simply get out of it by filing some paperwork.
Marriage is a commitment between two people saying that they will love each other for the rest of their lives. Only each other. Whether in sickness or in health, or in good times or bad. When times get tough, you don't run away from your spouse. You promise each other that you will stick through it with them, forever and ever. "I do", means something more than "I do for now". I means I do for the rest of my life, or even I do forever.
Divorce can hurt. Not just for you, but your spose and your children too, because they are forced to shuffle from parent to parent. But, unfortunatly, it has become a part of everyday life. Who cares about the kids? I don't feel like making this work for my family, so I'm going to leave. Screw the commitment, and the promise I made to my wife, I would much rather have my whore.
To me, marriage is my grandparents. They have been together for almost 56 years. Today, my grandfather has fallen ill with dementia, and lives and an old age home. My grandmother, basically spends as much time as she can there, sits and watches him sleep, and feeds him when mealtime comes. She is there every single day of the week, alongs as the weather holds out, and it's not blizzardlike conditions. When he was home, she took care of him, becoming his full time nurse. She bathed him, made sure he took his medicines, and all that fine stuff. That's dedication. And even before that, they were always together. Where he was, she was. He took her to work. She made him food, and cleaned the house. Every holiday we would gather together, their two kids, and five grandkids, and celebrate. Thanks to my grandparents, I now know the true definitions of love. I know what marriage is. It's love, and a commitment. Both those things, from the moment you said "I do", are things that for the rest of your life you will have. Whether it's in the good times, when you got a promotion at work, or your first child or hourse. Or, in the bad, when you are sick, or broke. Love and marriage are two things that you will always have with you, no matter what.

True Friends.

Throughout your life, you will make friends (well, i hope that you do). Some will stay in your life for a while, and you will become close. Others will do scratch the surface, and then leave. But the truest friends, are like purses..the real ones will always last longer.
To me, friendship is something that's worth while. To be a friend means to stop making it all about you. Stop getting mad that your friend wants some space when her grandmother dies, and taking it personally. Stop flirting with the guy that your friend likes, just because you want the spotlight on you. Stop taking out all of your frustrations out on your friend, only to the next day to be nice again. Also, realize that if you do act bipolar, I'm not going to play along with your game. It's not all about "poor you, poor you", because after a while, I really don't want to hear about why you mad, when that's all you talk about. It's your fault that he was scared away, now move on.
True friends, in my opinon, are a give or take kind of relationship. They care about you, you care about them. When something bad happens, then you will be there for them. And when something bad happens to your friends, than you will be there for them. Always make an effort to show someone that you care about them, and their probelms. Help them, when they need it. When they have a boyfriend, and all they do is want to talk about said boyfriend, you hear them talk about it. And when the boyfriend breaks up with your friend, you are the shoulder that your friend cries on, armed with ice cream tubs, and ready to kill that boyfriend. You don't fight for their attention when they are with their boyfriend, you are the center of attention, because she keeps you in sync with everyone. You never feel like the third wheel, and you know that your friend has your back.
In life, friends will leave you. But, it is good to know that the ones that matter the most, will always have your back, always be there for you to listen to your lame stories, always there to get your crush's number, always be there whenever your sad, and will beat up the loser that breaks your heart. They are the therapists that never want to get paid. To all of my true friends out there, I love you guys. Thank you for being there for the ups and downs in this crazy rollercoaster that we call life. I dedicate this blog entry to all of you guys. You know who you are.

He said, She Said.

In the world of dating, there is a lot of gambling. Gambling, meaning, should I risk my dignity, and ask her out? Or should I just play it safe, and admire from afar so that way, I would have nothing to lose. It's always easier playing it safe.
Or, as many people in high school do it, you consult your friends. You ask them for advice, and they give their opinion. And you follow it, whether it's making them find out whether or not someone likes you, or getting their number for you, or them telling you you're wasting your time on someone that they think that likes you.
This week, I've found myself in the middle of this whole he/she said mess. A friend was too shy to ask the girl that he likes that he likes her. So, I managed to get her number for him. I then managed to figure out if the girl liked him.
The point of that paragraph was that it got me thinking. Why is love a he/she said kind of game? Shouldn't it be a game of chance, and taking a risk, hoping for some dumb luck? If it becomes the entire school's business, than what is the chance?
Maybe you are shielding yourself from getting hurt. And if that's the case, then take down your damn sheild and just take that risk you've been meaning to take.

Thoughts...(bunch of things that really don't make sense)

Have you ever met someone in your life that in the instant that you met them, you knew that they would mean something to you? Like one day, you are living your life, everything is all normal, and than you met this person and everything has all of a sudden changed.
I have felt that only once in my life, a few months ago, to be exact. I just met this kid, and within a few moments I knew I liked him (or a have a crush on him, if you would).
My question is, in that exact moment of time when you realize that you just know this person is going to mean a lot to you, where exactly do you go from there? Do you tell him how you feel? Do you wait for him to tell you how he feels? And, does the fact that you just knew you liked him when you met him mean anything, or is it a stupid cliche?
Man, these things are wierd.

When we forgive, do we always forget?

At one point or another, someone has done something wrong to hurt you in some sort of way. Whether it's intentional or not, we get hurt, and they apologize. But, the age old question is, if we decide to forgive them for their wrong doing, do we always forget what they did, or hold some kind of wall up against them, so that they can no longer hurt us in any shape or form.
Holding walls against someone who hurt you can do many things. First of all, if you block yourself off and away from that person, than you are blocking yourself away from getting hurt again by them, making a wall of some sort so that way you can never feel the pain that they have done to you again.
But what if they truely act like they are sorry for what they have done? What if deep down inside, they really mean it? What if after many second chances, or even third chances, you just want to say, "screw you, I don't need you around to hurt me, and make feel random emotions that don't make sense."
Unfortunaly, these are decesions, us the victims have to make, on whether or not that person deserves that second chance, or even that forteenth chance. But, even if we do forgive them, will we ever forget the hurt that they have caused us in the past? Can we ever truely start over with a clean slate, after one has hurt the other one too many times?

Valentine's Day....What does it all mean?

Valentine's day has different meaning to various people. For some, it's kill me, i don't have a Valentine. For others it's a chance to express your love and affection for each other...yadda yadda yadda.
Valentine's day is a day to tell someone that you love them. But my question is, why do you have to have your love measured by some sort of gift or candy? Isn't love only measured by what's in the heart?
To all you single ladies out there without no valentines, I guess that you must feel the lowest of the low. But, your not, just because you don't have a boyfriend. You deserve the best, and just because you don't have a mate, doesn't mean your not special. You are loved, by someone. Or someones. Friends, family, etc. Point is, someone loves you.
And to all of the couples out there, use protection.

Body Lanuage-What it is, and How to Decode It

Sometimes, there is a time when words aren't enough, and what is between the lines actually means more than what is actually said, especially when it comes to the opposite sex, and the dating game. Does she/he like me? Have no fear. Here is a body language dictionary, to help end all of this confusion that you may have.
Body Language/Signs Of A Guy That Likes You:
1. He looks at you a lot.
2. If he provides you with a lot of extra attention, that means he likes you.
3. He asks you about your love life.
4.His pupils dilate when talking to you.
5. If he's fixing his hair, clothing, etc, he's preening. It's a sign that can be traced back from the wild, a sign that he likes you.
6. He holds steady eye contact- a sign that he is interested.
7. How's his position when he's talking to you? If his body is pointing towards you, then it's a clear sign that he's interested.
8. He smiles at you often.
9. He leans in, while talking to you, a sign that he wants to be close with you.
10. Do your friends say that a boy asks about you? It's a sign that he's interested, but is to shy to let you know that.
11. Does he make a special effort to do things for you, that he wouldn't do for others? That's a sign that he wants to get to know your life.
12. He actually listens to whatever you have to say.
When A Guy is not Interested he Will:
1. He will talk about himself, in order to keep from getting to know you. He will invite others in the conversation, and let his eyes wander.
2. If he isn't interested, than he will be cordial, but detached, if he's not a nice guy. If he's not much of a nice guy (then why would you like him in the first place?) he would just flat out ignore you.
3. You iniate, and he doesn't follow through.
4. He is always "too busy"- a sign that he's probably not interested.
Hope this helps all of you lovebirds out, in preperation for tomarrow. Happy day before Valentine's Day Everyone!

First love.

Do you remeber your first crush? The first guy or girl, whatever floats your boat that you ever admired from afar? The butterflys that enter your stomach? The nerves that you got whenever you were within twenty feet of them, and didn't know what to say?
Do you also remember the first heartbreak? The first time that you felt like you couldn't go on. But you did. And in the end, you will repeat the cycle, although you are more cautious.
In the end, you get too caustious, because of that first love, and you've got to end it permantly. Go back to feeling like you don't know what you're doing. It's better for you, and your health.

Nerves.

What I don't get in life is that why do people always have trouble talking to a member of the opposite sex? I mean, come on, they are people too. They like to be talked to, and probably would like being talked to by you as well. So, both guys and girls, please stop all of this nervousness. You will mess up. I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything, it's only bound to happen. You're only human, after all. Messing up, is only a part of human nature, a part of the path of human life. Mistakes are something we can not help, but if you make them in frount of the right people, then it's not so bad. And if someone holds you to the mistake that you've made in frount of them, then I guess that you shouldn't be around that person anyways. A person that actually matters in your life would not care if you make the mistake of saying something stupid, or you just being yourself. So. Be. Yourself. It will pay off in the long run..

Why Do Girls Always Day-Dream About Love, While Guys Don't Care?

Okay, so I get it. Valentine's Day is coming up. One of the most sappiest days of the calendar year. One that I believe that the card companies made up, just so people that can buy cards for someone that they love. It is also adds on to pressure that some people really don't want, or even need. Love isn't a thing meant for pressure. It's a gift, a true miracle that only two people can share.
What I don't get though, is why do girls always expect to fall in love, every single Valentine's Day. Or day dream, only to get disapointed in the long run.
Who do we blame for this? I'd go with Hollywood. Many girls' ideas of a romance is something out of a bad chick flick, or some kind of romance novel. Have we let our minds run wild, because we have nothing else to believe in, other than some kind of scipted thing?
What ever happened to reality? Whatever happened to real life, because you only live life once. It's not a movie that you can watch and rewind, and rewatch again and again. You only live your life once, and you get only one shot to live it.
This Valentine's Day, I know I will be single. I am not excited, because I know nothing good will come out of it. I will be single at the start of it, and I probably will stay single at 11:59 P.M. that night. After all, I am a realist, and don't care about fantasy. I'm done living a world only based on dreams, and ready to live one soley based on reality.

To you. Love me.

Valentine's day is coming up, guys. It's like the cheesiest holiday on the planet, for some. For the singles, it's like a punch in the face. For the ones in relationships, it's the ultimate test, on whether or not you get your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife the right thing.
But for me, it's something different. I have some one in my life, not a boyfriend, but I don't think that he's just a friend, either. Well, I could be wrong about that.
This Valentine's Day, I wish to tell that person how I really feel about them. How I look foreward to spending my lunch days telling him what's bothering me, or making me happy. I guess that in some senses, I truely care about him, more than really any other person. That everyday, no matter how sad I am, he can turn that frown upside down. He is smart, helps me understand math, and one of the most fascinating people that I know.
What stopped me from telling him before is fear. Fear of being rejected, which I probably will. He is way too good for me, I will admit. Innocent, mainly.
I guess that deep down inside, it's time I let my heart guide me to where I want to go. So, shut up head, and let my heart guide me.

Players needa Get Played.

Have you ever had a guy that called you pretty, said you were an amazing girl, and they can't stop thinking about you no matter how hard they try (also known as feeding you lines)? It often leaves you wondering why they tell you this, or most importantly, do they actually mean it? Or is that would they say anything that they can to get what they really want. And I don't think that I have to go in much more detail for you to get what I'm talking about.
My question is, to all of those boys out there. You know the ones that will say anything just to get girls to do what they want, without no actual feelings. My question is to all of those, "men", is that do you actually think that you are doing any wrong to the girl? Once you have your sec, get your fill, if you will, you're done with whatever you were set out to do. I guess that when you have that one thing in your mind, your penis, I guess that you don't think much of anything else, and in the process, a poor girl's heart will get broken in the process. But you really don't care about that, do you?
Dear guys, to any guy whose reading this, if you like someone, you should. Don't feed them lines. If you see an opportunity with a girl, one who you don't really want to be with, one that you don't want to introduce to your friends, family, or one that you want to keep a secert, please don't date her. And if you have the girl of your dreams, don't play her. She's not stupid, and she will find out, and dump you, because she does know that she doesn't need you. And she also knows that she can do a lot better than you, so she will have no hesitation in leaving.
To girls, I advise you one thing. If a guy says something that sounds from a cheesy movie, or sends you a mainstream pop song, chances are he's fake. Most of all, trust your gut, because it knows the best about the situation better than perhaps you do. Listen up girls, don't let someone break your heart. Break theirs first.

Why?

I don't get love. I don't think that anybody really does, for that matter. Why do we put ourselves out there agaian and again, only to get hurt? After the first time, why don't we just quit, and spend the rest of our lives floating in our careers, or some other fields in our lives?
I guess that's why Ben and Jerry's is doing so well. Have you ever noticed that when you break up with someone, especially someone whose been in your life for years, and/or made an imprint on your life, you feel like complete crap, and walk around like a zombie for days on end? Is that healthy, because every woman on the face on the planet does it? I don't get it why we go back for more, when we could just live on and do more porductive things.
Like all things, love has one goal. Eternal happiness. To be happy with somone, and not to be lonely. To be able to say, that no matter what, you have someone there to make you feel better when you feel sad, when you feel like you want to express your love to them, you express it in the way that you know best.
But what if you get that love from someone else? Friends. Family. Your puppy. The list goes on and on. A relationship, it seems nowadays, is the only key thing to find love, when really it is all around you. I guess we should stop searching for this special thing that we all crave, and just start floating, because to ride with the current always leads us to dry land whenever your lost.
I guess maybe all of us, myself included, need to sit back, relax, and just float.

Dude, get the picture.

Ever have that one guy who can't get the picture that you're not interested? Aren't they annoying? You're told to ignore them, but yet you feel bad. Wierd combo, huh? They annoy you, and all you want to tell them to leave you the hell alone, but yet you feel bad in doing so. Is there a nicer, easier solution, also known as "letting them down easy"?
Maybe if you gradually make yourself busy. Of course, I've been rejected millions of times. It stung for a bit, but then you just get back up, dust yourself off and ride that horse once more. Love is like a battlefield, you know. You can never stay hurt or wounded forever.
I guess everyone will get their share of rejection. Not everything is a fairytale, or a chick flick movie scene. Nothing goes perfect, because after all, this isn't a script from someone's mind. This is life. It can be better than a movie, but itt can be worse. It's life, so therefore it's real.
I hate to be the one to tell you this, especially over a blog entry. I don't want that whole he/she said thing, so I'm just going to keep it simple. I don't like you. Maybe as a friend, but not a good friend. I wish you'd stop talking to me about how I'm so apealing and sexy to you. Or about the weather. Or hurting the damn groundhog. No. Just no. Stay classy, bro, and maybe you can get a girl. Or you can just shut up. Either option is fine with me,

What is it for?

Love is one of the most strangest emotions of all time. It makes us weak, when the person of interest is gone, and strong when you have that special someone with you, and you'll know that you will never be alone.
I ask, what is it for? All of the jars of Ben and Jerry's? The crying? The feeling like no one gets what you are feeling at this exact moment in time. All you want to do is cry until you dry up of all water, and feel nothing but pure sadness.
Is there a common goal in this love game? Is there one thing we want to win, no matter how many times we want to lose?
I don't get it. And, maybe, just maybe, I don't want to. Let me figure out what the common goal is.

To someone...

I never thought I would be at loss to say something to someone in person. I guess, the best thing to do is to write what I feel about someone here. If this gets too wierd, I guess you can just say I'm crazy. But, then again, I already am.
You know who you are, if you are reading this. Your the one who I spend my lunch hours with, the one who knows how to make me smile when I feel sad, the one who helps me with my math homework. The one who has greenish eyes, (i think), and is a lot taller than I will ever be. The one who would listen to me hours on end talk about my ex-boyfriend who shouldn't be crossing my mind anymore. And he doesn't even cross my mind, most of the time now that I have this person in my life.
I guess somehow, I had delevloped feelings for this person, the first time I had ever felt anything, well since I had last gotton my heart broken. I had made things obivous, either with my big mouth, or a friends, and for that I am a fool, an idiot with a big mouth who can never keep a secert to herself for longer than a week. I know that by"telling the world" isn't their style, and I realize I am pushing them into something I know they don't want.
To this person I'm writing about, I know you will never read this, but I am sorry for all of the games that I have played with your mind, and your heart. I realize that I am pushing you into something that I know you don't want, and for that, I am sorry. I guess that's what I had interpretted by what you were saying all of those times during lunch. I guess my interpretation of everything was wrong. I guess that in the end, I was the one that would get hurt, the one with the big mouth, the one who can never get anything right.. I want to be your friend, and I understand that's all I ever will be to you. It takes time, but I know these crazy feelings will go away. I am sorry if I had hurt you in any sort of way. I hope that sometime, along the line we can be just friends, good friends, I hope, because you are truely a great man. Someone who I trust, and will always be there for me. I guess if you know who you are while you read this, and are offended for this riduclous blog entry, I am sorry.
I guess that in the end, we all make mistakes, in love, life and basically anything. We're human, for heaven's sake. What I ask from you, is for you to forgive me for all of the ones that I have made with you.

Make love, not war.

Religous differences. Everyone has them. We are all different, in many ways. From size, race, style, and of course, beliefs.
Religons are something with one common goal-afterlife. We all desire one thing, a happy life, after we are dead, or as some say as we move on to the next life. They all believe in worship of some sort, a higher power. Prayer to someone to give them strength, and faith. People including myself do that.
There is one thing about religon that I don't get. Killing people, destroying them because of their beliefs, is one of the most immoral things that have been occuring over time. Killing someone because they believe in something that you don't is one of the most stupidest, and sillist things on the face of the planet. The Nazi party basically killed because of someone's prejudices to the Jewish faith. The mormons, getting forced to move out west, because otherwise they would be killed. Why do people, especially the bystanders, let this happen. Are we human? Would you want someone shooting you for your thoughts? No, because it's unfair. It's bullying. How would you feel if someone said, i don't like you because you're whatever religon you are. What would you say to that? How would you feel? I take it, you won't like it very much. Therefore, we must make love, not war.

People.

In life, there are people that come in and change our way of thinking, guide us, in the right direction, and don't give up on us. Those kind of people are like heaven sent, guardian angels, in a human form.
In my life, I have been blessed with many kinds of people, coming, and in the end usually going. One person that always remained consistant, is my grandfather.
Many people think it's wierd nowadays that I'm so close with my grandparents. After all, many kids in this generation, usually think of their grandparents as a twenty for christmas, and their birthday, living in a condo, or an retirement home. Some are unfortunate that their grandparents are deceased before they were even born.
I was a very lucky person, to get to know my grandfather. Everyday, my mother would have dropped me off at their house to spend my day there, because my mother being a recently divorced single mother, and had no other way of getting good child care.
My grandfather was an unselfish man. He loves his wife, children, and grandchildren, very much, and did everything he possibly can. I, being a sick child, had a lot of doctor's appointments. He was there for everything from eye exams, surgery, emergency room visits and MRIs, and much more. And after that, we would go out to lunch, or for ice cream.
Other than medical reasons, he was still there, always. Whenever I stayed home sick, he was there watching some random cartoon with me. When it was summer, he would take me places, such as out for lunch, out to the beach, and many other places that I can not remember.
In a sense, my grandfather is like my father. I never had one in my life, and in a sense, I became his third child. I'm not saying that my grandmother didn't do as much, I love both of my grandparents equally, and they both did everything for me. Now, at sixteen, he is battling dementia, in the later stages too, I might add. He can no longer walk, nevertheless drive the cars that he once loved. He sits in a rehab center, and no longer can do anything on his own. I now wonder, will he die with hisd dignity, or will his illness be eating that away too?